TUESDAY, MAY 21 Hot on the heels of yesterday's worthlessly vague terror warning by Vice President Dick Cheney comes another officially sanctioned reason to stay drunk and under the bed. On Monday, Cheney spoke of the certainty of future terror attacks, including the potential threat to large apartment buildings and condos; today the director of the FBI Robert Mueller warned of the "inevitability" of suicide bombings on American soil. By week's end, a condo building in Encino will go boom, and a barge will smash into a crowded freeway in Oklahoma. As of press time, neither of these events has been linked to terrorist activity. But Last Days never misses an opportunity to jump to a horrifying conclusion.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 22 Here's something refreshing: a Roman Catholic priest pleading guilty to something other than child molesting. Today in Davenport, Iowa, Rev. Jeffrey Windy admitted his guilt in conspiring to manufacture and distribute gamma hydroxybutyrate--better known as "the date-rape drug" (a.k.a "roofies," "Belltown Billiards beauties," and "Mom's Little Helper.") Reuters reports that 31-year-old Windy began making the illegal drug--popular with date rapists for its uncanny ability to draw silent assent from the lips of incapacitated loved ones--after witnessing the immense profits available from the drug's sale. Then came the bust: Prosecutors said that undercover agents witnessed Windy making the drug, after which they purchased some of the finished product from one of Windy's five co-conspirators. Currently suspended from his priestly duties, Rev. Windy faces sentencing on Aug. 22, at which time he could be punished with up to $1 million in fines and 20 years in prison.
·· Also: After a 13-month search beset by icky suspicions and a horribly diverting national tragedy, today a dog in Washington DC's Rock Creek Park found a skull and other bones soon confirmed (via dental records) to have once been Chandra Levy.
THURSDAY, MAY 23 Along with the total eclipse of Anne Heche's "I'm straight and crazy!" media blitz and cheap airline tickets, one of the few benefits of September 11 is the new level of respect and gratitude for risk-bearing public servants, partcularly firemen and policemen. But it felt like old times when Last Days today stumbled on a story of an evil cop in Vladivostok, Russia, who not only shirked his duties long enough to punch a little girl in the face (see photo), but also clocked the toddler in full view of a video camera (see photo), whose owner wasted no time giving the footage to Russian news agencies (see photo.) The punch seen round the world took place at a protest staged by Russian fishermen and their families, who claim to be owed months of wage arrears. BBC News reports that over 200 supporters crowded into the picket line, eventually drawing the city's traffic police, whose Chief Lieutenant Alaksandr Lysenko was engaged in a heated exchange with a young mother when he struck out with his fist and clocked the woman's young daughter in the face (see photo). Russian officials have complained that TV reports have shown a "one-sided view" of the affair by excising earlier footage showing the woman hitting the officer with her purse. (As for the little girl, look at that face. She was asking for it.) If convicted of assault, Lieutenant Lysenko could face between three and 10 years in prison.
FRIDAY, MAY 24 Tonight Last Days had the good luck of stumbling upon a special event broadcast on KIRO, boasting the promising title Farewell, Harry! Unfortunately, the KIRO special was not a new Nad's infomercial but a televised tribute to Harry Wapler, the jovial weatherman whose meteorological spunk and elfin whimsy have brightened KIRO newscasts since God was a candy bar in Allah's back pocket. But after more than three decades of service, Harry's calling it quits--and KIRO hauled out the big guns to send him off. Among the highlights: a sweet video tribute from son and successor Andy, high praise (via video feed) from network bigwig Dan Rather, and a plethora of fun facts about Harry himself. (Did you know that Harry loves sushi and owns 17 cars?!) But nothing compared to Farewell, Harry's finale, a montage of photographs taken by KIRO viewers of their very favorite weather. Through it all, Harry looked happy, honored, and elfin. Best o'luck to you, Mr. Wapler.
SATURDAY, MAY 25 Nothing happened today.
SUNDAY, MAY 26 Today brought the long-awaited premiere of VH-1's Divas Las Vegas!, an all-star concert featuring today's hottest skinny women who can sing. Last Days tuned in long enough to watch host Ellen Degeneres introduce with the deepest sincerity "two women known for their uncommon valor--Mary J. Blige and Shakira!" (Take that, Rosa Parks!) Despite her well-publicized moratorium on drama, Blige dramatized the hell out of Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield," with plenty of help from Shakira, the international pop sensation with the looks of a classy Christina and the voice of a yodelling Cher. (Still, Last Days can't diss Shakira too hard, as we have grown to love her "Underneath Your Clothes," the most infernally catchy pop schlock since early Alanis, and the greatest pro-monogamy power ballad in rock history.) As for "uncommon valor," that trait was most winningly displayed by Ms. Degeneres, who deserves a congressional medal of honor for speaking that introduction without choking on her own vomit.
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