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Naturally, you won't find them here! Yep, if you're looking for moral values, I'd say you'd have as much luck finding them in I Love Television™ as you would a gay bathhouse in Nazi Germany. However! While it's true I may experience the occasional moral lapse within this column (see last week's issue, where I endorsed bestiality... or the week before, where I endorsed cramming flaming newspapers in my bottom... or the week before that, where I endorsed selling cocaine hotcakes... or the week--well, you get the picture), I am staunchly against immorality when anyone else is doing it!
Example! There are two new shows that are so immoral, they make yours truly look like Debbie Gibson giving back rubs to cancer patients at a cotton-candy factory! First there's The Weakest Link: kind of a cross between Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Survivor, and The Adolf Hitler Comedy Hour. In this show, eight contestants answer questions and win money as a team. But here's the pinch! At the end of each round, the dumbest person on the team gets voted off, going home with what dumbshits deserve--absolutely nothing. The last person standing not only receives all the money, but also the relief that comes with knowing one is not a dumbshit.
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But it gets worse! The host is a complete BEEEE-YATCH (or "biz-snatch" if you prefer)! She's, like, this weird limey soccer mom who goes out of her way to insult the contestants! Let's say one of the players is a high-school student: After a wrong answer, the host might say, "What are they teaching you in high school these days? How to be STUPID?" And then she tosses the poor sonofabitch off the show! The only thing she doesn't do is yank his underpants up his crack and kick his big fat stupid ass on the way out!
Okay, so that's pretty immoral, right? Well, that's NOTHIN'. There's also Chains of Love, which is like a combo platter of Temptation Island and Roots. Every week, a male or female "picker" (See? That sounds gross already!) is physically chained to four other people to see if any of the poor saps will fall in love with him or her. Hey, don't laugh! I've fallen in love with the last eight people who chained me up! Anyway, for four days, the contestants do everything together: eating, shopping, ice-skating, and even sleeping together in a custom-built bed. One by one the (ahem) "picker" cuts the people loose, until the last person is either prepared to get married or stick a pencil in his or her eye. Think it sounds funny? Well, how would you like to be chained up in bed with John Ashcroft, Roger Ebert, Rob Zombie, and Tom Green? Not laughing NOW, are ya?
No, you are NOT laughing! Because the idea of a television show being more immoral than me is infuriating! Listen up, networks: It's time to lose the insulting hosts and thinly veiled allusions to sexual slavery, and leave the bestiality and cocaine hotcakes to ME! (Whoops! I almost forgot about cramming flaming newspapers up my butt!)
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