MONDAY, NOVEMBER 13 This week of hideous political appointments, puke-inducing publicity stunts, and art stars clobbered in their own homes kicks off today with a fittingly ridiculous yet pathos-ridden story of a Seattle man taken into custody after refusing to get out of his car during a DUI investigation. Key mitigating factor: the suspected drunk driver's lack of legs, both of which had been amputated after the man survived below-the-belt gunshot wounds. Further details come from the Seattle Times: After noticing the 34-year-old man speeding and changing lanes erratically on northbound Interstate 5 Saturday night, a state trooper pulled the man over on suspicion of DUI. After telling the trooper he'd just come from a party where he sat in his car and drank, the 300-pound legless man (whose vehicle was equipped with hand controls) submitted to a breath test, blowing an impressive three times the legal limit. Then shit got weird: When the trooper tried to arrest the man, the man refused to get out of his car, informing the officer that he could only exit the car with a wheelchair but had left his at home. When the officer produced a wheelchair, the man became belligerent, inspiring the trooper to call the man's mother, who confirmed that her son had been on a drinking binge since his father's death. Even with his mother present, the man refused to cooperate, finally requiring officers to forcibly haul the 300-pound double amputee out of the car, onto a stretcher, into a muzzle (he was spitting), and off to Harborview. No charges have been filed.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14 Speaking of alleged crime scenes veering eerily close to performance art: Today brings a bracing report from Hot Tipper Ben, typically known as one-third of the celebrated art gang SuttonBeresCuller, who was yesterday revealed to be an amateur crime fighter par excellence. "I came home after eating a sandwich at the Joe Bar at around 2:30 p.m.," writes Ben. "When I opened the door to my place, I realized all my lights were on. A split second later, a man wearing a hard hat ran out of my bedroom and punched me in the face." Quickly recovering from the surprise punch, Ben tackled the puncher and they "wrestled around while the guy screamed, 'Don't even do it! Don't even do it!'" The man ran out the door, Ben tripped him on the sidewalk, and the man threatened to stab him. Finally the punching stab-threatener ran off, but not before Ben ripped off his backpack, which held an assortment of bolt cutters, screwdrivers, crowbars, and presumably stolen wallets. "The whole thing lasted about 25 seconds," says Ben, who was joined minutes later by police, who fingerprinted everything and sent out an APB for "a 5' 8" white male wearing a white hard hat and one shoe." (Apparently, the man lost the other shoe during the scuffle.) But the weirdest was yet to come, as Ben surveyed the wreckage: "He'd bypassed my stereo equipment and CDs to bag up all my underwear, dirty socks, tank tops, and jeans. The bitch was trying to steal my fucking clothes!" As for collateral damage: "I busted my knuckle up punching him, but was pretty proud that I got his shoe and bag while he was trying to take my shit," reports Ben. "He did get away with my passport, which is a pain in the ass, and my illusion of safety is gone, but all is well. I think he had on the construction-worker disguise so no one would pay attention to him. I thought you would appreciate that."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15 The week continues with a tragic return to the stage by Michael Jackson. In his much-heralded "first public performance since his acquittal on child-molestation charges!" Jacko appeared tonight at London's World Music Awards, where he was expected to perform his 1982 classic "Thriller," but instead warbled only two lines of the crappy "We Are the World" while surrounded by his standard-issue multicolored collection of children, whose parents should be arrested. Meanwhile in Australia, a Sydney drag queen is making headlines for allegedly bombarding Michael Jackson with marriage proposals. According to Britain's Daily Star, the alleged-stalker drag queen has been sending Jackson up to "100 lewd letters a day, begging him for a relationship and asking for his hand in marriage"; the attention has reportedly driven Jackson to hire four new bodyguards and wear a bulletproof vest at all times. "This person is plaguing [Jackson's] life and has sent some seriously dodgy letters," said "a source" to the Daily Star. "He tells Michael he needs to marry him. Michael has been having problems sleeping because of this guy." Last Days has no doubt that Michael Jackson has trouble sleeping, but we sincerely doubt it has anything to do with an Australian drag queen, unless "Australian drag queen" is a new euphemism for "tortured criminal conscience."
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Speaking of tortured criminal consciences: Today O. J. Simpson and soulless publishing ho Judith Regan grossed out the entire world by announcing plans for a book and TV special detailing Simpson's murder of his estranged wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ronald Goldman—if he'd ever done such a thing. Designed by Satan to fill the bank account of an all-but-admitted killer while making a pornographic mockery of the constitutional prohibition against double jeopardy, Simpson and Regan's book and TV deals were immediately denounced by everyone everywhere, with this rare instance of unanimous moral outrage leading to the abortion of both deals by the beginning of next week.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17 Speaking of outrage, today countless lefties were ejected from the giddy land of happiness created by the GOP-slaughtering midterm elections, thanks to President Bush's in-your-face appointment of far-right-wing loony Eric Keroack as chief of family-planning programs at the Department of Health and Human Services. A Christian obstetrician-gynecologist who's characterized premarital sex as "modern germ warfare," Keroack will oversee $283 million in annual family-planning grants "designed to provide access to contraceptive supplies and information to all who want and need them with priority given to low-income persons." That seems fair—NOT. (For a full description of the intricate mechanics of "not" jokes, please refer to the funniest scene in the damn Borat movie. For further details on the ridiculous horrors to be wrought by Eric Keroack, stay tuned.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18 The week continues with the sad news of the death of Ruth Brown, the R&B pioneer who won universal acclaim with her ass-kicking voice, and the hearts of countless John Waters fans with her performance as Motormouth Maybelle in the original Hairspray. R.I.P. Ms. Brown.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19 The week ends with the hubbub doomed to be remembered as Kramergate, instigated by lanky Seinfeld alum Michael Richards's spicing up of a comedy routine by repeatedly and furiously calling an audience member a nigger at a Los Angeles comedy club Friday night. Tomorrow, Richards will appear on Letterman to issue an iffy apology. The day after that, he'll retire, and Seinfeld will be yanked from syndication and replaced with old episodes of Melrose Place.
A boy can dream. Send Hot Tips to email@example.com.