MONDAY, MAY 18 This week of spilled oil, Irish triumph, and extraordinarily offensive religious hypocrisy kicked off in Levittown, Pennsylvania, where a young woman was enjoying her Sweet 16 birthday party until it was abruptly transformed into a Stinky Number Two party. "[The girl's stepfather] was playing horseshoes in the backyard while others were swimming," reported Fox 29 about the gathering. "About 40 people were there when it started raining—only it wasn't raining." The stepfather told Fox 29: "Out of nowhere, from the sky, comes a bunch of feces, and lands on her. It was brown, it was everywhere, it got on everything." The likely source of the birthday brownout: one of the four planes flying over the area at the time of the errant sploosh. "The FAA tells Fox 29 that all airplanes are required to dispose of the waste at an airport. The FAA says they will investigate."

TUESDAY, MAY 19 The week continued in Southern California, where today an oil pipeline off the coast of Santa Monica ruptured and released an estimated 21,000 gallons of oil into the ocean near Refugio State Beach. "A day after the spill, oil could be seen on nearly every rock in Refugio as crews worked to clean up the area," reported ABC News. "Further south along the coast, one beach was nearly covered with crude oil Wednesday before it apparently was washed to sea before this morning." On Thursday, the first dead, oil-coated pelican will be found washed up on the beach. "Refugio State Beach is often packed with campers during Memorial Day weekend, but will now be closed indefinitely," reported ABC. "Officials said there's a potential that far more oil leaked into the Pacific Ocean through the faulty pipeline, with a worst-case scenario at 105,000 gallons."

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20 Speaking of horrible shit that's been going on forever, the week continued with Bill Cosby, the once-beloved comedian who's now just a babbling old fool trying to stay a half step ahead of the 40 women who claim to have been drugged and sexually assaulted by the star over the course of his career. Today's item focuses on but one of these women—Janice Dickinson, the legendary 1970s/'80s supermodel and '00s reality star who's accused Cosby of drugging and raping her in Lake Tahoe in 1982 and is now taking him to court. "The statute of limitations has long since run out, but Dickinson says she has a fresh claim after Cosby's team released a statement saying she had fabricated the story," reported TMZ. "So now Dickinson is suing Cosby for defamation and emotional distress." Will Dickinson's civil case require Cosby to finally address his many rape accusers in court, where he'll be asked under oath about the specifics of the alleged crime? Stay tuned, and thank you, Janice Dickinson.

THURSDAY, MAY 21 The week continued with the first of two consecutive Religious Hypocrite Days, with today's commencing on Grindr, the mobile app for men seeking sex with men, where a self-identified "top" man placed an ad seeking other men to "make out naked and cuddle," but took it down after he was identified (by the erotic photos he'd helpfully included in his ad) as Matthew Makela, a Texas pastor with a wife, five kids, and a history of anti-LGBT remarks. "The website Queerty said Makela confirmed it was in fact him [on Grindr]," reported WNEM News today, adding that Makela has resigned his position at Midland's St. John's Lutheran Church. But that's not enough for at least one former parishioner, who claims her gay son was nearly driven to suicide by Makela's antigay teachings. "Jennifer Kish said her then-17-year-old son Tyler suffered from serious depression and was considering suicide because he was told by Makela he was going to hell because he was gay," reported WNEM, which then offered heartening evidence on the current okayness and then some of Tyler Kish. "Honestly, I feel very bad for him, because... everything he was telling me, he was telling himself too," said Tyler Kish to WNEM. "He may very well decide that it's the sin, blame the sin, and try to fix himself, and I don't think there's anything to fix, and I wish him happiness, but only as his true self."

FRIDAY, MAY 22 Speaking of professional religious people doing strenuous damage to children, the week continued with the Duggars, the fundamentalist Christian family featured on the TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting. Today's Duggar of choice: 27-year-old Josh Duggar, the eldest Duggar son, who this week admitted to molesting five underage girls when he was a teenager in Arkansas. "His acknowledgement came after InTouch magazine published a story Thursday about police records it obtained from Springdale, Arkansas, hidden since 2006, that show Josh Duggar confessed to his father, Jim Bob Duggar, who then waited more than a year before contacting police about what his then-15-year-old son admitted doing to five girls," reported USA Today. "InTouch reported that his father took Josh to an Arkansas state trooper, who was a personal friend, who took no action other than a 'very stern talk.' That officer is now serving a 56-year term in prison for child pornography, the magazine reported, and no case was ever brought against Josh Duggar." In addition to being a very lucky child molester, Josh Duggar is a noted conservative activist, having served as a director of the designated antigay hate group Family Research Council, which routinely characterizes the LGBT community as a sexual threat to children. (His mom, Michelle Duggar, also "ran a robocall pushing for the repeal of [Fayetteville's] nondiscrimination ordinance, which she warned would empower 'child predators' to threaten 'the safety and innocence of a child,'" Right Wing Watch reported.) The rancid cherry on top of this shit sundae: TLC deigned to address the exploding scandal only today, after running a 19 Kids and Counting marathon last night and being called out by former TLC reality star Mama June, whose show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was canceled by TLC immediately after photos surfaced of her on a date with a convicted child molester who'd allegedly preyed on her children. "Mama June is so angry TLC has not canceled 19 Kids and Counting, she's prepared to sue TLC, claiming the Duggar family is way worse than hers, yet they still have a show," reported TMZ early this morning. Within hours, TLC issued a statement announcing it was pulling all episodes of the Duggars' show from its broadcast schedule "effective immediately." For a final word on this craptastic matter, we turn to Slate's Mark Joseph Stern: "Josh may be a monster—but as 19 Kids and Counting demonstrates, his path to depravity was lighted by the twisted beliefs of his parents. Although TLC goes to great lengths to mask this fact, the Duggar family is a cult... They adhere to a fringe Christian movement called the 'Christian patriarchy,' which commands total female submission to men and limited education for women. The Duggars do everything they can to control their children's minds, then brainwash them with misogynistic dogma." Condolences to all.

SATURDAY, MAY 23 In 10-billion-times-better news, today Ireland became the first country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage by popular vote, with 62.1 percent of voters in this overwhelmingly Catholic country saying yay for gay. Thank you, Ireland.

SUNDAY, MAY 24 The week ended with news of the deaths of two famous people: Anne Meara, the legendary comedy performer and actor, who also gave birth to Ben Stiller, died yesterday at age 85, and John Nash, the mathematician whose "beautiful mind" was the subject of an Oscar-winning film, died yesterday in a car crash on the New Jersey Turnpike.

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