MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7 This week of grateful remembrances, colossal brain farts, and tons of fucking sequins kicks off in downtown Los Angeles, where today the "two-year legal battle over who was responsible for Michael Jackson's sudden death came to a dramatic close," as CNN reports. At the center of the drama: Dr. Conrad Murray, the Houston physician whom Michael Jackson paid $150,000 a month to supply all the opiates and "hypnotic agents" Jackson wanted. (Favored drug: propofol, the intravenously administered veterinary anesthetic Jackson referred to as "his milk," which ultimately killed him.) Today, after eight hours of deliberation, a California jury found Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter, providing fuel for several centuries' worth of "Michael was murdered!" conspiracy theories and striking fear into the hearts of Drs. Feelgood forever after. The bad doctor faces up to four years in prison.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 In more lion-escapey news, today at Seattle's Woodland Park Zoo a lion escaped, eluding capture for almost an hour before it was tranquilized and returned to its den. Further details come from KING 5 News, which identifies the temporarily escaped lion as a 12-year-old African female that "escaped a sleeping den and made it into a service hallway inside the feline building" before being sedated, captured, and returned to her den without injury. "Zoo staff said the lion never made it outside the building and no one was ever in danger," reports KING 5. "It's not known how the lion escaped, or how the staff found out about it."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9 The week continues with updates on four American buttholes. Butthole 1: Brett Ratner, the hack action director and would-be producer of the coming year's Academy Awards ceremony, who stepped down from his Oscar post after bragging on the radio about banging Olivia Munn, casually using a gay slur ("rehearsal is for fags") at a public screening, and reminding everyone in the world what a stupid idea it was to have Brett Ratner anywhere near the Oscars in the first place. Butthole 2: Eddie Murphy, the literally shameless Hollywood star who was slated to host Ratner's Oscar telecast but wisely followed his dumb buddy out the door. (Instead, we shall get a civilized Oscar ceremony produced by Bill Condon, hosted by Billy Crystal, and featuring at least 50 million jokes about Brett Ratner, Eddie Murphy, and who/what rehearsal is for.) Butthole 3: Rick Perry, the Texas governor/would-be GOP presidential hopeful who this evening joined his fellow presidential contenders onstage at the 4,000th Republican debate of the season and did worse than even his worst enemies had imagined possible. Following Perry's touting that there are three government agencies he would absolutely, positively eliminate should he be elected president, he was pressed to name these agencies and could not. Instead, Perry sweated bullets and sucked air before attempting to wave off his failure with an "oops" and a smile. By tomorrow, Perry's Oopsgate will be widely identified as the end of his presidential chances. But don't feel too bad for the bumbling governor: Once Perry is officially out of the GOP race, expect to see him cashing in on his career-ruining catchphrase. ("Governor Perry! Did you eat all the Totino's Pizza Rolls?" "Oops!") Butt-hole 4: Herman Cain, another would-be GOP presidential hopeful who morphed from "that weird long shot who used to run Godfather's Pizza" to Republican front-runner before being clobbered by an ever-growing collection of sexual-harassment claims. This week brought Accuser Number Four, a former subordinate of Cain's at the National Restaurant Association, who trotted out Gloria Allred to help her tell the world about the (alleged) time Cain got her alone in a car, tried to grab her genitals, pushed her head toward his lap, and explained his actions with the phrase "You want a job, right?" Cain maintains his complete lifelong innocence and is no longer the GOP front-runner.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10 In much worse news, the week continues in Seattle, where today brought a tragic new development in what was already a mind-bending tragedy. It began last weekend in Grays Harbor, where an elderly married couple was reportedly attacked by a well-armed drifter who allegedly shot 88-year-old Ralph Aldrich in the chest with a crossbow before attacking 83-year-old June Aldrich with a hatchet. As KING 5 reports, Mr. Aldrich was found dead at the scene, Mrs. Aldrich was rushed to Harborview Medical Center in critical condition, and the alleged attacker was identified as John Chase, a 31-year-old transient who police believe had been camping near the Aldrichs' home. "He told his friend he was trying to get away, that demons were after him, he'd been living in the woods for several days, [and] he had just killed two demons and stole their truck," as Undersheriff Rick Scott told KING 5. Chase remains jailed on one count of second-degree murder, which will likely be upped to two counts, as this evening at Harborview, June Aldrich died. Condolences to all.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11 The week continues with the rare holiday that actually means something (sorry, Administrative Assistants Day and Easter): Veterans Day, the annual United States holiday honoring all who served in the military. The debt we owe veterans is immeasurable, but the fact is one in four homeless Americans is a vet. Feel free to divert yourself from this horrifying fact via Wikipedia fussbudgetry: "The holiday is commonly printed as Veteran's Day or Veterans' Day in calendars and advertisements. While these spellings are grammatically acceptable, the United States government has declared that the attributive (no apostrophe) rather than the possessive case is the official spelling."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12 Just when you think you never want to hear another drifter- with-a-hatchet story again, the week coughs up a hatchet-wielding-drifter story that'll steal your heart. Details come from the police blotter of the Tacoma News Tribune, which identifies today's subject as a 49-year-old transient found living under a Tacoma overpass, where late this afternoon he allegedly started a bonfire that soon drew firefighters to the scene. "The transient blocked them," reports the News Tribune. "He carried an ax at his side. He didn't wave it. He didn't threaten. He uttered seven words. 'You are not putting my fire out.'" Then came the cops, who cuffed the lackadaisical ax-wielder, leaving one particularly poetic Tacoma police officer to document what he or she found at the scene: "The spot was soggy, waterlogged. The man had placed old stop-sign posts over the muddy spots: little walkways. Near the fire, a mattress and a couch set a cozy scene. On the couch was a blanket. Under the blanket was a dead deer. It wore sunglasses and a medieval knight's helmet. Between one of its hooves, it seemed to hold a lollipop. Police took the man's ax and told him to vacate by the following day. They didn't ask about the deer." Thank you, poetic police officer.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13 In even better news, the week ends at the Goodwill on Dearborn, where today brought the second and final day of the 2011 Glitter Sale. For those who don't know, Goodwill's annual Glitter Sale involves putting all the glittery and shiny fashion objects donated over the past year—formal wear, evening wear, shoes, purses, jewelry—all on sale at once. The two-day glitzkrieg draws huge, amazing crowds of drag queens, high-school dance squads, and designer-fashion bargain hunters, many of whom line up around the building in advance. Best of all, this year's Glitter Sale raised a record $187,000, which will go to support free job training and education programs for low-income and underserved community members.
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