MONDAY, MARCH 16 This week of incarcerated shysters, satanic interventions, and deadly papal ignorance kicks off in Louisiana, where hardcore drugs and softcore performance art combined to create one oddball arrest. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports that the saga commenced last Thursday, when workers at a construction site called police to report a man crawling around on his hands and knees and growling like a dog. Cops arrived to find the trespassing growler—a 32-year-old Texas man—in possession of a half-pound of marijuana, a quarter-ounce of crack cocaine, and a small bottle of PCP, for which he was arrested and booked into jail on a variety of drug charges. As the AP reports, "A woman who accompanied the man from Texas told investigators he had been wandering around the complex and eating dog food." The unlucky dog remains jailed and uneuthanized.

TUESDAY, MARCH 17 Speaking of people who should be locked up: Today, Pope Benedict XVI cemented his status as a dangerous psychopath by traveling to Africa to urge the continent's citizens to stop using condoms. Details come from the London Times, which reports the pope spoke to reporters en route to Cameroon and "declared that condoms were not a solution to the AIDS epidemic, but were instead part of the problem." The Vatican's preferred replacement for the evil condom: chastity outside marriage and fidelity within it, which the pope hailed as "the only sure way of preventing the spread of HIV and AIDS." (Terrifying fact from the Times: Africa is the continent where the Catholic Church is growing the fastest.) Thankfully, the pope's dangerous babblings will be most eloquently denounced tomorrow by the entire international medical community. "My reaction is that this represents a major step backward in terms of global health education, is entirely counterproductive, and is likely to lead to increases in HIV infection in Africa and elsewhere," said Quentin Sattentau, professor of immunology at Britain's Oxford University, to Reuters. "There is a large body of published evidence demonstrating that condom use reduces the risk of acquiring HIV infection, but does not lead to increased sexual activity." As the New York Times put it, the pope "deserves no credence when he distorts scientific findings" about condoms. Here's hoping some enterprising lawyer is working on manslaughter charges against the pope as we type this.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18 Speaking of the devil: The week continues with the devil, who took time out of his busy pitchforking schedule to drive a woman in Arlington, Washington, to allegedly steal more than $73,000 from her church. Details come from the Seattle Times, which reports 62-year-old Collen R. Okeson worked as an administrative assistant at Arlington Free Methodist Church until she was allegedly caught forging the pastor's signature on at least 80 church checks. Charged with theft today in Snohomish County Superior Court, Ms. Okeson previously told investigators she guessed "Satan had a big part in the theft" and that she used the money to cover household expenses. Dear Satan: If you exist, please devote yourself to tasks more diabolical than driving elderly churchgoers to steal grocery money. Thank you.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19 Today brings a glorious bit of business from the Obama administration, which announced its intent to endorse the United Nations General Assembly declaration calling for the decriminalization of homosexuality. History buffs might remember this U.N. declaration from last December, when the Bush administration refused to endorse it. (Juh?) But as U.S. State Department spokesman Robert Wood said today, the U.S. "is pleased to join the other 66 U.N. member states who have declared their support of the statement that condemns human-rights violations based on sexual orientation and gender identity wherever they occur." Wood added that the U.N. declaration is consistent with the U.S.'s commitment to being an outspoken defender of human rights. The unnamed targets of the non-legally-binding U.N. proclamation: the more than 85 countries where homosexuality is still outlawed, including those Islamic states (Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Yemen, others) where homosexuality is punishable by death. Fun fact #1: U.S. support of the U.N. declaration will be denounced most vociferously by Islamic states and the Vatican. Fun fact #2: The Obama administration's support of the worldwide decriminalization of homosexuality will be completely overshadowed by Obama's appearance this evening on The Tonight Show, where the president will attempt to disparage his limited bowling skills by comparing himself to the Special Olympics, an unwise wisecrack destined to die in that lonely place where would-be charming self-denigration turns into actual denigration of someone else.

FRIDAY, MARCH 20 Nothing happened today, unless you count the rejection of billion-dollar Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff's request to be moved from jail to house arrest while awaiting his June 11 sentencing for securities fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, money laundering, and perjury. As ABC News reports, Madoff's lawyer argued that his client should be transferred from lower Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional Center to his $7 million Upper East Side penthouse, as Madoff had cooperated with the terms of his previous house arrest, turned in his passport, and was not a flight risk. But as Assistant U.S. Attorney Marc Litt argued, Madoff "has a history of deception" that merits his continued detention. The three-judge panel agreed, and Madoff will remain behind bars. He faces a 150-year sentence.

SATURDAY, MARCH 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count news of the hate-crime charges filed against Abdiazzizi Idris, the Seattle man accused of harassing, assaulting, and hurling "a gay epithet" at a fellow passenger onboard a Metro bus earlier this month. Idris remains jailed in lieu of $50,000 bail.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22 The week ends with an update on one of the worst stories Last Days has had to report yet: the death of Ed McMichael, the 53-year-old musician best known as Seattle's "Tuba Man," who faithfully blew his horn outside countless Seattle sporting and arts events until last October, when he was attacked and beaten by a group of teens near Seattle Center, with injuries sustained in the attack ultimately proving fatal. Adding insult: "Almost five months after Seattle's beloved 'Tuba Man' died from a street beating by marauding teens, no one has been charged in his slaying," reports the Seattle Times' Bob Young. "Two teens were initially charged with assaulting McMichael. But after he died, the assault charges were dropped with expectation that a homicide investigation would lead to more serious charges. But the boys have not been charged in connection with McMichael's slaying." Contacted by Young, the Seattle Police Department declined to comment, classifying the ongoing investigation as "a high priority" that is "going to require more time."

Killing the Tuba Man is a hate crime against life, and we hope God sees fit to arrange things so his killers are brought to justice. Also, He should make it rain Percocet. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.