It may not matter to Seattle baseball fans, who can buy girly food like sushi at Safeco Field when they go watch the Mariners lose, but apparently it matters a great deal to Yankees fans. It's a baseball "tradition," like chewing tobacco and steroid injections. It's a lyric in baseball's anthem, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." It's Cracker Jack. Recently Cracker Jack was replaced with Crunch 'n Munch at Yankee Stadium. Little did officials know the fans would go apeshit.

The entire discussion is as stupid as a pillowcase full of cheese curds, and I only mention it to remind viewers that baseball fans are butt-sucking morons who are obsessed with tradition and retain a maniacal level of brand loyalty because the game itself is so boring. Real fans of real sports watch the action, they don't get all excited about digging their filthy mitts into a box of caramel corn and searching desperately for a plastic piece-of-shit toy.

As if there were nothing else to get upset about, all five Jock Itch readers e-mailed to let me know that a few weeks ago I totally dissed Edgar Martinez by misfactualizing the number of home runs he's hit... or something like that. Upon reflection I realize I misplagiarized, but what's the BFD? I'm like President Bush--I made a mistake but I don't have to care.

Look, all that matters is that the NBA finals are over. Whether you want to subject yourself to watching the Lakers lop off the Pistons' testicles is your issue, but the truth is that the NBA sucks these days because of the Lakers. They should be totally dominating (a team with so many great players should NEVER lose a game) but instead they're just half-ass dominating, like a Hummer that's meant to be driving through the roadless jungle but is instead content trying to fit into a parking spot at Pier 1. The Lakers are pussies, and I don't mean that like the actual pussy, which is a wonderful, wonderful invention. I mean it like the way a team is so confident in its ability to win that it doesn't enjoy it. They aren't challenged, they aren't hungry, they don't care. I feel sorry for Lakers fans--what's there to get excited about?

jockitch@thestranger.com