Columns

Last Days

The Week in Review

IN DWARF FORM

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 This week of convicted hate criminals, Wall Street campouts, and another day of reckoning for Seattle's most dangerous teenager kicks off with 11 words placed in a row to create the greatest headline in history: Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead in a Badger Den. The source of the headline: RadarOnline.com, which identifies the dwarf porn doppelgänger as 35-year-old Percy Foster, a three-foot-six man whose UK film credits include Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Arse We Go. As Radar reports, Foster "was about to be rocketed into the ranks of celebrity porn look-alikes due to his resemblance to Hell's Kitchen host" Gordon Ramsay—but that dream ended when Ministry of Agriculture experts in West Wales investigated an underground chamber ahead of a planned badger-gassing program and found Foster's body. Per Radar, "Investigators have not yet ruled out the possibility of suicide."

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 Speaking of disturbing images, Last Days would like readers to recall an exceptionally upsetting YouTube video, shot in a Baltimore McDonald's, where a pair of young women brutally beat a transgender woman while a laughing McDonald's employee records the attack on his cell phone. Today brought a better image, as one of the attackers—19-year-old Teonna Brown—stood before a Baltimore County judge to receive five years in prison for first-degree assault, which was deemed a hate crime. As Baltimore's WJZ News reports, the victim of the attack—22-year-old Chrissy Polis—chose not to attend today's sentencing, but was well represented by Vicki Thoms, the 55-year-old woman seen in the video trying to stop the attack on Polis (and getting a punch in the eye for her trouble). "I just wanted to make sure that justice was served," said Thoms to WJZ. Along with today's justice came remorse: "I'm sorry," said convicted attacker Brown through tears. "My mother did not raise me like this. I would really like to apologize to the victim, Miss Chrissy Polis." With Brown's 14-year-old accomplice locked in juvenile detention after admitting to the beating, the criminal case is now over, "but the civil case is just beginning," reports WJZ. "Polis is pursuing a claim against McDonald's for failing to stop the beating and because it was its employee who videotaped the incident while laughing about it. So far, a settlement has not been reached."

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 The week continues with Brian Fairbrother, the beloved Espresso Vivace barista whose sad and sudden death, following head injuries sustained in a biking accident, Last Days reported last week. Today brings an infuriating update: "After a Seattle bicyclist died from a fall down some stairs near a poorly marked bike path, a city transportation official said his department had not received any complaints about the stairs before the death," reports Vanesso Ho at Seattlepi.com. "But on Wednesday, a complaint to the city surfaced from three years ago." The complainant: Michael Hoffman, a 31-year-old UW scientist who e-mailed the city about the bike path's dangerous unmarked stairway in August 2008. "It is not apparent until you are near the steps that they are actually steps rather than a ramp," wrote Hoffman. "I think this is dangerous currently. I would strongly recommend some warning signs here." The next day, a senior planner with the parks department contacted Hoffman, acknowledging receipt of his e-mail and claiming the city would keep his comments "in mind." "But three years later, no warning signs existed when Brian Fairbrother was riding northbound on the Eastlake path," writes Ho. "On August 30, he fell down the stairs, suffered severe head injuries, and died last Thursday." The transportation department has announced it will install a warning sign near the stairs this week. Condolences to Fairbrother's loved ones, and thanks to Hoffman for fighting the good fight.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 In much stupider news, the week continues in Conway, Arkansas, aka the foot-fetishiest place on earth. Details come from Reuters, which reports that Conway police "have received two complaints in the past week about a man who seems desperate to suck women's toes—whether they want him to or not." Victim one: 83-year-old Ruth Harris, who told police she was sitting in front of her apartment when a man approached, expressed his appreciation of her feet, then took off one of her shoes and began sucking her toe, fleeing only when bystanders appeared in the apartment's courtyard. Victim two: an unnamed woman of indeterminate age who called police after being approached at a local department store by a man who identified himself as a foot fetishist who wanted to suck her "long and beautiful" toes. "When the woman's cell phone rang, the man retreated," reports Reuters. "She told police that the man was wearing flip-flops, a T-shirt, and blue jeans. She said the man had 'messed-up toes.'" But wait—there's more! Reuters: "It is not the first time that Conway has dealt with this sort of complaint. In the 1990s, a man who was known as the 'Toe Suck Fairy' kept Arkansans captivated with his foot-fondling antics in Conway and in Little Rock." Identified as Michael Wyatt, the Toe Suck Fairy was eventually busted for pretending to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a Conway woman's toes, for which he received probation, a fine, and court-ordered therapy. In 1991, Wyatt was sentenced to four years in prison after telling a convenience store clerk he wanted to cut off her feet and suck her toes while she bled to death, and in 1999, he was arrested again, this time for approaching a woman in a Wal-Mart to compliment her feet, then asking if she'd like them amputated, while showing her pictures of women with no feet. As for the 21st-century toe sucker: "Police have not ruled out the possibility that it could be the same man, but have not identified a suspect."

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Speaking of notorious criminals, the week continues with Billy Chambers, the Seattle man best known as one of the three teens found guilty of killing Edward "Tuba Man" McMichael, for which the then-15-year-old Chambers received a year and a half in juvenile detention. This past January, a 17-year-old Chambers pleaded guilty to stealing drugs from a man at gunpoint, and today, an 18-year-old Chambers pleaded guilty to attempted second-degree assault and hit-and-run. "Investigators said Chambers rear-ended and sideswiped the car of a woman who'd reported him to police for allegedly stealing several items from her car," reports Seattlepi.com. Prosecutors are seeking an 18-month sentence. Dear God: Please let Billy Chambers be caught doing something tremendously bad in prison, so he's never loose on the streets of Seattle again. Amen.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 The week continues with the commencement of Occupy Wall Street, the ongoing nonviolent protest against corporate influence in politics scheduled to occupy Wall Street for the next several months. Stay tuned.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Nothing happened today (unless you count the Emmys, where the surprisingly hilarious Modern Family won lots).

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.

 

Comments (5) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
freesandbags 1
Hey Conway cops, the suspect is the guy with the foot in his mouth...not His foot. Billy, I think we are all better with you behind bars. That dwarf story is fake, right??
Posted by freesandbags on September 21, 2011 at 9:03 PM · Report this
2
Hey---I've got an idea!! Why doesn't Billy Chambers get fatally mauled by a bear??
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 22, 2011 at 1:22 PM · Report this
3
Was Fairbrother wearing a helmet?
Posted by nuh_uh on September 26, 2011 at 12:20 PM · Report this
chrstphre 4
What Western Civilization should have is an alternative to Prison/Jail which recognizes that some people are just not fit for unsupervised community living. When such individuals are Identified, While still in Grade or High School, They are moved to a Small, Isolated town or community in Arizona or New Mexico, surrounded by 500 miles of harsh desert, where they can live perfectly ordinary lives, but in a substantially more supervised environment.
Posted by chrstphre http://transamoebae.blogspot.com/ on September 26, 2011 at 12:54 PM · Report this
5
@4: That's an interesting suggestion, except who would be defined as "not fit for unsupervised living"?

I would vote for the Wall Street bailout goons, Ridiculous Right, and tea baggers to go first. Then we could see how they make it on their own amongst the scorpions, black widow spiders, rattlesnakes and hot, dry sun. McCain could dress up as The Devil and greet them at the Gates of Hell. HA HA!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 26, 2011 at 5:05 PM · Report this

Add a comment