I Love TV
Nude People: An Appreciation!
A somewhat recent survey performed by the Parents Television Council claims that, in the 2011–2012 season, "full frontal nudity" on TV jumped 6,300 percent."
First of all, what television are they watching, because I want to watch that television. Secondly, are they sure they're watching actual "television" and not "porn on their laptop"? Thirdly, if this is true... and full frontal nudity has actually risen 6,300 percent in a single TV season... then YAAAAAYYY!!
Unfortunately, it probably isn't true for three reasons: (1) The Parents Television Council is a bunch of Christian buffoons who wouldn't know science if a dinosaur fell on them, (2) this story came from Fox News (mmmm-hmmmmm), and (3) I watch A LOT of TV... so I'm pretty sure I'd notice a 6,300 percent uptick of vaginas or floppy wieners.
HOWEVER! These PTC people aren't complete liars; there have been more naked bodies showing up on prime-time network TV... though the genitals—or "juicy bits"—are pixelated out. (Note: This is why I can't be on TV. Because there aren't enough pixels in the world to cover up my genitals. Because they are too big. Do you get it? Do you get what I'm trying to say? MY PENIS IS VERY, VERY BIG.)
On the other hand, cable networks such as HBO, Showtime, FX, and AMC are virtual wonderlands of unpixelated floppy wieners and juicy va-jay-jays. In fact, whenever a show like FX's Justified or The Americans feature parental warnings of "sexual situations" and "nudity," I scream, "HUZZAH!" and whip my clothes off, too! Because I definitely want to be invited to that party, do you know what I'm saying? I think you do!
And while FX is a great showcase for unpixelated trouser junk, HBO—and in particular Lena Dunham's Girls—wins the "Wow, you're like super nude" prize. Dunham's character Hannah has been nearly if not fully nude in almost every episode since its inception—and a couple of weeks ago, when she wasn't nude? I was like, "Hey Lena! Why not nude?!?"
Dunham does a fantastic job in owning her nude-iness, and the confidence she has in her normal-looking body should be an inspiration to not-nude people everywhere. THAT BEING SAID... her costar, Brian Williams's daughter—she has her own name, but I refuse to call her anything but Brian Williams's daughter—is doing a TERRIBLE job at being nude. Apparently, it's in her contract that she's a never-nude—but HELLO? This is a nude show, Brian Williams's daughter! It's like being a zombie extra on The Walking Dead and saying, "I'm not really comfortable with my jaw dangling from a tendon."
So listen up, Brian Williams's daughter! Quit strategically covering your vagina with a sheet and folding your arms over your chest during sex scenes, BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE, AND YOU'RE AN ACTOR, AND ACTORS ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE REAL PEOPLE (HENCE THE NAME "ACTOR").
So in conclusion, I approve of a 6,300 percent increase in TV characters (and you) being nude. Because, as it just so happens, I'm nude right now! And... OWWW! I just stepped on my penis. Because it is big. Big enough to step on. (Do... you... get... it?)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Commies Phillip and Elizabeth must infiltrate the FBI’s encryption system AND get the kids to soccer practice.
10:00 SYFY STRANDED
Debut! A new reality show where people are stranded in haunted places, and supposedly see… G-G-G-GHOSTS!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
After missing out on “Ice Cream Class” the gang is forced to take “European History.” BOOOOOOO!!!
10:30 COM NATHAN FOR YOU
Debut! Comedian Nathan Fielder gives unsuspecting business owners marketing advice… which isn’t very good.
FRIDAY, MARCH 1
10:00 IFC PORTLANDIA
Season finale! The city experiences a blackout after the mayor forgets to pay the electric bill. Unfortunately, hilarity does not ensue.
SATURDAY, MARCH 2
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Comedy Jam vet Kevin Hart hosts, along with musical guest Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.
SUNDAY, MARCH 3
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Hannah’s parents pay a visit, which forces her to take off all her clothes.
9:00 ABC RED WIDOW
Debut! A housewife/mother turns to organized crime after her husband gets bumped off by the mob. Moooom, you’re embarrassing us!!
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick finds a long-lost pal—which thankfully is NOT the drippy ghost of Lori.
MONDAY, MARCH 4
10:00 BRAVO LA SHRINKS
Debut! A new reality show about psychiatrists who—now get this—have more problems than their patients?!? (Record scraaaaatch!)
TUESDAY, MARCH 5
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan takes a break to go “dynamite fishing.” Apparently, this is how rednecks relax.
10:00 SPIKE THE JOE SCHMO SHOW
Season finale! In the final episode, Chase discovers a startling secret—that maybe the entire show was faked?
Follow my penis on Twitter. It’s easy to see. @WmSteveHumphrey