The week begins with a litigious kick in the britches for Tim Eyman. Today the morally limber, shockingly faggy anti-tax activist was slapped with a lawsuit by the Transportation Choices Coalition, an alternative-transportation advocacy group that claims Eyman stole its name when he dubbed his latest ballot measure the Transportation Choices Initiative. Currently gunning for inclusion on this fall's ballot, Eyman's Transportation Choices Initiative would dedicate all state taxes from car sales to highway construction and repairs, and open freeway carpool lanes to general traffic during non-peak hours. This greatly peeves the Transportation Choices Coalition, which has devoted half a decade to popularizing such eco-friendly transit options as buses, trains, and vanpools--the very options Eyman's name-stealing, every-driver-for-himself Initiative 265 would trample. Filed today in a Seattle federal court, the TCC's lawsuit accuses Eyman of violating both Washington's Consumer Protection Act and federal trademark law by using the name "to confuse and deceive people, silence the coalition's vote, and raise money with a name associated with transportation alternatives," and asks the court to block Eyman from further use of the name. Never shy about spinning illegal deeds into self-serving P.R., Eyman greeted the lawsuit with glee. "I couldn't ask for a greater gift to our campaign," said Eyman to the Associated Press, before swishing away like Nelly Nellerson in Nellytown on the nelliest day of the year.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 6
Speaking of shameless boobs: Today nearly a dozen nursing mothers plopped themselves down in the Northgate Mall Food Court to feed their babies and swap public-nursing war stories in celebration of National Breastfeeding Week. Co-organized by Beverly Baker, a mother of two from Kent, and Leticia Fontaine, a mother of two from Tacoma, today's Nurse Out sought to help women feel more comfortable about breast-feeding in public. "People think it's a big exhibitionist thing," said Leticia Fontaine to the Seattle Times. "They don't realize it's just like changing diapers." (An unfortunate simile, but you get the drift.) According to eyewitnesses, today's Northgate Mall Nurse Out passed without conflict, and with a minimum of pervy gawkers.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7
Today brought the publication of a thrillingly weird story in the Seattle Times, whose staff reporter Ian Ith eloquently explicated the case of Michael Ralph Lamberti, an international man of mystery who first made local waves around July 11. According to police reports, that's when Mr. Lamberti, a tall, heavyset 30-year-old with brown hair, brown eyes, a Texas drawl, and Armani suits, first met a 31-year-old Seattle woman and her boyfriend in a Capitol Hill bar. During this meeting, Lamberti convinced the pair that he was a famous actor, playing a lead role in the Tony Award-winning Broadway show Rent. A week later, Lamberti told the woman he'd lost his wallet and needed cash; over the next three days, the woman cashed two checks (totaling $6,200) for her famous new friend. Only when her checking account was frozen due to insufficient funds did the woman begin to suspect foul play. According to the Times, the woman promptly called Lamberti to inform him of the lame checks, and the would-be Rent star promised to have money wired to repay her. When the man stopped answering his phone, the woman called Seattle police, then set out to find the nefarious check kiter herself. On July 25, the woman found her man in a Capitol Hill bar and called the cops; upon the man's arrest, police found $2,360 (along with a fake Texas driver's license and a stolen credit card) in his not-so-stolen wallet, and booked the lying bastard into King County Jail. Meanwhile, the remaining strands of Lamberti's web of lies unraveled, as managers at the Sorrento Hotel--where the "famous actor" had been staying in a $600-a-night suite--searched the now-imprisoned man's abandoned room to find racks of pricey suits, stacks of expensive merchandise, and piles of credit-card receipts bearing a variety of cardholders' names. (During a subsequent search, police also found what they identified as "check-printing software.") Turns out that Michael Lamberti is NOT the star of the Tony Award-winning Broadway show Rent, but rather a grifter and habitual check kiter from Dallas, where he's been jailed repeatedly for theft, fraud, and credit-card abuse, where he's currently wanted on several forgery charges, and where he will soon be extradited after Seattle authorities tally the extent of his Seattle scams.
·· Also today: A 40- member children's choir serenaded R&B superstar and alleged child pornographer R. Kelly as he was escorted into Chicago's Cook County Criminal Court, and the manager of a Hanover, Germany, retirement home confirmed that a 90-year-old female resident was killed when a 485-pound performing bear sat on her.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 8
Today brought the publication of a brand new Stranger, featuring the paper's second published account of the creepy old guy who keeps exposing his boner in the mosh pits of local rock shows. For those out of the sick-fuck loop, the aforementioned creep is a short, fortysomething man of Asian descent, whose m.o. is to sleaze his way into the crowd at popular rock shows (Sleater-Kinney at the Block Party, the Oops! Tour at Graceland), then press his exposed-and-engorged wang against all available female flesh. While Last Days must commend this absolutely disgusting freak on his ingenuity and good taste, we must also offer our eternal love and devotion to the first riot guy or grrrl to greet Mr. Sicko's pokey wee-wee with a bright blast of spray paint. (May we suggest American Classic's Danger Orange spray enamel, available for $3.49 at your neighborhood Fred Meyer?)
·· Speaking of freaks who thrive on indecent exposure: Today Tim Eyman caved in to mounting legal pressure, renaming his latest measure the Voters Deserve a Choice Initiative.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 9
Today Charlton Heston, Oscar-winning actor and trigger-happy president of the NRA, revealed that he is suffering from symptoms of Alzheimer's. "At least he'll have no problem blowing his brains out," said a vice-editor who shall remain nameless.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 10
Nothing happened today (unless you count Showgirls at Olympia's Capitol Theater, which was dreamy).
SUNDAY, AUGUST 11
Nothing happened today.
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