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I Only Want to Be Serial-Murdered by the Best!

Fact: I'm kind of particular about the way I want to be serial-murdered. Sorry, but I'm just not the type to be serial-murdered by any random Charlie Manson coming down the pike. That's why—when I'm searching for just the right serial murderer—the first place I look is on my TV.

Obviously there's Dexter from Showtime's Dexter, who seems like a very pleasant murderer, and I could totally see myself being serial-murdered by him. (He's got a nice smile!) On the other hand, I would most definitely not want to be serial-murdered by The Following's psycho Joe Carroll—who leads an entire gang of copycat killers. (Sorry, I'm a "one serial murderer" type of guy.) Nor would I want to be serial-murdered by Cult's Billy Grimm, who somehow tricks people into killing themselves. Umm... hello? That's just lazy! If I wanted to serial-murder myself, I'd do it without any help from this guy!

There's also the BBC's Ripper Street, in which Victorian-era England is terrorized by a bunch of different creepy killers—all presumably inspired by Jack the Ripper. Again... if you people can't think of an original way of serial-murdering me, I'll have to take my serial-murder business elsewhere!

So while I'm very particular about the way I would like to be serial-murdered—I'm just as particular about my serial-murderer shows! In the weeks ahead, you'll be hearing me squeal about the new series Hannibal (NBC, debuts April 4, 10 pm)—which is a modern-day reimagining of The Silence of the Lambs' Hannibal Lecter... and looks AH-MAY-ZING. However! Do give a looky-loo to a new series debuting this week that also re-creates a classic fictional killer in a contemporary setting. Bates Motel (A&E, debuts Mon March 18, 10 pm) is something of a prequel to the 1960 Alfred Hitchcock classic Psycho, and stars Freddie Highmore (Finding Neverland) as a teenage Norman Bates with Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) as his mother... umm... you know... pre–dusty skeleton sitting in a chair.

After his father is killed in a "mysterious accident" (uh-huh, yeah, riiiiiiight), Norman and his mom attempt to start their lives over again in a new town by purchasing an old motel and its accompanying creepy house. But here's the interesting part! Instead of leaping right into the slashity-slash shower antics, this Norman Bates is so far just a troubled teen with a very overprotective (and very sexy) mom and a real dickhead for an older stepbrother. Norman's problems are expanded upon by a town that's filled with Twin Peaks–type characters, and guess what? They have their own (perhaps murderous) secrets to hide.

More good news: Bates Motel was created by Lost's Carlton Cuse and Friday Night Lights' Kerry Ehrin—therefore, rest assured that this series will focus more on character and mystery than the "how many women can we murder this week" kill-crazy shows mentioned above.

So, as previously stated, I'm kind of a snob when it comes to the people who serial-murder me. However, if you'd like to apply, feel free to send your serial-murdering résumé to me. (Remember: Nice smiles are always a plus!) recommended

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Phillips reunites with his ex-girlfriend, and unlike a good Communist, Elizabeth is not willing to share.
10:00 COM WORKAHOLICS
The guys refuse to share a limited-edition video game. Again, not good Communism.

THURSDAY, MARCH 14

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Ann blackmails April into being her friend. Hey, whatever works.
10:30 COM NATHAN FOR YOU
“Business consultant” Nathan advises a clothing store to allow shoplifters.

FRIDAY, MARCH 15

9:00 SHO THE WORLD ACCORDING TO DICK CHENEY
A two-hour documentary profile on the former vice president, right winger, and face shooter.

SATURDAY, MARCH 16

9:00 NBC THE FOLLOWING
Serial killer Carroll meets with a follower from his past who—YEP!—just wants to borrow money.

SUNDAY, MARCH 17

9:00 HBO GIRLS
Season finale! To avoid getting sued, Hannah tries to finish her e-book in ONE DAY. This bodes well!
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
The Governor has trouble keeping an eye on two suspicious Woodbury residents… because he only has one eye! DO YOU GET IT??

MONDAY, MARCH 18

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! The new cast includes Andy Dick, Wynonna Judd, and Kellie Pickler. Wake me when it’s over.
9:00 SUN TOP OF THE LAKE
Debut! Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss investigates a pregnant girl’s disappearance in this interesting-looking miniseries.

TUESDAY, MARCH 19

8:00 ABC SPLASH
Debut! Like Dancing with the Stars except with high diving and belly flops.
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Everybody and their hillbilly mother are on the trail of Drew Thompson. (Put some chewing tobacky in the trap!)

Occasional murderers need not apply. steve@thestranger.com

 

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