As I've surely mentioned, there's only one sure cure for a raging hangover, and that's (1) a meal composed of more than 93 percent pork fat, (2) an 83-ounce jug of Coca-Cola—of which 27 ounces are rum, (3) boisterous sex, and (4) an entire afternoon of watching multiple episodes of either Veronica Mars, classic Melrose Place, or Joss Whedon's Firefly. IMPORTANT: Do not attempt to rise from the couch for anything other than boisterous sex. (The empty Coke cup is there for you to pee in.)
OH! Speaking of Firefly, did you know it celebrated its 10th anniversary this fall? That's right—10 years... which means you're OLD. You're older than Oldy McOlderson, the oldest old-timer at the Decrepit Octogenarian Geriatric Old Person's Home for the Terminally OLD... which went out of business 50 years ago. That means you're forgetful and you need a quick reminder about this awesome show!
Created in 2002 by genius nerd Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) for the Fox network, Firefly was a "western space opera" about a freedom fighter (Nathan Fillion as Captain Mal Reynolds) who winds up on the losing side of a civil war and now scrapes by at the edge of the solar system on the "firefly-class" spaceship Serenity, smuggling goods and transporting unseemly clients. He and his roughneck crew pick up a brother and sister team who are being pursued by the "Alliance"—a huge government entity that won the war and therefore treats its citizenry like poop. The sister possesses uncanny psychic and fighting abilities (thanks to some creepy brain-tinkering by the Alliance), which means the government wants her back... BAD... and Mal and the gang have to somehow make a living while staying one step ahead of those jerky governmental pee-holes.
While Whedon's clever cross between Civil War history and Star Trek may have thrilled critics, the Fox execs were unsurprisingly baffled, and they tried to force Whedon to make the malcontented Mal less "dour" while adding "larger than life characters"—this was, after all, the same year they debuted the grotesque reality show Joe Millionaire (BOOOOOO!!!). As you can probably guess, Firefly tanked and aired only 11 of its 14 episodes before being canceled. (In its defense, not a single new Fox show debuting in 2002 lasted longer than two seasons. HAW!! They're the worst.)
However! Thanks to big DVD sales and huge support from fans (who label themselves "browncoats" after the duster worn by Captain Mal), Whedon and Universal Pictures produced the entirely excellent 2005 Serenity feature film, which gave this "failed" show even more supporters to help celebrate Firefly's 10th anniversary.
And what better way to party than with an all-day Firefly marathon (Science Channel, Sun Nov 11, starting at 7 am), followed by a roundtable reunion of the cast entitled Firefly: Browncoats Unite (10 pm). SQUEEEEE!!! Expect tons of backstory, memories, and what the future may hold for one of the best sci-fi series EVAHHHH! Again... SQUEEEEE!!!
So, like, you better start drinking now. If you're going to spend the entire day watching this on the couch, you'll need one hell of a hangover. (And don't forget your cup!)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
A patient exposes creepy Doc Arden (who has the worst porn collection ever, BTW).
11:00 BRAVO LOLWORK
Debut! A new reality show about an internet company that makes funny cat pictures. WOW. Now I will kill myself.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie and April have a catfight over a dog park! Meow! Meow! Ruff! Ruff! Pfffssstt!
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang visits a psychiatrist, and guess what? Diagnosis: abnormal!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
One of the models has a complete freak-out while riding a horse, which is really the only reason to watch this show.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10
10:00 TBS WEDDING BAND
Debut! Brian Austin Green (Beverly Hills, 90210) stars as the aging leader of a wedding band in this new cable sitcom.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Anne Hathaway (snore). Musical guest: Rihanna (hot!).
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
The Governor throws a surprise party for the people of Woodbury, and surprise! Somebody will die.
10:00 SCI FIREFLY: BROWNCOATS UNITE
The original Firefly cast reunites and reminisces about one of the greatest sci-fi shows EVARRRR!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12
11:00 MTV CATFISH: THE TV SHOW
Debut! Somewhat based on the film, real-life internet daters meet each other to find out if everything will go horribly awry.
11:00 VH1 STORYTELLERS
Featuring the fantastic Alicia Keys sharing the stories behind her songs.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13
9:00 ABC HAPPY ENDINGS
Max discovers he is AWESOME at hosting bar mitzvahs—which is exactly when everything turns less than kosher.
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