We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

Kyle T. Webster

Maybe it sounded funny at the Regrets Issue editorial meeting, but once it was assigned and I started writing, I realized what a thoroughly regrettable idea "I Regret Sassing Off to My Intoxicated Husband, then Walking into That Door, by Marlaina Kiner-McIver" was. First, it's factually inaccurate: "Walking into a door" is the classic excuse for signs of physical abuse, and while investigators determined a physical assault had occurred at the home of Seattle City Council Member Richard McIver—where officers were dispatched after a 911 call about a domestic disturbance at the Southeast Seattle home—they found no visible injuries on anyone. (Kiner-McIver told officers that her husband had grabbed her by the throat and arm repeatedly before going on a "profane tirade," while McIver admitted he'd been drinking but denied making any physical contact during the argument.) So then I thought about changing the title of the item I was going to write to "I Regret Saying Whatever It Was that Made My Intoxicated Husband Repeatedly Grab Me by the Throat, by Marlaina Kiner-McIver," but this made the whole awesome rottenness of the concept unbearably apparent. Women have enough deterrents to reporting domestic abuse—is a crappy joke good enough reason to create another? Then I thought, maybe I could just have Kiner-McIver regret calling 911, since police are required by state law to arrest "the primary aggressor" in any domestic-violence situation. Then I thought: No, just let it die, for God's sake.