In Central Park last week, High Times magazine played the Onion newspaper in a softball game. Softball, unless it's Women's Fastpitch Softball, which is as hot as the lube-drenched buttocks of a Swedish cheerleader, is not a sport. It's an activity, and one that seems to have been invented simply for beer-drinking stoners to wander around a field of grass in the haze of a permasmile, since softball is about as complicated as a pebble. The High Times Bonghitters are the jocks of the informal magazine league, which includes teams for Vanity Fair and the New Yorker, among others. They're aggressive assholes who play psychological warfare on their opponents by painting their faces and pounding on large drums, and they've been the champions since 1996. The pacifist Onion, having come unprepared--they had to ask the High Times if they could borrow some bats--lost 9-3.
By the power vested in me, by me, I hereby give everyone who rides a bike in Seattle permission to hunt down the jerk in a car who honks at you. You may conduct one, or all, of the following: Shit all over jerk's stereo, rip off jerk's mirrors, pound nails into jerk's tires, pour sugar into jerk's gas tank, and/or blowtorch jerk's upholstery. There is never a good reason to honk at a cyclist.
There are many good reasons to drop your drawers, though. That's what the Russian Marat Safin did after he scored an amazing point during a two-day match against Felix Mantilla. He pulled down his shorts. "I felt like pulling my pants down," he said. And to the officials who penalized him one point and are considering fining him $2,000 for unsportsmanlike conduct, "They do everything that is possible to take away the entertainment. You're not allowed to do this, you're not allowed to do that." Safin apparently has a history of blessedly funny histrionics, including berating a sponsor after being refused a new Mercedes-Benz loaner to replace the one he had crashed during a tournament in Miami.
And finally, Jock Itch's weasel of a second-in-command, Paul the Baseball Guy, is vacationing in Italy, so I'm stuck trying to render some bullshit about the Mariners, which I refuse to do.
