MONDAY, OCTOBER 17 This week of soiled starlets, unprovoked bologna, and impromptu massacres of exotic animals in Ohio kicks off in Seattle, where a 19-year-old man stands accused of attacking a female jogger for the stupidest reason imaginable. As KIRO reports, the attack allegedly took place one week ago today, when a woman was jogging through Carkeek Park and was attacked by a stranger she'd previously seen sitting on a park bench. As the woman told police, the attacking man forced her to the ground before she fought him off with kicks, scratches, and screams. The reportedly "stunned" man then apologized and attempted to flee, stopping only to call 911 and report that he'd just attacked a woman at the park. Further fascinating details come from the King County prosecutor's office, via probable cause documents released today: When police tracked down the apologetic alleged attacker/self-snitcher—identified as 19-year-old Jack Keewatinawin—the young man admitted he'd spent most of the night before the attack smoking marijuana and woke up the next day "still a little high." Keewatinawin told police that he was moved to "catch" the female jogger because he thought she was the "marijuana goddess," and believed he should drag her into the woods and have sex with her. Charged with second-degree assault with sexual motivation, Keewatinawin has already been found guilty of single-handedly proving the most ridiculous assertions of the 1936 propaganda shocker Reefer Madness to be true.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18 Speaking of creeps, today brings another: a 29-year-old man suspected of exposing himself to and/or masturbating in front of at least nine children in the Seattle area, who was finally taken into police custody early this morning. Supplementary player in the saga: the Occupy Seattle protest in Westlake Park, where detectives handed out flyers bearing the suspect's likeness and received tips that helped lead to this morning's arrest. identifies the 29-year-old man, booked into King County Jail at about 1:45 this morning, as Jesse Kaein Drugger, charged with one count of second-degree child molestation and five counts of indecent exposure.

•• Speaking of creeps identified by the Occupy movement: Today also brings an update on Anthony Bologna, the New York City Police detective made internationally notorious by the YouTube video showing the unprovoked Bologna casually pepper-spraying two female protestors standing peacefully behind a barricade at a September 24 protest near Union Square. (As viewers of the video know, the women screamed in agony while other cops at the scene expressed amazement at Bologna's actions.) Today brought news of Bologna's official punishment from the NYPD, whose investigators determined that Bologna violated departmental guidelines and docked him 10 vacation days.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19 Speaking of crazy bullshit: The week continues in rural Ohio, where an exotic animal hoarder fatally shot himself after unleashing a private zoo's worth of wild beasts on the Ohio countryside. As the Associated Press reports, the saga commenced yesterday at the Muskingum County Animal Farm near Zanesville, where owner Terry Thompson threw open the cages of his private zoo then shot himself, leaving a 62-year-old corpse and an impromptu safari. Set loose were nearly 50 exotic animals, from mountain lions and grizzly bears to baboons and Bengal tigers—and nearly all of them were promptly hunted down. "Sheriff's deputies shot 48 animals, including 18 rare Bengal tigers and 17 lions," reports the AP. "The animals destroyed also included six black bears, two grizzlies, a baboon, a wolf and three mountain lions... Officers were ordered to kill the animals instead of trying to bring them down with tranquilizers for fear that those hit with darts would escape in the darkness before they dropped and would later regain consciousness." Tiny silver lining: Three leopards, two monkeys, and a grizzly bear and were captured alive and taken to the Columbus Zoo.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20 In better news, today brought the fatal shooting of Muammar Qaddafi, the 700-year-old Libyan head of state and one of the original Islamic terrorists, whose decades of murdering dissenters and organizing mass rapes ended today after a NATO air strike sent him scrambling to hide in a large sewer drainpipe, where Qaddafi was subsequently and fatally shot. Congratulations to the people of Libya.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21 The week continues with Lindsay Lohan, the 25-year-old actress and felon who officially made the leap from fallen starlet to menace to society sometime in 2007, when a hopped-up Lohan allegedly commandeered a car containing three strangers for a high-speed chase down the Santa Monica Freeway, after which she tried to blame the whole thing on "the black guy," according to one of the car's occupants who promptly accused her of hijacking and kidnapping. (The case is still being sorted.) This week, shit got thick again as Lohan, out on probation following her shoplifting conviction, had her probation revoked and was taken back into police custody. As reports, the probation revocation occurred during a Wednesday court hearing about Lohan's progress in completing the requirements of her probation, during which Los Angeles judge Stephanie Sautner berated Lohan for her failures. "There has been violation after violation," said Judge Sautner, citing Lohan's failure to complete her court-ordered community service at the Downtown Women's Center (a probation- mandated task that Lohan deemed "unfulfilling"). After revoking Lohan's probation, Sautner ordered the actress to immediately start "a minimum of two days a week at 8 hour increments" at the LA County Morgue. Yesterday, Lohan attempted to commence her morgue work but was turned away after arriving 40 minutes late. Today, Lohan was right on time and was welcomed into the morgue, where she'll be "cleaning toilets, among other jobs," reports Radar.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22 Nothing happened today, unless you count the sad reports about the 20-year-old man (and US Marine) who was hiking last night in western Oregon when he was fatally shot by a hunter who mistook him for a bear. The shooting has been ruled accidental, no charges have been filed, condolences to all.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23 The week ends in eastern Turkey, where today brought a 7.2-magnitude earthquake that toppled dozens of buildings, injured thousands of people, and killed at least 459.

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