So. Have you been watching the second season of Big Brother? No, you have NOT, because you correctly recognize it as the task of an idiot.

And besides, why should you watch it when you know full well that I'M watching it and will tell you if anything remotely interesting happens? You are very smart that way. Anyhoo, something remotely interesting did happen on Big Brother 2, but it's not interesting enough to fill an entire column. So once again, I will be forced to dig deep into my ass and pull out an article worthy of your attention.

For those who consistently count on me doing their homework for them, Big Brother is number 25,000 in a series of reality shows; this one features 12 people who are stuffed inside a shitty apartment and have their lives taped 24/7 with practically no editing. Every week they vote the biggest asshole out until there is only one itty-bitty teeny-tiny asshole left, who wins a half-million dollars. Now. Since last year's show was so BOOOOO-RING, the show's producers set out to find a new cast of dyed-in-the-wool sociopaths--and boy! Were they successful!

Barely a week passed before the producers were forced to kick somebody out for sticking a knife to the throat of another contestant. According to the sociopath, a jarhead bartender from New Jersey, the knife incident was only a joke--and I tend to believe him. I mean, come on! People in New Jersey slit each other's throats all the time! So of COURSE they're gonna joke about it: "Hey Ma, make me some fuckin' ziti or I'm gonna slit your fuckin' throat." Or, "Hey, you fuckin' mook. Either pay me my money, or I'm gonna bash your fuckin' brains out, burn your house to the ground, and murder your family. Oh, yeah. And I'm gonna slit your fuckin' throat." You know... jokes like that.

Anyway, the producers were great because, prior to inviting this chip-toothed meatball into the house, they interviewed him for countless hours--and somehow had no idea this guy was dangerous. Now they're all, "Oh... well... putting a knife to someone's throat is a clear violation of house rules." Ka-BOINNGGG! Ya think??

So that's the mildly interesting thing that happened on Big Brother 2. Now I've got to think of something else to talk about.

Oh, yeah! Here we go. You know, America isn't the only place dumb enough to have a Big Brother show! That's right! Plenty of other, more foreign countries have equally dumb versions. Holland was the original home of Big Brother, except instead of an apartment, they stuck all nine people in a windmill... or was it a dike? The French version of Big Brother is so incredibly shitty that even the FRENCH are boycotting it. And they love EVERYTHING! There are also versions in Portugal, Argentina, Australia, Denmark, Poland, Italy, Sweden (which I think is the same country as Holland), and England.

BUT! The dumbest version is unsurprisingly from Germany. They're using the Big Brother format, but with a twist: It's all FAT people, and if they don't lose enough weight, they get kicked out of the house. See?! That's a show even a goose-steppin' KRAUT could hate.

OKAY! So I'm done with my column for this week, and once again you're left with that vague, dissatisfied feeling that you've wasted five minutes of your life. But just remember! If I'm not watching Big Brother... WHO WILL?