Here are the top five superhero dicks in ascending order of dickishness:
5. Batman: Total... dick. First, he calls himself the "world's greatest detective." Umm... Encyclopedia Brown is the world's greatest detective, dick! Batman may be the world's greatest "brooder," though. Look, I'm sorry his parents died and all, but (a) I'm pretty sure that doesn't give him license to become a vigilante sociopath who skulks around at night beating people up, and (b) HE'S RICH. Things cannot be that bad! Turn that bat-frown upside down, Grumpy Gus!
4. Iron Man: ALSO RICH... ALSO A DICK! And Tony Stark can't even blame his dickishness on mental illness. That's because Iron Man is the "Donald Trump of Superheroes": constantly flaunting his wealth in front of the other Avengers, strutting around in fancy (iron) suits, and while other heroes are setting good examples for kids, he's drinking himself into oblivion! Who does he think he is?! ME?!?
3. Superman: "Waitasecond, Humpy-dump!" I hear you cry. "Superman is not a dick—he's totally nice and boring!" Au contraire, mon frère! Check out the awesomely hilarious Superdickery.com, which features classic comic-book renderings of Superman totally dicking out. He's seen sexually threatening Wonder Girl, handing Lois Lane over to evil aliens, beating the crap out of the Flash, and telling Green Lantern, "Look, Hal, you're a superhero with power ALMOST on my level... you don't see ME involved in endless strings of personal crises. Geez, Hal, you don't even have an APARTMENT." Wow. Wotta dick!
2. Sub-Mariner: Prince Namor? More like Prince HITLOR! The Sub-Mariner repeatedly states that he freaking despises the human race. Umm... excuse me, but THE HUMAN RACE BUYS YOUR STUPID COMICS, DICKHEAD! I have half a mind to send Aquaman over to kick your finny ass—except that Aquaman couldn't fight his way into a box of fish sticks. He'd ask a trout to do it, and the trout would be all like, "Stick it up your blowhole, Chicken of the Sea."
1. Green Arrow: Fine, go ahead and disagree, but I hereby proclaim Green Arrow "King of the Super Dicks." And here's why: (a) Duh... HE'S RICH! (b) He wears that douchebaggy curly beard and mustache! Join a klezmer band, freak! (c) He's a goddamn mouthy smartass. (d) His only superpower is a quiver filled with 15 arrows... TOPS. So after 15 shots, what good is he? Wonder Woman is getting her ass handed to her by Sinestro, while Green Arrow is googling the nearest sporting goods store!
Nevertheless, the CW is giving this "King of the Super Dicks" his own show called Arrow (Wed Oct 10, 8 pm). Looking to fill the sexy hole vacated by Smallville, Arrow tells the story of rich Oliver Queen who, after being shipwrecked on a dangerous island for a year, returns to the city to devote his money and newfound wicked archery skillz to protecting the innocent. This show promises to be a much darker and more action-packed version than we're used to—so don't be a dick! Check it out!
(By the way, did I leave any superhero dicks off my list? Be sure to e-mail me at noonewantsyourstupidopinion,dick.com.)
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3
6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
It’s President Obama vs. Mittens Romney—which is just going to be so delicious and embarrassing, I can’t wait!!
9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Season premiere! Dean gets out of purgatory and WHOO! He’s ready to hunt! Sam? Not so much.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4
8:00 NBC 30 ROCK
Season premiere! The gang returns from hiatus, and… OMG!! What has Jack done to the fall lineup?
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie helps a swim team. (Place your bets! How many people drown in this episode?)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5
9:00 FOX FRINGE
The Fringe team comes up with a new idea to stop the Observer overlords. (Have they actually given these overlords a chance?)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6
9:00 PBS AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
Season premiere! A taped concert featuring Radiohead performing songs from The King of Limbs.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tonight hosted by 007 Daniel Craig—who most definitely better TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
In “Treehouse of Terror XXIII,” Marge makes a pact with the devil to keep this show on the air for another 20 years.
9:00 ABC REVENGE
Emily tries to sneak her way back into the Graysons’ life, because… you know… REVENGE!!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 8
9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Season premiere! Nate reignites his battle with Gossip Girl. (Note to Nate: The internet always wins.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9
9:00 CW DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG
The hilarious Joss Whedon web movie… for those who have never heard of the internet.
9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT
Mindy asks Denny to be her new gynecologist. (Can you use a speculum to relieve AWKWARD?)
King of the Twitter Dicks. @WmSteveHumphrey