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Joey Mack's Just for Laffs!

My wife; boy does she hate golf! I'm at the course with Frank and Charlie, and they're telling me how they talked their wives into letting them play golf that day. Frank says he sent his wife a dozen red roses. Charlie promised to do all the house cleaning for a month. Here's how I handled it: The alarm goes off at 5:30 am. I roll over and say, "Intercourse or golf course?" My wife says, "Don't forget your sweater." But seriously, wives and golf? They just don't mix. Once, there was this old-timer just about to tee off next to me, when he sees a funeral procession coming. He takes off his hat, puts it over his heart, and watches solemnly as the procession goes by. I say to him, "Hey, that's really nice. You always do that when a funeral goes by? And he says, "Not usually, but it's the least I could do--I was married to the woman for 40 years!" Golf, though; what a crazy sport. I'm leaving the house to play golf with my buddy Ernie, right? But my wife stops me and says I gotta be home by 3:00. Okay, so I don't show up until 7:00. "Where were you?" my wife screams, "I was worried sick!" "Well," I tell her, "an absolutely terrible thing happened. We were on the first green, and boom! Ernie drops dead of a heart attack." "My God, that's awful!" my wife says. "You're telling me!" I say. "The rest of the day it was hit the ball, drag Ernie, hit the ball, drag Ernie...."

Previously in New Column!

My wife. What a pip. I come home to find her packing her bags. "Where are you going?" I ask. "To Las Vegas!" she says. "I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free!" So I start packing MY bags. "Where do you think you're going?" she screams. "To Las Vegas with you," I tell her. "I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year!" She's always getting angry, my wife. While helping her in the kitchen, I tell her I'm going to the living room to check the score. Two hours later my wife walks in yelling, "I thought you were just going to see the score!" And I say, "Well, the score keeps changing." But one day, my wife? She suddenly stops yelling. So I go to the doctor and say, "Doctor, my wife lost her voice. How can I help her get it back?" and the doctor replies, "Try coming home at three in the morning!" Doctors, though; always complaining about money. A plumber shows up to fix a leaky faucet at a neurosurgeon's house. After two minutes the job's complete, and the plumber demands 75 bucks. The neurosurgeon says, "I'm a surgeon and I've never charged that much." The plumber replied, "Neither did I. That's why I switched to plumbing!"

From the Jul 8 - Jul 14, 1999 issue

Speaking for the 16 fabulously wealthy owners (some are even billionaires!) of the Mariners, it saddens us that the citizens of Seattle have chosen not to give us $60 million to cover cost overruns at your new Safeco Field. But don't worry! There's still a way you can help, by donating to our MOVE THE MARINERS fund! As you probably know, it's expensive to move a baseball team to another city (some moving companies charge up to $125 per hour!). However, you can help us cut costs (and assuage your guilt for cheating us out of $60 mill) by clipping out this coupon and sending in your donation today!

YES! I would like to help you pay for moving the Mariners to another city!

Name

Address

Donation: $1,000 $5,000 $10,000 $60 million

Make checks payable to: The Nintendo Group Mail to: "Move the Mariners Fund" c/o Mariners Administration Office 83 S. King, Seattle, WA 98104.

Please! Don't Screw Us Over Again!

From the Jul 1 - Jul 7, 1999 issue

The Stranger and Mayor Paul Schell are

pleased to proclaim Saturday, May 29th as...

MINNIE DRIVER DAY!

IT'S FINALLY HERE! The film Seattle has been breathlessly waiting for! It's An Ideal Husband, starring world-famous actress Minnie Driver, making its Seattle premiere at SIFF on Saturday May 29! And in association with the Minnie Driver Fan Club International™, The Stranger is celebrating this very special day by co-sponsoring the following Minnie Driver-themed events:

The Minnie Driver 2K Fun Run: This race begins at the front door of the Egyptian and will finish at the end of the ticket holders' line for the premiere of An Ideal Husband. Come dressed as your favorite Minnie Driver character! (11:00 a.m.)

Society for Creative Anachronism Salute to Minnie Driver Day: Join the SCA in Ravenna Park as they salute Minnie Driver by staging elaborate medieval fights while quoting lines from Good Will Hunting. "How do you like dem apples?" (1:00 p.m.)

Seattle Gay Chorus Sings the Songs of Minnie Driver: Seattle's favorite all-male chorus lift their voices with theme songs from The Governess, Grosse Pointe Blank, and other Minnie Driver favorites. (5:00 p.m., Broadway Performance Hall)

AN IDEAL HUSBAND, 6:30 p.m. at the Egyptian!!

The 1999 Minnie Driver Day Gala Ball: After the premiere, dance the night away at this sumptuous formal ball, to be held at the Convention Center. Champagne, delicious hors d'oeuvres, and romance will fill the room along with music provided by members of the Seattle Symphony. A perfect Minnie Driver end to a perfect Minnie Driver day--just the way Minnie Driver would want it. (9:00 p.m. till dawn; tickets $500, available through Ticketmaster)