As a child, I fancied myself an amateur detective. In fact, the neighborhood kids referred to me as "Encyclopedia Humpy" for my deductive abilities and encyclopedic knowledge of places where one could find cigarettes and porn. To this day, I remain famous for solving the following mysteries: "The Case of the Crudely Drawn Penis," "The Case of the Bully Who's Actually Super Gay," "The Case of 'Hey... What's That Monkey Doing?'" "The Case of Sylvia Masterson's Missing Hymen," and of course, my most famous case, "The Hound of the Bastard Bills" (an absolutely cracking yarn featuring myself, bastard twins each named Bill, and their dog Peanut that loved eating other animals' vomit).

Nowadays, my focus is on a far more important pursuit: writing dumb-butt TV columns for newspapers that don't mind excessive amounts of lewd sexual imagery, rambling personal stories, and random monkey references. HOWEVER! I'm still a die-hard aficionado of the detective genre, which means I'm nearly pooping my pants about the second season of Sherlock (PBS, Sun May 6, 9 pm).

For those who didn't notice last year's uncontrollable squeals, Sherlock is a reboot of the classic Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes stories, given a modern update by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss (who also write Doctor Who—which isn't nearly as embarrassing as it used to be), and produced for the BBC. Last year, PBS rebroadcast the first season (only three 90-minute episodes), and the boners of a nation went kaaaa-BOINNNGGG!! What could have gone so terribly wrong—a modern update of Sherlock Holmes where Watson is a blogger? REALLY??—is nothing less than a revelation.

Sherlock has a uniformly fantastic cast, including Benedict Cumberbatch—which, by the way, is the most British name in history, even bypassing Lord Farnsworth Crumbsbury—who plays Holmes with a perfectly quirky, almost autistic quality. Meanwhile, Martin Freeman—which isn't nearly as British, and should be immediately changed to Sir Reginald Fink-Nottle—will be remembered from the limey version of The Office and portrays Watson as a slightly depressed, brainy schlump whose dry normality counterbalances Sherlock's sociopathic tendencies. Together they work like a kraut-constructed clock, and along with Moffat and Gatiss's smart, snappy scripts, they make Sherlock almost unbearably enjoyable.

So what's up with season two? Since it was released in Britain back in January, you could easily watch all the episodes online—if you're that kind of person. (Meaning, not lazy like me.) However, for those who watch TV the old-timey way, expect new-fangled and modernized adaptations of Doyle's most famous Holmes adventures: "A Scandal in Bohemia" (updated to "A Scandal in Belgravia" with newly added nudity, hurrah!), The Hound of the Baskervilles (now "The Hound of Baskervilles," set at a military base), and "The Final Problem" (renamed "The Reichenbach Fall," which every true Holmes fan will immediately recognize... okay, fine, I'll give you a hint: EEEEEEEeeeeeeeee—SPLASH! Glub, glub. Poop!).

Guys! If you love smart, stylish television, you don't want to miss Sherlock! And rest assured I've sent an e-mail to the producers asking if they'd like to dramatize MY most famous adventure: "Encyclopedia Humpy and the Case of the Mysterious Hairs." (SPOILER ALERT: The perpetrator was "puberty.") recommended

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2

8:00 NBC BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
When Lennon’s hunky ex-dance partner pays a visit, Joe questions the intentions of his crooked penis.
9:00 ABC DON’T TRUST THE BITCH IN APARTMENT 23
So we need a sociopath in a tight dress to ruin a wedding. Oh… hello, Chloe.

THURSDAY, MAY 3

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
A sudden death at the college? HURRAY! Britta finally gets to use her psychology studies for something!
10:00 BRAVO KATHY
If you haven’t checked out Kathy Griffin’s new talk show—do so! It’s IN-SANE.

FRIDAY, MAY 4

9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Karl reflects on the day he rescued a pie from a bank robber. Nice job, Karl!

SATURDAY, MAY 5

7:00 SYFY TREASURE ISLAND—Movie
(2012) A new adaptation of the Robert Louis Stevenson classic starring Eddie Izzard, Elijah Wood, and Donald Sutherland? On Syfy? Where’s the two-headed shark?
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by some dumb football player with musical guest Rihanna. (Yummmm.)

SUNDAY, MAY 6

9:00 PBS SHERLOCK
Season premiere! This awesome reboot returns with “A Scandal in Belgravia” and nudity! Whoop!
10:00 HBO VEEP
Selina tries to squash rumors that she hates the First Lady’s guts—even though she hates the First Lady’s guts.

MONDAY, MAY 7

8:00 NBC THE VOICE
The final four contestants perform, while judge Christina Aguilera focuses on keeping her legs together.

TUESDAY, MAY 8

8:30 ABC COUGAR TOWN
Sometimes I just feel the need to promote Cougar Town. So… Cougar Town!!
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Season finale! One of the roomies threatens to move out! Please don’t let it be Schmidt! (Unless he’s getting a spin-off.)

The Twitter is afoot! @WmSteveHumphrey