MONDAY, APRIL 2 This week of progressive business, suicidal protest, and the effed-up priorities of the Catholic Church kicks off at the intersection of doughnuts and fatal stabbings. Details come from KIRO, which reports Seattle police were called to Aurora Avenue North late this afternoon to the parking lot near the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. "The focus of their attention was an SUV with a very large blood stain smeared on the driver's side and onto the parking lot," reports KIRO. "The owner of the truck, a 54-year-old man from Mountlake Terrace who was a registered nurse, had fallen unconscious outside the truck after a woman stabbed him during an argument." Following the stabbing, the woman fled the scene, with police tracking her to the parking lot of a nearby motel, where the still-knife-wielding woman was arrested. As for the stabbing victim: He was given CPR while en route to Harborview but was soon pronounced dead. On Thursday, King County prosecutors will charge Karen R. Latham, a homeless woman, with second-degree murder, contending that Latham stabbed her victim once in the chest after he refused to give her more than $5 to spend at a nearby Jack in the Box, reports Seattlepi.com.
•• Meanwhile in Oakland, some freak with a gun went on a deadly rampage on the campus of a college catering to the Korean American Christian community, killing seven people and wounding three more. The day after tomorrow, One Goh, a 43-year-old former student of the university, will be charged with seven counts of murder, for which he could receive the death penalty.
TUESDAY, APRIL 3 In lighter news, the week continues with an event Last Days has been anxiously awaiting for a decade, wherein we take a slightly-larger-than-normal bong hit, then watch someone pretend to be Dan Savage on TV. Our hunger for potty Savage gawkery has been extant since the late '90s, when the first of what would be a few stalled attempts to bring Savage's memoir The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant to the screen got under way, instigating the requisite starstruck nattering and betting pool on who should play whom (Jason Biggs or some Arquette for Dan, no one but Claire Danes for Terry). Alas, the TV adaptation/development industry is a flaky mistress, and it wasn't until this very night that Last Days got to live the dream of watching someone act like Dan Savage on TV, as the new series Savage U premiered on MTV. Even better, Dan Savage was played by Dan Savage, who spends his time onscreen in the docu-reality series doing what he does normally: traveling to colleges to talk about sex, having boisterous and illuminating Q&A sessions with auditoriums full of college students, and being hilariously eloquent on issues that have tangled human brains since Adam banged Eve. Among the delights of tonight's premier episode: Dan imploring a sweet, husky virgin to not let a fear of rejection keep him from ever getting what he wants, then giving a verbal curb job to a heterosexual couple whose preferred method of birth control/STI prevention was to just stick it in and hope for the best. It was everything he's been telling folks about sex and relationships since 1991, gussied up and boiled down for MTV, which shoots it straight into teenagers' brains. Bravo for all.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4 In much worse news, the week continues in Greece, where this morning a 77-year-old man who claimed the country's austerity measures had cut his pension to nothing committed suicide in a crowded public square in Athens. Identified as Dimitris Christoulas, a 77-year-old retired pharmacist who faithfully built up his pension for 35 years, the man reportedly left a note accusing the government of decimating his pension before shooting himself in the midst of this morning's rush hour in Athens's Syntagma Square. A quote from the note, from the BBC: "And since my advanced age does not allow me a way of dynamically reacting... I see no other solution than this dignified end to my life, so I don't find myself fishing through garbage cans for my sustenance."
THURSDAY, APRIL 5 In much better news, the week continues with EA/Electronic Arts, who recently raised a small, stinky ruckus in the nerd universe by including options for LGBT characters in several of its video games, including Mass Effect 3 and Star Wars: The Old Republic. "EA has been inundated in recent weeks with... 'several thousand' letters and e-mails protesting the inclusion of same-sex or LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) content in its video games," reports GamesIndustry International. "When asked, EA confirmed that this has indeed been occurring, and unsurprisingly, EA has no plans to censor any of its games." As Jeff Brown, vice president of EA's corporate communications told GamesIndustry International, "Every one of EA's games includes ESRB content descriptors, so it's hard to believe anyone is surprised by the content. This isn't about protecting children, it's about political harassment."
•• Speaking of which: Two weeks ago, the National Organization for Marriage, enraged by Starbucks' support for marriage equality, called for an international boycott of the company. This week brought the news that since the proposed boycott, Starbucks stock has risen.
FRIDAY, APRIL 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count what will be forever remembered as the Good Friday Miracle of 2012, in which a navy fighter jet crashed into a Virginia Beach apartment complex, destroying three buildings, injuring seven bystanders, and killing no one.
SATURDAY, APRIL 7 Speaking of no one dying, that didn't happen today, thanks to Mike Wallace, the original in-your-face celebrity interrogator and TV personality, who passed away at age 93.
SUNDAY, APRIL 8 The week ends with Easter, the resurrecty holiday beloved by Catholics, who are currently embroiled in (another) world of creepiness thanks to the church's militant opposition to marriage equality. As Seattlepi.com's Joel Connelly informed us on Thursday, "The two bishops of the Catholic Archdiocese of Seattle, in a letter to the faithful, say they will deploy parishes to collect signatures for Referendum 74, a measure for the November ballot designed to roll back same-sex marriage in Washington." This announcement brought a bracing response from gay-and-Catholic state senator Ed Murray, who told Connelly that the bishops' deployment of parishes to gather signatures was "fairly reprehensible." "To use church resources in advancing a measure that promotes discrimination is incredibly disappointing," Murray said. "Here in Olympia, I am watching Republicans press for a budget that takes money from the Disability Lifeline and the emergency food assistance program, yet there is no letter from Catholic bishops or the Catholic Conference stressing the importance of these programs. As I read the Gospels, there is a great deal of talk about the poor, and none about homosexuality." See page 10 to find out what liberal Seattle parishioners are doing to combat their bigoted overlords.
Dear Catholics: Don't let moderately repentant child-rape conspirators turn you into de facto bigots. If signature gathering is brought up in your parish, shout it down and move on. Everyone else, send Hot Tips to email@example.com.