Do not speak to me. Do not make eye contact, do not make any unnecessarily loud sounds—in fact, unless we're engaging in sexual coitus, I want you at least 500 yards away, making less noise than a coma victim. Why? Because the new fall season of shows kicks off next week, and I've got to be focused, yo! I'm going to be watching hour upon hour of ridiculously horrible and amazing shows in the next two months, and I need you to start being part of the SOLUTION and not part of the PROBLEM.
Tut-tut-TUT! I said... NOT A WORD. I've got a bajillion things to do this week, including making space in my TiVo (which means deleting at least 200 hours of Judge Judy) and clearing out my refrigerator (which means throwing away any trace of vegetables to make room for (a) one case of Ritz crackers, (b) two cases of Cheez Whiz, and (c) three cases of the best soft drink ever invented, FRESCA). Oh! And I also plan on ripping the phone out of my wall, discontinuing mail service, and covering my windows in aluminum foil.
HOWEVER! Before I submerge myself into my self-imposed sensory-deprivation tank of a living room, I need to speak with you about two things:
THING ONE: Stop talking shit about the new 90210! Yes... yes... I realize I was talking shit about it only last week—but stop changing the subject! After actually seeing the premiere, my brains blew out of my left ear, and splattered all over my nachos—making for a very confusing dinner to say the least. The new 90210 was suitably cheesy, squirmy, and laughably charming—and totally reminded me why I fell in love with The O.C. And yet? Other television critics have pooh-poohed the show, calling it "remarkably bland," and comparing it to a "tacky mall jewelry store." OH YEAH? Well, here's what I think! Not only is the acting in 90210 roughly 40 percent better than the old series, the teens are suitably hot, Jessica Walter is a fantastic drunky grandma, and Shannen Doherty looks like Carnie Wilson after her gastric bypass surgery. (That's good!) So all you hatas can SUCK IT!
THING TWO: Since I'm going to be too busy next week to properly trash it then, let me say for the record that The Mentalist (CBS, debuts Sept 23, 9 pm) is the most TERRIBLE name for a show since Num3ers. THE MENTALIST? Really? Naturally, this idiotic show is about a pseudopsychic who helps the cops out whenever they're too stupid to do it themselves. Here's a scene:
Stupid Cop: WOW. This case is certainly a baffler. Wish there was someone I could call that could... heeeeey, hold on. McSmitherson! Get me... THE MENTALIST.
McSmitherson: Sorry, boss. The Mentalist is in the hospital after getting his ass kicked for having such a STOOPID name.
Annnnnnd... scene. Those two points being made, you may now go away and leave me alone. EH! EH! EH! Not... another... word. Remember: No eye contact, 500 yards, coma victim.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
8:00 FOX HOLE IN THE WALL
Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! Holes! HOLES!
11:00 VH1 THE CHO SHOW
Margaret Cho and a family member star in a poignant video entitled, “Two Chos, One Cup.” Waitasecond…
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
9:00 FOX DON’T FORGET THE LYRICS
Season premiere! A roller-derby queen forgets the lyrics and elbows Wayne Brady in the scrabble bag.
9:00 USA MONK
Season finale! Monk gets hypnotized and reverts to his 9-year-old personality (which is only slightly more sane).
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
8:00 FOX COPS
Hilarity ensues in this episode about extremely stupid criminal behavior (because as we know, cops NEVER do ANYTHING stupid).
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
9:00 DSC SECRETS OF THE DINOSAUR MUMMY
WTF? A dinosaur mummy? Oh, hell no! I’m outta here!
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Father Gill tries to get Peggy to “volunteer” to work on his church “project.” (I believe it’s the one in his pants.)
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Luckily, an earthquake traps Serena and Dan in an elevator together. Unluckily, a lot of other people die.
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
Lo asks Lauren is she’s like, into this new guy, and Lauren is all like, wow, I dunno, and sits there looking pensive.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
Season finale! The hosts try to run the obstacle course! HA! Not so easy is it?
8:00 CW 90210
Kelly and Brenda get in an argument over Ryan. Punch her in her stupid blond face, Brenda!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Tyra forces the girls to get makeovers, causing freak-outs of epic proportions.
9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
The designers create fashions for college gals transitioning from drunks to businesswomen.
