Tools
The week kicks off with an intricately icky story from Akron, Ohio, where today a woman was found guilty of helping her husband impregnate her teenage daughter with a syringe. The Associated Press dished the dirt behind the creepy conception, which was set into motion back in 1998, when 43-year-old Narda Goff, infertile after a hysterectomy, began charting the menstrual cycle of her then-16-year-old daughter in hopes of knocking the girl up with sperm from her new husband. Both Narda and John Goff, mother and stepfather to the victim, claim the girl willingly received the spermy injections to fulfill the dream of her mother, who wished to give her new husband a child. But last week in court, the girl, now 19, testified that her stepfather threatened to kill her mother if she declined to receive the adulterous, quasi-incestuous injections. (The girl also revealed that on Christmas Eve 1998, her mother gave her a home pregnancy test, presenting the positive results to her stepfather "as a present.") Today an Ohio jury found Narda Goff guilty of child endangerment and complicity to commit sexual battery, with Judge John R. Adams characterizing Mrs. Goff as "an active participant in the planning and execution of the insemination of her daughter." As for John Goff: Paternity tests reveal that he is indeed the father of the baby boy born to his stepdaughter in September of 1999 (and currently residing in foster care, thank God). And by the time you read this, Goff will be facing an Ohio jury on charges of rape and sexual battery. (Trial began March 18; stay tuned for the verdict, which we predict will be guilty, guilty, guilty.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 12
Stranger Personals
Speaking of the struggle for justice: Today the U.K.'s News of the World offered a thrilling tale of vigilante justice from the streets of Los Angeles. That's where the world's sluttiest virgin, Britney Spears, was shooting a new television ad last Sunday morning when she found herself the victim of the yellow splash of outrage, as residents awakened by the 4:00 a.m. shoot hurled buckets of urine at the 21-year-old starlet writhing in the street below. "We kept hearing the same song over and over," said one resident of the Spears-besieged neighborhood. "But what made it worse were two 100-foot spotlights. They lit up our apartment like it was daytime." According to the News, Spears responded to the pee-flinging by running for cover in a nearby trailer, with the rest of the crew abandoning the shoot shortly thereafter. Last Days offers our condolences to the unlucky Spears. However, any time bodily fluids are used as weapons of protest is cause for celebration.
··Also today: In Vancouver, Washington, a woman was arrested after a packet of crystal meth fell out of her pocket--and onto the floor of the Clark County Superior Court. The Associated Press reports that Lisa Marie Brecht, 31, was attending a hearing for her boyfriend when the fateful gaffe occurred. "She was gesturing with her hands, which had been in her pockets," reports the court clerk. "And when she took them out, the baggie flew out." Brecht tried to retrieve her stash, but a custody officer beat her to it, and the unlucky, klutzy tweaker was hauled off to jail pending a court appearance.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13
Speaking of busted ladies: Today the Associated Press offered the latest on the Florida State lawsuit against the beloved television psychic Miss Cleo. Today's "revelation": Miss Cleo's birth certificate reveals that she was born Youree Dell Harris on August 13, 1962 in Los Angeles, NOT in Jamaica, as she repeatedly claims in her television ads. (Eureka.) Meanwhile, Last Days had the extreme pleasure of receiving a phone call from Hot Tipper Flo--who went to Alhambra, CA's all-girl Ramona Convent Secondary School with the woman who would be Cleo, and was willing to share her memories and her yearbooks! (See photo for eighth-grade evidence of the young Youree.) Flo remembers the teenaged Cleo as "vivacious" and "a drama student," who displayed no noticeable shamanic or psychic tendencies. Even better, years later Flo encountered the adult Youree (now called "Ree Perris") at an acting class taught by the future shaman at Seattle's Langston Hughes Cultural Arts Center. Despite the high school connection, Perris/Harris/Cleo had no qualms about lying to her former schoolmate about her bogus diagnosis with sickle cell anemia, then leaving town with some of Flo's money. "It was only about $40," says the forgiving Flo of her swiped tuition. "Plus, the class sucked." Deep thanks to Flo for sharing, and shame on Cleo for everything.
THURSDAY, MARCH 14
Two weeks ago, Last Days offered a glib aside on the "big whoop" aspect of Rosie O'Donnell's hyped-to-the-heavens coming out. Tonight Last Days sprinkled those words with Mrs. Dash and ate them for dinner as we watched ABC's Diane Sawyer special, during which O'Donnell held forth on her life as a gay parent--and made us fall deeply in love with her. Throughout the two-hour grilling, Rosie boasted luxurious supplies of everything you want in a celebrity lesbian: an informed, passionate viewpoint undistorted by emotion, an attractive, seemingly naturally humane disposition, and a sexy sense of humor about her big fat can. (Plus, she accomplished the near-miraculous by speaking the phrase "I'm doing it for the children" without making us vomit.) Add to this O'Donnell's heartfelt quoting of not one but two "Gay Community!" icons (Anne Rice and Les Miz) and you've got the most approachable, magnanimous, and potentially effective gay spokesmodel in history.
FRIDAY, MARCH 15
Today in Houston, a jury took less than hour to decide that Andrea Yates, convicted last week of murdering her five children, should spend the rest of her life in jail rather than die by the hand of the state. Meanwhile, Russell Yates, the man who repeatedly impregnated his lethally depressed wife, leaving her alone to clean, feed, and homeschool their half-dozen children before drowning them in a tub, walks away free. Speaking to the Associated Press after the sentencing, Mr. Yates described his wife as "the kindest, sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met," announced plans for a lawsuit against the doctors who failed to discern the severity of his wife's mental illness, and admitted that he'll probably remarry and have more kids. Andrea Yates will be eligible for parole in 2041, when we hope she'll be released and run over Russell Yates with a cement truck.
SATURDAY, MARCH 16
If there's one thing that makes Last Days happy not to be dead it's good music, and today we had the pleasure of finding a whole bunch of it on December's Children (And Everybody's), the 1966 release by the Rolling Stones. God knows why we never heard this record before, but it renewed our faith in modern art and made our pants itch. Rock folk: Owning the ugly, sucky Hot Rocks doesn't cut it; have some respect and follow the records at least back to '65. Regular folk: Buy December's Children (or Aftermath, or Beggar's Banquet) and find out why that hideous, big-lipped freak is still allowed to shake his decrepit ass all over the place without being shot or mocked to death.
SUNDAY, MARCH 17
The week ends with the 92nd birthday of the Camp Fire Girls, the 10th year without apartheid in South Africa, and what would have been the 97th wedding anniversary of Franklin D. and Eleanor Roosevelt. Congrats to all.
Thank you for the snow bong, my darling. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
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