Hey, do you like Rihanna? I like Rihanna, too! And here are my reasons: (1) She's goooooood lookin'! (2) Her songs are super-catchy and make the junk in my trunk go dunkity-dunk-dunk. And (3) she's a potty mouth on Twitter! Unlike most celebs, who only tweet about boring things, Rihanna is quick to fire back at her Twitter critics when they insult her. For example, when someone named NinyaBella asked why the singer's hair always "looks so nappy?" RiRi quickly tweeted back, "@NinyaBella cuz I'm black bitch!!!" She also says the "c-word," "n-word," "f-word," and "w-word" a lot. (Wait... what's the "w-word" again?)
And while there are plenty of reasons to like Rihanna, there are also a few reasons to say, "No thank you very much." Such as: (1) The whole Chris Brown thing. Their "on-again, off-again, beaten to a pulp, on-again, off-again before he can beat her to a pulp" thing is very distressing to me! (2) I'm afraid if I say anything to her on Twitter, she'll call me a "w-, c-, or f-word." And (3) apparently her world-tour party planes are a real "p-word" in the "a-word." ("Pain in the ass.")
But find out for yourself when Fox broadcasts the Rihanna 777 special this coming Monday, May 6, at 8 p.m.—a documentary promising to show the ins and outs of her lickety-split tour last fall in which she played seven shows in seven countries in seven days, AND she brought along 200 guests (reporters and fans) to join her! Doesn't that sound super-fun? Well, apparently it kind of WASN'T.
While RiRi's heart may have been in the right place, many of the reporters called it seven days of abject HELL—enduring endless layovers in airports and delayed red-eye flights, while never getting enough sleep, eating decent food, or seeing Rihanna (except briefly in passing).
Exhausted reporter Mary H. K. Choi of New York magazine wrote during one endless flight, "You start hoarding packaged foods, because you're low-grade hungry all the time." At one point, the reporters were so punch-drunk from lack of sleep and the frustration of not seeing Rihanna (who reportedly wasn't even on the plane), they went... mmmm... a little bit nuts. One Australian shock jock actually streaked naked down the center aisle while everyone cheered and chanted "Save our jobs!" and "Just one quote!"
So will the Rihanna 777 "behind-the-scenes" documentary show the plight of these frazzled reporters and the lone nude Australian? Probably not. Like the recent (AND ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE) Beyoncé/HBO film Life Is but a Dream, this documentary is but an advertisement—forgoing truth to drum up sales and bolster the record label's bottom line.
On the other hand? I'm gonna watch the crap out of this! Why? Because (1) Rihanna is goooood lookin'! And (2) her songs are like hiphop worms that crawl inside your brain and do the ba-dunk-a-dunk all night long! And (3) who wants to see a bunch of stinky reporters with bags under their eyes desperately pleading for a package of pretzels, anyway? That's just a load of s-word. (And c-, n-, b-, p-, and w-word.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 1
8:30 ABC FAMILY TOOLS
Debut! A loser returns home to run his dad’s hardware store in this new sitcom that depresses the crap out of me.
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Season finale! Elizabeth and Philip meet a suspicious contact. As Admiral Ackbar might say, “IT’S A TRAP!!”
THURSDAY, MAY 2
9:30 NBC PARKS & RECREATION
Season finale! Leslie celebrates her first anniversary as councilwoman—who will ruin it for her?
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
In this episode titled “Entrée,” Hannibal eats a very questionable dinner.
FRIDAY, MAY 3
10:00 IFC MARON
Debut! Comedian/podcaster Marc Maron’s new sitcom where he plays himself. (You were expecting maybe Hamlet?)
SATURDAY, MAY 4
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
This week’s host: the unspellable Zach Galifianakis!
SUNDAY, MAY 5
8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE
Season finale! And yes, this show still exists!
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Pete has an awkward encounter with a client—and what else is new?
MONDAY, MAY 6
8:00 FOX RIHANNA 777
A doc on Rihanna’s “777 Tour”—otherwise known as “GET ME OFF THIS PLANE.”
10:00 BRAVO NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR
Debut! A new reality series about the first year of a married couple’s life—before the eventual divorce sets in.
TUESDAY, MAY 7
8:00 ABC SPLASH
Season finale! The three finalists compete to see who can perform the best belly buster.
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
No one remembers to throw Winston a surprise b-day party. MARGINALIZED AGAIN.
Promise I won’t call you the “c-word.” @WmSteveHumphrey