Killer Elite claims to be "based on a true story." You've never seen the word "based" slapped around in such a brutal manner. You'll refuse to believe that such a string of action-movie clichés—beginning in the first few minutes with an assassin who quits after seeing the impact his job has on an innocent victim—have ever happened in this universe. The action sequences featuring Jason Statham fighting armed assailants while tied to a chair feel about as realistic as that sultry Las Vegas night in which I pleasured 25 women at the same time.

This is not to say that a weak grasp on reality is a bad thing. We're talking about a movie featuring Statham, Clive Owen, and Clive Owen's mustache, after all. Statham plays... oh hell, he basically plays a variation of his badass Statham self, this time as the aforementioned retired assassin. Robert De Niro takes the damsel-in-distress role as Statham's mentor who is taken hostage by an eeeeeevil man who forces Statham back into the killing game.

For a while, the movie zings along on well-trod ground, as Statham assembles a team and starts hitting targets. What he doesn't know is that his targets are part of a secret society of ex–secret agents, which is where Owen comes in. Owen and Statham play cat and mouse for a while until one of them goes too far. Killer Elite is structured oddly, with an exhilarating series of action sequences followed by a talky, less-interesting bit—this would be the "true story" part—and generic action-movie scenes where Statham forms a relationship with a crazy-beautiful lady (Yvonne Strahovski) whose job is to look hot, pout a lot, and be put in harm's way. This is not the operatic Owen-vs.-Statham-vs.–Owen's Mustache action thriller you've been waiting for, unfortunately—reality gets in the way—but it passes the time in an agreeable enough way.