Looking for an athletic challenge? Try this: Attend a Noam Chomsky speech in a dank Olympia theater amongst a congregation of moist hippies, anarchists, and sanctimonious intellectual Olympia Food Co-op board members and try not to puke. I couldn't do it. The only thing I could decipher through Chomsky's incessant mumbling is that average people know more about their local sports heroes than about their local politicians. Real profound! Chomsky quietly drives a luxury Mercedes while at the same time spewing against the effects of NAFTA on Third-World countries; there's nothing more irritating than a hypocritical, joyless, intellectual donkey who tries to shame people for delighting in "pedestrian" activities like sports. Bite my sack, Chomsky!
Now on to the Stupid Bowl. Supposedly it was one of the most exciting Stupid Bowls in Stupid Bowl history. I wouldn't know; I spent the afternoon cleaning the dog hair, cookie crumbs, and old yellow Q-tips from underneath my couch and watching my videotapes of the 2002 World Cup soccer championship. But here's what I've pieced together from my drunken lesbian friends Myrtle and Dixie who called to update me:
Myrtle calls from Safeway where she's buying cat litter, birdseed, beer, and frozen pizzas. "The beer aisle is crowded. There's a pixyish straight girl in aisle 3 with flipped black hair, a sweet smile, and a '60s overcoat. I'm feeling suicidal."
Dixie calls from the couch soon after the game begins and tells me that Beyoncé sang the national anthem and that Apache helicopters flew by to commemorate Americans fighting wars all over the world. We discuss the retractable roof of Houston's Reliant Stadium. It took seven minutes for the roof to close before the game started. Safeco Field's retractable roof takes 10-20 minutes to close. "What the Stupid Bowl needs is a halftime competition between retractable stadium roofs around the country to see which can open and close the fastest," Dixie says.
There is a flurry of calls after the halftime show when Justin Timberlake rips off Janet Jackson's clothing, exposing her right boob to a billion TV viewers. Dixie says it was rehearsed. "He didn't even offer her his coat!" Myrtle says. "The Jackson family is constantly seeking attention." A fat-assed man makes his way past security dressed as a referee ("It's a good thing he wasn't a suicide bomber!") and then strips and streaks down the field, only to be tackled by a burly player and unnecessarily roughed-up by the police.
The last phone call is incoherent, as the excitement of the game itself has overtaken them, and they decide to take a nap. Thanks gals!
