HEY GUYS! I'm taking Shark Week off, so here's last year's Shark Week column with updated Shark Week details. Enjoy your Shark Week! —Humpy
Look, I have nothing against Shark Week. This annual weeklong tribute to those finny ass-chomping murderers of the deep is as anticipated in the Humpy household as Christmas, Easter, and all those other made-up holidays. HOWEVER! The Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—the weenie dog. DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, far more dangerous, and here's my three-pronged proof:
Proof one! Unless you're that dick Aquaman, how much time do you spend in the ocean? Twenty minutes a year tops? Comparatively, how many times a year do you pass a weenie dog? Maybe 125? Therefore, your ankle's chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than an attack from a shark. (Note: The previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but it's nonetheless scientifically sound.)
Proof two! Weenie dogs are the worst. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love, and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!! (Racists racing are always funny. I can still hate them, though.)
Proof three! Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will eventually teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!
That being said, Discovery Channel does not have a Weenie Dog Week, it has a Shark Week—so we'll just have to be satisfied with a week devoted to a less frightening, less violently bonkers animal. Here are a few highlights:
Air Jaws Apocalypse (Sun Aug 12, 9 pm): You thought last year's Ultimate Air Jaws was apocalyptic? Check out the new Air Jaws Apocalypse, in which documentary filmmakers swim with the air-hopping great whites as these killers plot their cunning plan to destroy and eat the earth! (Or something like that.)
Sharkzilla (Mon Aug 13, 10 pm): Designers and scientists come together to re-create and build the ancient monster shark Megalodon—this actual working giganto-shark will then surely escape, then murder and eat the earth. (Or something like that.)
How Jaws Changed the World (Tues Aug 14, 9 pm): A documentary about how Steven Spielberg's Jaws not only led to a wholesale slaughter of sharks, but ultimately their conservation. We know the rest of the story... their brains grew to three times their normal size, they learned how to use guns and Facebook, and then they took over the earth. And ate it. (Or something like that.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8
10:00 TLC HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO
Debut! Tonight, Honey Boo Boo and her family plot the end of life on earth and eat opossum.
11:00 NBC GO ON
Debut! Friends’ Matthew Perry plays a dick sportscaster—but really, is there any other kind?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 9
9:00 ABC WIPEOUT
A special “hillbilly wipeout” edition, which means super-duper extra hilarity!
Midnight TOON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL
Season premiere! The absolutely excellent comedy series returns… with Jon Hamm as the hospital’s founder?!?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 10
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Season finale! Guest starring “Weird Al” Yankovic and his comic Hawaiian shirt.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 11
10:00 COM JEFF ROSS ROASTS AMERICA
The very funny comedian in a standup special. Prepare to be insulted.
10:00 BBCA THE NERDIST
It’s a tribute to “nerd girls”—without whom there would never be nerd babies.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 12
7:00 NBC SUMMER OLYMPICS
It’s the closing night for the Olympic summer games. (Phew! I’m not going to masturbate for at least another four years.)
10:00 DSC SHARK WEEK’S 25 BEST BITES
Unless, you know, you’re the victim.
MONDAY, AUGUST 13
8:00 FOX HOTEL HELL
Debut! Hell’s Kitchen’s Gordon Ramsay takes a break from restaurants and tries to fix (and grievously insult) troubled hotels.
8:00 NBC STARS EARN STRIPES
Debut! Pampered celebs learn what it’s like to become a soldier. Sorry, they’re not allowed to kill terrorists.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 14
10:00 DSC SHARK FIGHT
SHARK FIGHT! SHARK FIGHT! (Who cares what it’s about?) SHARK FIGHT! SHARK FIGHT!
10:00 LIF PROM QUEENS
Debut! High-school girls fight to become queen of the prom. PROM FIGHT! PROM FIGHT!
Unless you’re a weenie dog, follow me on Twitter @WmSteveHumphrey