Ahhh, yes. I remember fondly when I found my first pube [cue stupid Garrison Keillor music]. I was seven years old. Sure, that seems a little young to go through puberty, but I believe I was part of God Almighty's far-reaching plans. God said to me, "Humpy! This is God speaking, and not your brother Darrell talking through a paper-towel tube into the air-conditioning vent. Humpy, I have given you the wondrous gift of pubes, and it is now your duty to plant your seed into as many flower pots as possible." Now that I'm an adult, I can happily say I've done God proud.
But I digress! Before finding that first pube, I was a teeny-tiny thing with all the strength of an asthmatic bendy straw. Every night I would pray to that previously mentioned God Almighty to grant me an incredibly hairy back (just like my dad possessed), and to rain down upon me His precious heavenly pubes.
It worked! On my seventh birthday, I awoke with a big thick bush inside my Underoos, as well as a complete beard and moustache set. Ah! But with pubes, there also comes a price: Overnight I had grown three feet in height, acquired a voice that sounded like a donkey singing through a megaphone, and found myself in possession of a constant throbbing erection no pair of Garanimals could contain. In short... I had become a pube-covered monster.
On the upside, it was very easy to buy beer.
But I think we can all agree that catching a dose of the puberty can be very confusing, no matter what the age. This theme is dutifully explored in the new WB drama Smallville (Tuesdays, 9 p.m.), a show about the pubescent adventures of Superman back when he was a pube-covered teen.
In this latest version of the Superman legend, the producers have decided to forego the stupid red-and-blue suit (as well as the flying-around stuff), and concentrate on young Clark Kent coming to terms with his powers, being isolated from his peers, and, of course, discovering his "pubes of steel." In this regard, the show is a lot like Superboy, 90210, or better yet, Clark Kent's Creek.
Now, the downside of Smallville is that the writing SUCKS, with the plots being divided between Clark battling some ill-defined supermenace (à la Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and meaningful teen dramas where Clark tries to mack on his high-school sweetheart, Lana Lang (à la Dawson's Crack--er, Creek). And neither plot works.
On the upside? Every actor on this show is hot... HOT... HOT!!! Great boats of gravy! I wouldn't mind sinking my seed in ANY of these Smalltown honeys and hunks--even Lex Luthor! And guess what? Pa Kent is played by former Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider, who (yes!!) is also HOT!!!
So while I can't recommend Smallville, I would like to say the show could be easily improved if they would just focus more on Superboy's pube problem. Clark should be covered in thick, Brillo-like hair, he should be at least eight feet tall, and most importantly, he should be sinking his superseed in every flower pot in sight!
Hey... it worked for me.
