I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

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Hey, I almost never regret anything, because I pretty much run this place. But this year, I have a big, fat, wet, glistening tumor of a regret. I should have taken Lance Armstrong instead of all those other people I killed this year. What a malignancy that guy turned out to be. Meanwhile, your grandmother? Nice lady, lovely-smelling. That kid down the street who expired slowly and horribly and humiliatingly of testicular lumps? Sweet little guy. Donna Summer? Etta James? Robin Gibb? Nora Ephron? Sally Ride? David Rakoff? I took all those sods and left Lance. What the fuck was I thinking? Even I'm not that much of an asshole. Lance would have been worthy of the pain I could have inflicted. I could have brought about the anti-dopiest of anti-doping effects, all the way into his very bones. I should have dogged him like he dogged those riders, treating them like his abused children, forcing them to do things and keep quiet. Mobster! Well, 2013 is another year, Lance. And I never get tired. Livestrong my cancerous ass.

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@2 What people are upset by, is the fact that he ruined the careers of people who justly accused them. He was incredibly vindictive.

Posted by zhirzzh on January 22, 2013 at 5:07 AM · Report

Lance raised a few hundred million to raise cancer awareness, not to cure it.
Not the same thing.

Posted by Nhatt on January 21, 2013 at 8:38 AM · Report

Of course cancer wishes it killed Lance Armstrong, regardless of what you thought about his cycling career (And let's be honest, the Tour de France isn't exactly the Super Bowl), Lance raised a few hundred million dollars to beat cancer.

Posted by DFK on January 8, 2013 at 8:11 AM · Report

Really, wishing cancer on someone? Why don't you worry about your own karma. So tacky and classless.

Posted by ellie_dee on January 3, 2013 at 1:23 PM · Report

@3 - The cancer pre-dated his relationship w/ Sheryl Crow by about 6 or 7 years. Testicular ca = young guy's disease.

Posted by The Wild Sow on January 2, 2013 at 2:17 PM · Report

Well, Lance was also a MAJOR douche to Sheryl Crow-if nothing else, he had "the big C" coming for that.

Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on January 2, 2013 at 2:00 PM · Report

Psh. Of all the crimes in the world, taking performance enhancing drugs is pretty low on the list, even if he did get a lot of money out of his career. Look at it this way: he provided entertainment over the years, which is way more than what most embezzlers provide society for basically the same crime.

Posted by sahara29 on January 2, 2013 at 12:32 PM · Report