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Last Days

The Week in Review

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GOD

MONDAY, OCTOBER 7 The week begins with a thrilling retort to a previous Hot Tip. Readers will recall the recent item sent in by Hot Tipper Sean, who was loitering near the corner of James and Broadway two weeks ago when he saw a male-female couple get out of a car and retire to an apartment, where the sexy pair promptly got down to making big noisy love. "The blinds are rattling, furniture's moving, and the girl is just letting loose," wrote Sean, who nicknamed the lucky lady "the Perfect Girl," due to her habit of repeatedly crowing "Perfect!" during the act of love. As our earlier item attested, Sean's flattering moniker proved short-lived, as two nights later, Sean saw his Perfect Girl "sucking tongue on a different dude at the goddamn B&O." Well, today Last Days received word from none other than the Perfect Girl herself, who wrote to blast Sean for tattling and to clarify Last Days' interpretation of the events that made her Seattle's anonymous celebrity du jour. "I'm the perfect girl, I really am," wrote the Perfect Girl. "And I'm pretty fucking pissed at this Sean jerk for ratting me out. If either of those guys had been my boyfriend, I'd be doing some serious apologizing right now." As for Last Days' offer of congratulations for the Perfect Girl's "streak of good luck and/or sexual compulsion," the Perfect Girl writes, "It was definitely a streak of good luck. I'm far too lazy to be sexually compulsive." Thanks to the Perfect Girl for setting things straight.


TUESDAY, OCTOBER 8
Today brought the publication of a fascinating Seattle Times story about the battle over free speech, separation of church and state, and the very existence of God playing out in front of the Redmond Regional Library.* The saga began two years ago, when Issaquah resident Matthew J. Barry noticed that a number of memorial tiles in front of the Redmond library bore pro-Christian messages such as "God Can Change Life." A longtime proponent of the separation of church and state, Mr. Barry contacted the King County Library System, who informed him that library grounds serve as a public forum, where the county is unable to restrict speech. So Mr. Barry contacted the Friends of the Redmond Library, the nonprofit group responsible for selling the six-by-six-inch memorial tiles. Upon learning of the Friends' hands-off approach to content on the memorial tiles, Barry bought four, emblazoning them with such Christianity-countering slogans as "Jehovah, Allah, Zeus, Thor, & Brahma. They're All Myths," "Evolution is a Fact. Read About It," and our favorite, "God Kills Babies. Read 1 Samuel 15:3. And God Is Love?" Writing about his protest-by-engraving in the Freedom From Religion Foundation's newspaper, Barry said he never would've dreamed of placing such inscriptions on a library's grounds under normal circumstances. "However," wrote Barry, "if Christians (or any other religious folks) decide to shove their religion down my throat, and if the government facilitates their efforts, then I'm going to play ball, too. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." As complaints about Barry's contentious tiles rolled in--mostly from well-meaning citizens perturbed at having a beloved family member's memorial placed so near a reference to murdered babies--the county placed a disclaimer plaque on the library wall that read, "The views expressed on the tiles are those of the sponsors, not the King County Library System." But news of the free-speech battle continued to spread, with the Friends of the Redmond Library besieged by so many requests for vulgar inscriptions that they pulled the plug on the entire memorial-tile fundraiser last month, leaving hundreds of blank tiles unsold. As for Barry's now-legendary "God Kills Babies" inscription, the Friends are considering moving the high-octane tile away from its more benign neighbors. Stay tuned.

*News agencies love to report misdeeds occurring in or around libraries, hoping the Madonna-Sodom dichotomy of innocent libraries and criminal sin will give their stories extra oomph. Don't be fooled. Libraries are far from the rarefied cathedrals of secular humanism they pretend to be, while librarians are the shadiest creatures this side of the Russian mob. Scratch the adamantly bland demeanor of any librarian and you'll find trails of broken hearts, bathtubs full of meth fixings, and covert careers in porn. You can't even get a job interview at a library unless you've gone to jail twice. Trust us, and beware.


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9
The week continues with a disgusting Hot Tip from Hot Tipper Wanda, who had just finished lunching at Ha Na on Broadway when she saw two young women--"pierced, with bad makeup"--walking down the street before her. "One of the girls told her friend to wait for her," writes Wanda. "She then proceeded to vomit on the side of a tree. And not just a little puke--an enormous amount, so much that I was afraid she'd pass out in it." Wanda's concern grew as the sickly miss walked a few steps, then puked anew all over another tree. "I don't know what that girl ate," Wanda writes, "but I feel really sorry for those trees." Thanks to Wanda for sharing, and our condolences to those unfortunate outdoor Vivace patrons forced to watch Pukahontas in action.


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 10
In other tree news: Today the Associated Press reported the story of the unidentified male environmentalist in Corralitos, California, who died after falling out of a giant redwood tree in which he had been living for several weeks.


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11
It's official: After days of "solemn debate" in both the House and the Senate, today the U.S. Congress approved a resolution authorizing President Bush to use military force in compelling Iraq to get rid of its biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons. "The days of Iraq acting as an outlaw state are coming to an end," said President Bush to the Associated Press. (And the days of the United States acting as a heroic world power under the guidance of the least trustworthy leader in our nation's history have just begun, says Last Days to you.)


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 12
Nothing happened today (unless you count the second anniversary of the bombing of the USS Cole in the Gulf of Aden, an al Qaeda-linked atrocity commemorated and perpetuated tonight in Indonesia, where an exploding car-bomb ripped through a Bali nightclub, killing at least 188 people and injuring at least 300 more).


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 13
Speaking of violence and nightclubs: Today Last Days received a voluminous Hot Tip from Hot Tipper Nick, detailing the shit that went down just after 2:00 this morning on the street outside the popular gay nightspot R Place. In a walloping 1,300-word e-mail, Nick gave us a blow-by-blow of the brawl that embroiled upwards of 15 participants and eventually summoned a half-dozen wailing police cars. Long story short: After a pair of bickering patrons--described by Nick as a twentysomething light-skinned black man and thirtysomething pale-skinned white woman--were booted out of R Place, they started fighting, eventually instigating a rumble between the man's and woman's respective friends. Sadly, space limitations require us to excise 98 percent of Nick's colorful commentary, not to mention his extravagantly detailed sartorial critiques of each and every one of the rumble's main participants. Apologies to our readers, and our thanks to Nick.

Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.

 

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