MONDAY, DECEMBER 25 This week of malicious castration, deployed royalty, and unpremeditated assault by a dolphin kicks off today with the birth of a Christian prince and the death of a pop-music god. Happy birthday to Jesus, who would've turned 2,005 today if his father hadn't felt the need to murder him for our edification. And R.I.P. James Brown, whose life, death, and legacy Last Days will commemorate on Thursday. For now, we'll share the hideous Christmas statistic reported by the Associated Press, which today confirmed that the death toll in the ongoing war in Iraq—where 2,978 members of the U.S. military have been killed since March 2003—has surpassed that of 9/11, when 2,973 people were killed in New York, Pennsylvania, and Washington, D.C.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26 In lighter news: Today in North Carolina, a woman was arrested on charges of "malicious castration" after allegedly yanking the fuck out of a man's wang at a Christmas party. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the would-be wang yank went down early this morning at a party in the town of Lillington, where a trio of friends—described by police as "heavily intoxicated"—became embroiled in a vicious dispute. After receiving a report of a domestic disturbance, cops arrived to find a "bloody scene" and a 38-year-old man with a grievously wounded lap. "All we can tell you is that the injury was done with hands," said Police Chief Frank Powers to the AP. "I believe he needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage." Arrested at the scene: 34-year-old Rebecca Arnold Dawson, who was charged with the aforementioned "malicious castration," defined by North Carolina law as "cutting off, maiming, or disfiguring a person's genitals with the intent to hurt or render the victim impotent."

••In other urban-legend-worthy news: Today in New Zealand, a 27-year-old woman was seriously injured after being hit by a leaping dolphin. According to the New Zealand Press Association, the woman was sitting in the bow of a small pleasure craft this afternoon in the Bay of Plenty when the dolphin leapt out of the water and plowed into the woman. And while the dolphin swam off unharmed, the lady wasn't so lucky, suffering a number of serious injuries. She remains in intensive care in Auckland.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27 Speaking of people who may die for idiotic reasons: Today London's Daily Telegraph announced that Prince Harry is going to Iraq, where the 22-year-old prince will serve as a second lieutenant in command of 11 men and four light tanks near the southern port city of Basra. With his deployment scheduled for May, Prince Harry is reportedly determined to go, despite the concerns of his military peers, who fear the young royal might make an irresistibly sexy target for terrorists, attracting a level of attention that could endanger many more than just the insistent prince. For now, the Telegraph reports, "Officials are trying to figure out how to minimize the danger without giving Harry special treatment." Stay tuned for updates on the deployment on Harry, who, if he's unlucky, could put a handsomely gap-toothed face on the ongoing tragedy in Iraq.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28 The week continues with the promised commemoration of the life, death, and legacy of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul/Edison of Rhythm/Babydaddy-Babymama-Funky-Doula of Hiphop who died Christmas morning at age 73, and whose body was laid out today at New York City's Apollo Theater. Thanks to a well-timed trip to NYC, Last Days was able to check out the scene at the Apollo firsthand, and it was amazing. We arrived late in the game, around 7:30 p.m., when only 30 minutes remained in the scheduled showing time. Still, there was a tremendous crowd—thousands of people—lined up along several long blocks hoping to get in. Would James Brown—in death as in life—prove himself the hardest-working man in showbiz and stay on the Apollo stage until every last fan was satisfied? Or was the 8:00 p.m. deadline set in stone, and all the cops on hand to make sure the disappointed crowd dispersed peacefully? Whatever the case, the crowd was fascinating—lots of families in fancy funeral dress, a rainbow of hipsters young and old, and numerous crusty old dudes reminiscing about James Brown B-sides. Finally, we came upon someone addressing the crowd: James Brown's sister, whose first name we didn't catch, and who was working her way down the line addressing groups of 50 or so at a time. The gist of her address: Due to another showing scheduled the next day in Georgia, the Apollo showing would indeed have to cease at 8:00 p.m., leaving thousands of people standing on line for naught. "James loves every one of you," she said with tears in her eyes. "The whole family is so grateful to you for coming out tonight." The crowd of addressees we heard answered back sweetly, calling out, "Don't you worry about it" and "God bless you," and she likely found similarly sympathetic audiences as she worked her way down the line. As for the man of the week (fuck you, Gerald Ford): Sure, he never met a wife he couldn't beat, but James Brown's artistic achievements are monumental, and for a final summation we turn to the eloquent Little Richard. "He was an innovator, he was an emancipator, he was an originator," said Brown's longtime friend to MSNBC. "Rap music, all that stuff came from James Brown. A great treasure is gone."

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29 Nothing happened today, and so we'll share a collection of the psychic predictions for 2007 featured in today's New York Post. First at bat is psychic Paula Roberts, whose premonitions range from the political (presidential win for Hillary in '08, with veep John Edwards) to the agricultural (record-breaking corn harvest in Kansas!). For celebrity psychosis, the Post consults "Psychic to the Stars" John Cohan, whose skills as a psychic are matched only by his prowess as a punctuator. "Kevin 'The Insect' Federline takes up with Lindsay Lohan???! Make a baby together???! Charlie Sheen and Pam Anderson find one another???! The hot affair lasts six months???! Sienna Miller and a famous married movie actor do what comes natcherly???" Thanks to Post gossip-queen Cindy Adams for unearthing and sharing these psychic nuggets, and for the record, Last Days would totally cook and eat a baby produced by Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Federline if it guaranteed Hillary taking the White House in 2008.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30 Nothing happened today, unless you count the execution of Saddam Hussein, the 69-year-old former dictator of Iraq who was hanged by his neck this morning in northern Baghdad, fulfilling the death sentence Saddam received for the killings of 148 men and boys in the northern town of Dujail in 1982.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 31 The week ends with the last damn day of 2006, an extraordinary year marked by plate-shifting elections, media revolutions, racist celebrity rants, famous labia, and unequivocal evidence of global warming. Onward, upward, and out of Iraq, please.

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