MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18 The week kicks off with a fascinating story about a would-be Nazi wonder drug. Today the German magazine Focus shed some revelatory light on Adolf Hitler's attempts in 1944 to develop a performance- enhancing "wonder drug" to give battle-weary Nazi soldiers superhuman fighting powers. According to crime researcher Wolf Kemper, the Nazi power pill (code-named D-IX) contained a mixture of cocaine, the amphetamine pervitin, and a morphine-related painkiller--which sounds like the greatest thing ever. Sadly, the only people given the drug were prisoners at the Sachsenhausen concentration camp, who were reportedly able to march 55 miles without a rest with 44-pound packs on their backs and D-IX in their systems. Thrilled with the results, Nazi doctors prepared to pump their crumbling troops full of D-IX, but were unable to mass-produce the pills before the goose-stepping bastards lost the war. Last Days thanks Focus for their insightful exposé, and looks forward to the Partnership for a Drug-Free America's forthcoming ad campaign, "Only Nazis Smoke Pot."
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Speaking of drugs: Today the box in which John Lennon stored his beloved drugs hit the block at London auction house Cooper Owen. Described as an ornate, barrel-shaped box covered in leather and decorated with Middle Eastern-style pipes, Lennon's stash box (used during the '60s to hide his pot 'n' pills from his Surrey housekeepers) was expected to fetch up to $40,000. Unfortunately, the highest bid was $23,700--way short of the booty box's $39,500 reserve price--so the treasure returned home with Yoko. However, several Lennon items (a recorded phone conversation between the Beatles and the Beach Boys in 1964, a print of that creepy photo of John's shattered, bloody eyeglasses) did bring top-dollar bids, as did a guitar once owned, played, and undoubtedly humped by Prince during his 1984-'85 Purple Rain tour; the instrument went for a whopping £12,000 (roughly $39). (Confidential to Michael "Scab Nose" Jackson: For a role model in functional celebrity psychosis, observe Prince, who's managed to be as crazy as a crack whore without obliterating his musical vision or value. He does this simply by adhering to a basic code: Release at least one undeniably brilliant album every seven to 10 years, disappear now and then, and only get sexy with adults. And please--never dangle an infant over a railing again.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Today in Kaduna, Nigeria, a bloodthirsty mob of Muslims responded to a controversial article in Nigeria's ThisDay newspaper by burning ThisDay's offices to the ground. In the offending article, writer Isioma Daniel dismissed Muslim denunciations of the Nigeria-based Miss World pageant by suggesting that the prophet Muhammad would have happily selected a wife from among the pageant's bathing-beauty contestants, thus inspiring the aforementioned torching and the bloody Christian backlash against the aforementioned Muslims, eventually leading to five days of deadly rioting that resulted in the deaths of over 200 people, as well as the relocation of the Miss World pageant to London.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21 Today brought a mind-boggling story of sausage, spankings, and sex for hire from Hot Tipper Josh, who was idling in the drive-through at a popular fast-food establishment last Sunday morning when he overheard the man in the car ahead of his loudly ordering a whole bunch of breakfast sandwiches. "I heard him yell the word 'sausage' over and over," says Josh, who ordered some French toast sticks and then pulled into the parking lot for some shame-free car-scarfing. However, parked next to Josh was the aforementioned sausage man, who Josh could now see was in the company of an older, trashy-looking lady who Josh guessed was a hooker. Josh's suspicions were confirmed as the man gobbled one sausage sandwich after another--all the while spanking the scabby ho, whose head bobbed up and down in his lap. "It was gross," says Josh, who nevertheless managed to eat every one of his French toast sticks while watching the suck'n'spank sausage slam. Thanks to Josh (and the sausage man) for sharing.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Readers will recall last week's kiddie-porn corral, in which government agents busted Pee-wee Herman and Ferris Bueller's principal for alleged possession of child pornography, and arrested a prominent Northwest businessman for allegedly trying to buy sex with a 12-year-old. This week, sting operators had it easy, as an alleged kiddie-porn purveyor accidentally incriminated himself by displaying child pornography during a computer slide presentation at work. Today the Associated Press offered details on the hilarious case of James Smith, the North Texas businessman (and Baptist pastor) charged with two counts of possessing child pornography following the aforementioned flub on September 4. According to Smith's coworkers at the logistics company Exel Inc., Smith had just completed a PowerPoint presentation when he opened another document on his laptop--and projected the image of a naked young boy onto the conference-room wall. Smith initially blamed the image's appearance on a computer virus, but Exel officials weren't buying it. After canning Smith, Exel officials conducted a search of his company-owned laptop, promptly discovering an e-mail file loaded with kiddie porn, as well as a stack of 65 printed pages of child pornography in Smith's desk. The AP reports that James Smith (a married father of two) has been taken to Mansfield Jail under $300,000 bond, and has resigned as pastor of Landmark Baptist Church.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Speaking of sexy, sexy children: Today Pennsylvania's Patriot-News reported the unfortunate story of an alleged sex act performed by two kindergartners in an elementary school classroom. According to Harrisburg city authorities, the incident--in which a five-year-old girl allegedly performed oral sex on one of her male classmates--took place in a classroom at Melrose Elementary School on November 15. School officials learned of the incident after a classmate told her mother about witnessing the act. The mom told the school, the school told the cops, and the cops investigated. Because of the age and apparently mutual consent of the alleged participants, Harrisburg police have turned the matter over to county social service organizations. "Children and youth services will be investigating the matter," said city spokesperson Randy King to the Patriot-News, adding with elegant understatement, "Children of this age who engage in such conduct don't necessarily get this from television."
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24 The week closes with a soul-cleansing story of love, lust, and fear from the hills of Queen Anne. That's where Hot Tipper Brad was sleeping alongside his boyfriend Tim when they simultaneously awoke at a quarter to four and began fooling around. "It was dreamy," writes Brad. "Unfortunately, we'd fallen asleep with the TV on, and just as we were getting into it, the opening credits for Mama's Family came on." Rightfully repulsed by the idea of making sweet, sweet love in the same room as Vicki Lawrence's faux- elderly "Mama" (but too preoccupied to change the channel or turn off the TV), Brad and Tim wordlessly committed themselves to finishing their tryst before the commercial break ended and Mama's Family began. "It was a race to the finish line," reports Brad. "Thankfully, we made it." Thanks to Brad for sharing, and to Mama's Family for providing such potent motivation.