Do you like science fiction, vampires, and "holes"? SO DO I! I simply adore all three things, and if asked to rank them from least to most loved, this is how I'd stack 'em up: In third place, I would put "science fiction." Though I love Battlestar Galactica, the very thought of Stargate Atlantis makes me want to pound a nerd in the face. In second place, I've got to go with "vampires," and here's why: (a) they turn into bats. Awwwesome. (b) They like to stay up super late, unlike my boring friends. And (c) their physical deformities are much less jarring when compared to other monsters. Which brings us to my first-place choice, "holes." As it turns out, you can do a lot of stuff with "holes." You can put things in "holes." You can call other people "holes" (such as a-hole, pee-hole, b-hole, jerkhole, piehole, and turdhole). But mostly I just like to say it. "Hole." "Hole." "HOLE."
Anyhole, lucky for us, there are three DO NOT MISS shows debuting this week—all revolving around God's favorite three subjects: science fiction, vampires, and "holes." Here they are!
• Fringe (Fox, Tues Sept 9, 8 pm). This could be the science-fictioniest show you've seen in quite a while! Created by J. J. Abrams (Lost, Alias, Cloverfield), Fringe revolves around a hotsy-totsy FBI agent who's assigned the weirdest case yet, in which an entire planeload of passengers decompose in midair! She enlists the help of a possibly insane genius and his hunky son (played by Joshua "Dawson's Crack" Jackson... EEEEE!), and uncovers even more weirdness that may be linked to an intricate government cover-up! It's a cross between The X-Files, Lost, and The Twilight Zone, and will probably not make you want to pound a nerd in the face.
• True Blood (HBO, Sun Sept 7, 9 pm). Hot vampires! Drippy blood! Sexy sex! And it's all from the pen of Alan Ball (best known for creating the awesome Six Feet Under—which means it probably won't suck... in a nonvampiric way). Based on the novels of Charlaine Harris, True Blood is set in a small Louisiana town where vampires live alongside hillbillies in an uneasy truce, thanks to a recently developed synthetic blood drink that supposedly negates the reason for chomping neck. However, when hillbilly tramp Anna Paquin gets a leeeetle too close to one hunky vamp (SEXUALLY, that is), delicious nonsynthetic blood hits the fan! And more than a few hillbillies receive some new "HOLES."
• Hole in the Wall (Fox, Tues Sept 9, 9:30 pm). Speaking of "holes," the Japanese import Hole in the Wall promises to be the funniest humiliation show since Wipeout. Teams compete to see who can contort their bodies to fit through a weirdly shaped "hole" in a wall—that just happens to be racing toward them at high speed! If they make it through the "hole"... well, great. If not? Ka-sploosh! Their asses are knocked into a swimming pool where they hopefully won't hear the howling gales of laughter from you, me, and the rest of America's a-b-and-c "holes." Don't miss it, stinkhole! 
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
8:00 FOX KITCHEN NIGHTMARES
Season premiere! Chef Ramsay returns to some former restaurants just to give them one final kick in the ribs.
10:30 COM REALITY BITES BACK
Season finale! In their last chance to parody as many reality shows as possible, the contestants compete in "American Surv-Idoler's Kitchen."
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
8:00 FAM SAMURAI GIRL
Debut! A Tokyo girl is sent to San Fran for an arranged marriage, meets deadly ninjas and kicks their ass. Sounds good to me!
9:00 CBS CBS FALL PREVIEW
The grandpa network introduces its new fall season, including Matlock: The Next Generation.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
9:00 BBCA PRIMEVAL
The team's golf game is ruined by an angry pterodactyl. (Oh, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
Season premiere! Turns out the reviews for Vince's Medellin aren't so good. (Somebody lock up the gun cabinet.)
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don decides a hot new set of wheels is just the thing for his midlife crisis.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
8:00 FOX TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES
Season premiere! An exploding jeep (and a killer cyborg) puts a damper on Sarah and John's day.
11:30 HBO LITTLE BRITAIN
Debut! It's the Americanized version of this hilarious sketch comedy import from... well, Britain! Duh!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
It's two straight hours of hilarious nut-shots, cerebral hemorrhage, and severed spinal cords.
8:00 CW 90210
The family's bowling night is ruined by the druggie, the cool kid, and the teen whore.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The hilarious Benny Ninja returns to give the models a how-to on vogue-ing!
9:30 FOX DO NOT DISTURB
Debut! The reputation of a hip New York hotel is threatened when the employees can't stop porking each other.
