MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Just in time to exacerbate the life-is-shit misanthropy bristling beneath the skin of every sentient citizen contemplating the anniversary of 9-11, the week begins with the worst story ever. Today prosecutors in Oregon charged Maximiliano Esparza, a 32-year-old transient, with the rape and murder of Sister Helen Chaska, a 53-year-old nun belonging to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, an Orthodox Catholic order devoted to helping the sick, hungry, and homeless. The attack occurred early yesterday morning in Klamath Falls, Oregon, after Sister Helen Chaska and a fellow nun spent the day and evening raising money for charity by selling religious books, statuettes, and rosary beads near the entrance of the local Albertsons grocery store. When the store closed at midnight, the sisters returned to their room at the Klamath Falls Best Western, then decided to take a walk while praying the rosary. On an asphalt bike path near Klamath Falls' Kiger Stadium the sisters met Esparza, who'd arrived earlier in the day on a train from Portland. After checking into the Klamath Falls Gospel Mission, Esparza spent the evening drinking beer at the local strip joint. Just after midnight, Esparza encountered the sisters walking down the bike path in their blue habits. According to police, Esparza head-butted one of the nuns, then beat both to the ground with his fists. He then raped both sisters, twisting each woman's rosary beads around her neck to control her during the assault. Sister Helen Chaska died at the scene; today's autopsy results (reported in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer) revealed the cause of death to be ligature strangulation, with Sister Chaska's rosary beads found embedded in her neck. After the assault the other nun--who, as a sexual assault victim, remains unnamed--returned to her hotel and instructed the night clerk to call the police, who sped the 52-year-old sister to Klamath Falls' Merle West Medical Center. Before her release, she helped police construct a sketch of the assailant, who was recognized and apprehended within 16 hours. As it stands, Maximiliano Esparza has been charged with 16 crimes, including aggravated murder, attempted murder, rape, sodomy, assault, and kidnapping. But beyond earthly justice the questions remain: What kind of sick fuck brutally rapes two nuns, then strangles one to death with her own goddamn rosary beads? And what kind of sick fuck allows such things to happen to two of His most devoted children? "They certainly didn't have any money," the slain woman's brother Jim Chaska told the Seattle P-I, acknowledging the bitter fact that "my sister probably would have offered this man anything just to help him in any way." As for the Greater Meaning of the tragedy: "We don't understand why what happened happened," said the surviving sister to the Oregonian. "But it's all in His plan. Whatever His reason, we'll know in eternity. It's so hard for us on Earth to fathom these things." Meanwhile, elsewhere on Earth, Klamath County District Attorney Ed Caleb announced his intent to punish Maximiliano Esparza with the death penalty. Stay tuned.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 In much briefer news, today the Seattle City Council approved a new ordinance allowing busted johns to avoid criminal prosecution for solicitation by paying a $500 fine and attending a pretrial diversion program to curb their hunger for ho's. (We're aware our apostrophe is incorrect, but "hos" just looked wrong.) Devised by City Attorney Tom Carr and introduced by council member Jim Compton, the new ordinance was praised by its creators as "a compassionate piece of legislation" that is expected to raise close to $50,000 this year and $100,000 in the future, with proceeds funding treatment and support programs for prostitutes.
··In other good legal news: Today a Canadian parliamentary committee called for the decriminalization of marijuana use among adults. The Associated Press reports that the Special Senate Committee on Illegal Drugs has urged Canada to regulate pot as it does alcohol, and to expunge criminal records for marijuana possession. "Scientific evidence overwhelmingly indicates that cannabis is substantially less harmful than alcohol," said Senator Pierre Nolin, chairman of the Senate committee. "[It] should be treated not as a criminal issue but as a social and public health issue."

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Speaking of drugs: Today Courvoisier Carpenter, the 21-year-old Seattle man who allegedly turned a hijacked Metro bus into a rampaging weapon of destruction last week, was charged with two counts of felony vehicular assault, two counts of felony hit-and-run, and one count of felony stealing a bus. Asked to explain his motive, Carpenter told King County prosecutors, "It was the sherm," referring to the chemical trend among idiots of smoking cigarettes dipped in PCP and/or embalming fluid. On a good day, "sherm" causes users to experience tingly feelings and entertaining hallucinations; on a bad day, it turns them into violently paranoid busjackers. For Carpenter, it was apparently the latter; if convicted of today's charges, he could face up to 10 years in prison.
··Also today: After a diabolically cruel final round, in which the two remaining American Idol contenders were forced to sing the world's crappiest songs, tonight the American public wisely selected the talented Texas chipmunk Kelly Clarkson as the one and only American Idol®. Meanwhile, Last Days selected the previously rejected Ryan Starr and Nikki McKibbin as the contestants most likely to appear in Playboy by the end of the year.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Speaking of addictive trash: Today the Seattle Post- Intelligencer reported on the hot new treats spicing up gullets at this year's Puyallup Fair--deep-fried Twinkies. Devised by carnie brothers Clint and Rocky Mullen, the deep-fried delicacies debuted at last month's California State Fair, where attendees gobbled down 3,000 fried Twinkies in three days. "This is the hottest ticket out there right now," says brother Clint. "We're just flat amazed."

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 6; SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7; SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 Nothing happened on any of these days.

Hey waiters!We want your anonymous rants, horror stories, and funny anecdotes about waiting tables for our upcoming Food Issue. Send your restaurant tales to waiter@thestranger.com. (And send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.)