La, la, la, laaaaaaaaaah. Mi, mi, MI, mi, miiiiii... Oh! Hello, everyone! I was just warming up my golden vocal cords for my annual big karaoke bash, happening this Friday, November 9, at the Breakroom (1325 E Madison, Capitol Hill). If you've ever attended one of my song-filled extravaganzas, you'll know that this event attracts Seattle's most talented singers, who not only know how to croon a tune, but also enjoy the added bonus of having yours truly tickle their tonsils with my tongue. But what I like most (other than singers playing spirited games of grab-ass with my booty) is that it always starts out innocently, but by the end of the evening? Everyone is so drunk out of their goddam gourds, we all end up meeting out back behind the Dumpsters for an impromptu gravy-making session. So don't miss it, OKAY?!? And speaking of advanced gravy-making....

Do you feel that "tickly" feeling going on inside your pants? Well, I think we can safely rule out the crabs (at least for some of you), because it's time once again for the season premiere of that bastion of good taste and chastity, Temptation Island 2 (Thurs Nov 8, 9 pm, FOX)! During this time of national crisis, it's more important than ever for the networks to trot out the very best in entertainment--of course, Temptation Island doesn't come anywhere close, but what do you expect from a network run by retarded monkeys? THEY'RE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN, ALL RIGHT?!?

For those unfamiliar with the show, Temptation Island--also known by readers of this column as Gonorrhea Peninsula--is about four real-life couples who have reached the tipping point in their relationships. The couples don't know whether they should get married or simply begin the long, arduous process of dividing up the CD collection and exchanging weepy, passive-aggressive e-mails in which they wonder how something so right could have gone so horribly wrong.

So what's the best way to decide if they are truly each other's one-and-only light of their lives and sole reasons for existence? By going to a deserted island and having 26 sexy singles dry-hump their legs, of course!!

In the end, hearts are broken, lives and reputations are destroyed, and any sympathy felt for these people is drowned out by a nation of viewers sitting at home yelling, "HA! HA! HAAAAA! We told you so, ya horny jerk-offs!" Or at least that's how it should be. Last season, the show initially provided lurid thrills galore, with its cast of meathead guys and sexually repressed gals--that is, until the final episode! Just when you thought the four couples were ready to put axes in each other's heads, suddenly they got all fawking lovey-dovey, and decided to renew their relationships!! "Ohhh, baby! Those other cheap tramps didn't mean nothin'! You're the only girl for me. Mwahh! Mwahh! Mwahh!! I wuv my widdle punkin-stroodle!" Ewwwwaugghh!!! It was goddam DISGUSTING, I'm tellin' ya!!

Well, by god, this season is gonna be different! Temptation Island's got four new couples, and if FOX ever wants me to watch this show again, I'd better see an assload of hot rubby-dubby sex, knockdown-dragout fistfights, and, by show's end, three out of four couples hanging from a noose in the rafters!

Don't make me come over there and teach you how to ruin relationships, Gonorrhea Peninsula! Take it from me... I'M THE EXPERT!!