MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27 Hello! Are you sitting somewhere comfortable as you read this? Is it a bar? If so, order a double. The week kicks off in Chardon, Ohio, where this morning a teenage boy in a high school cafeteria went on a fatal gun rampage. The horror unfolded around 7:30 a.m. in the cafeteria of Chardon High School, where students were eating breakfast before first period when a boy stood up and started shooting with a .22 caliber pistol. Details come from the Cleveland Plain Dealer, which reports school surveillance video shows the gunman shooting three male students in the back of their head, with a total of six students shot before the gunman was chased outside by a heroic teacher and apprehended by police. Identified as 17-year-old Thomas "T.J." Lane, the suspected shooter will later this week be charged with three counts of aggravated murder, two counts of attempted murder, and one count of felonious assault. But what matters are the kids allegedly killed by this twisted little fuck. They were identified as 16-year-old Daniel Parmertor, 17-year-old Russell King Jr., and 16-year-old Demetrius Hewlin. (The three others wounded in the shooting are expected to survive.) Deep condolences to all, and great thanks to Frank Hall, the teacher and coach who charged the gunman and chased him out of the school. "Coach Hall, he always talks about how much he cares about us students, his team and everyone," Chardon High School student Neil Thomas told CNN. "Today he really went out and he proved how much he cared about us. He would take a bullet for us."

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28 In lighter news, a North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank gasoline, then lit a cigarette. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the deceased as Gary Banning, a 43-year-old man in the town of Havelock. "Banning was at a friend's apartment when he apparently mistook a jar of gasoline sitting by the kitchen sink for a beverage," reports the AP. "After taking a gulp, he spit the gas out and got some on his clothes. Sometime later, investigators say Banning went outside to smoke a cigarette and burst into flames." Follow-up reports will specify that the jar of gasoline sitting by the kitchen sink was placed there by the homeowner, a professional mechanic who used it to clean grease from his hands. After being transported last night to a Chapel Hill burn center, Banning died early this morning. Again, condolences to all.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 29 In lighter news, the week continues in Philadelphia, where tonight police raided what they called an illegal silicone-injection "pumping party" hosted by Padge-Victoria Windslowe, the 42-year-old "Black Madam" connected to a number of shady butt injections. "Windslowe is under investigation for a botched butt-enhancement procedure on 20-year-old... Claudia Aderotimi at the Hampton Inn near Philadelphia International Airport in February 2011," reports NBC. "Aderotimi died after the procedure was performed." Windslowe has not been charged in connection with Aderotimi's death, but she's under investigation for another alleged illicit enhancement, this one involving a young woman who got silicone injected into her butt and wound up unable to breathe and vomiting blood (she's since recovered). Which brings us to tonight, when Philadelphia police got a tip that Windslowe was set to appear at a butt-enhancing house party and raided the place, confiscating syringes, silicone, and "crazy glue to close up the injection wounds," after which they arrested Windslowe on charges of aggravated assault, simple assault, and deceptive business practices. Condolences to none!

THURSDAY, MARCH 1 The week continues with a banner day in judicial history, as today Judge Richard Cebull, Montana's chief federal judge, became the first federal judge in history to write a letter to the president apologizing for suggesting the president's mother had sexual relations with a dog. "An appellate court will conduct a judicial misconduct review of [Judge Cebull], who sent an e-mail to friends that contained a racist joke involving bestiality and President Barack Obama's mother," reports the Associated Press, noting that Judge Cebull's history-making apology of today hasn't stopped calls for his resignation.

•• In worse news, today also brings another high school killing, this one in Chicago, where 17-year-old Christian Gonzalez faces charges of murder and attempted murder after allegedly stabbing a fellow student to death and wounding another during a knife attack this morning at a Southeast Side high school.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2 Speaking of terrifying kids, the week continues with Whitney Purvis, a young woman who became famous by starring in the MTV reality show 16 and Pregnant in 2009. Now 20, Purvis was arrested yesterday in Georgia, where police say she shoplifted a pregnancy test from Walmart and used it in the store. "According to the police report, the 20-year-old MTV star stashed a First Response pregnancy test in a hooded jacket... and then 'took it to the restroom with her and used one,'" reports TMZ. "Purvis allegedly tried to sneak out of the store through a side door, but she was busted by store security, who put her under citizen's arrest and called local police. According to the report, the pregnancy test was valued at $15.98." Purvis was charged with misdemeanor theft by shoplifting.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3 Nothing happened today, unless you count the massive thunderstorms that resulted in dozens of tornadoes rampaging across Alabama, Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio, crushing homes, tossing buses and tractor-trailers, and killing at least 32 people, according to today's preliminary count. By Monday, the total will have risen to 39, one of which will be a baby found (alive, for a while) in a field 10 miles from her home.

•• Meanwhile in Syria, government forces were said to be hunting down and killing insurgents in the city of Homs, with the bloodletting vast enough to inspire calls for the United States to bomb the region from such venerable senators as John "I'm to blame for Sarah Palin" McCain. Stay tuned.

SUNDAY, MARCH 4 If there's one thing meth addicts love (besides meth), it's metal—old copper wire, new aluminum bike frames—that can be sold as scrap to fund the purchase of more meth. So props to the meth heads who are undoubtedly behind the theft of a 400-pound bronze elephant statue last seen decorating the lawn of a home in Garland, Texas. "He was well-loved," said bronze elephant owner/thievery victim Beverly Darnell to ABC News. "There's a $500 reward, so they can use that to go toward their own elephant. But we want ours back."

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