MONDAY, APRIL 9 This week of deadly weather, terrible mothers, and improperly smuggled rocket launchers kicks off in Boston, where this morning police responded to a noise complaint at a Boston University fraternity and found a scene of hazing horror. "Boston police arrived at the Alpha Epsilon Pi home to investigate a report of a party, but when the partygoers fled, cops found five adult men in their underwear with their hands taped behind their backs, kneeling on the basement floor," reports ABC. "The men were covered in chili sauce, coffee grounds, honey, mustard, hot sauce, flour, and empty sardine cans, according to a police report." And while seminaked frat boys taped together and covered with goo may sound like a potentially good time, it was not. "Police said they found the students 'shivering' with 'horrified fearful looks on their faces,'" reports ABC. "The men did not respond when police asked if they were okay, though, according to the police report, one 'victim looked right at [the officer] with tears coming down his face and shook his head from right to left indicating no.'" (According to police reports, the young men were also covered in welts, with parts of their heads shaved.) Tomorrow, all 14 suspects involved in the incident will face criminal complaints of hazing, failure to report hazing, and assault and battery.
TUESDAY, APRIL 10 Speaking of the insane games people play, the week continues in Washington State's Joint Base Lewis- McChord, where five army soldiers are under investigation for smuggling a rocket launcher off base. "Sources said the M72 light anti-tank weapon was armed with a live rocket," reports KING 5. "The weapon is capable of firing a rocket that can penetrate armor nearly one-foot thick. Sources told KING 5 News at least one soldier smuggled the M72 LAW away from Joint Base Lewis-McChord and it was then passed around the other soldiers."
Eventually, one of the soldiers was deployed to Afghanistan, and when his girlfriend discovered the rocket launcher in her closet, she called police. "Investigators expect charges to be filed in US District Court for possession of a military-grade weapon," reports KING 5.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11 The week continues with the long-awaited arrest of George Zimmerman, the 28-year-old neighborhood-watch volunteer in Florida, who was today charged with second-degree murder in the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin.
THURSDAY, APRIL 12 Speaking of people who Last Days thinks should spend the rest of their lives in jail, the week continues with Courtney Love, the gifted polymath/psychopath who's always held a special place in our heart, for a rotating variety of reasons: If it wasn't her shockingly brilliant writing (circa 1994), it was her shockingly impressive acting (circa 1996). Even when she was fucking up, it was easy to cut her some slack, thanks to the whole survived-a-childhood-of-hellish-rejection-then-lost-a-husband-to-suicide thing. But over the past decade, any sympathy one might have for Love over her terrible upbringing was obliterated by her tragic stature as the inflictor of a terrible upbringing, as she routinely appeared to choose hard drugs, media whoring, and even something that looked like volunteer breast-feeding on the streets of New York (google it) over taking care of her preteen-to-teenage daughter. Love's apparent maternal failings reached a new apex last night, when Gawker reported that Love's "private Twitter account" had been accusing 43-year-old Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl (with whom Love seems disturbingly obsessed) of making sexual advances toward her now 19-year-old daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. Grohl responded through his publicist, who e-mailed Gawker: "Unfortunately, Courtney is on another hateful Twitter rant. These new accusations are upsetting, offensive, and absolutely untrue." Grohl's statement was followed by one from Frances Bean herself. "While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn," said Cobain in a statement released to Gawker. "I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother."
FRIDAY, APRIL 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Seattle man—47-year-old Duane E. Starkenburg—sentenced to nearly 10 years in prison for repeatedly planting his face in the buttocks of joggers at a West Seattle park. (The actual charges, Seattlepi.com reports, were second-degree assault and third-degree assault with sexual motivation, but only because felony face placement doesn't legally exist yet.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 14 The week continues in the Midwest, where yesterday brought a warning of potentially "life-threatening weather"—including baseball-sized hail and 70 mile per hour winds—to parts of Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. "We're quite sure [Saturday] will be a very busy and dangerous day in terms of large tornadoes in parts of the central and southern plains," said National Weather Service spokesperson Chris Vaccaro to the Associated Press. "The ingredients are coming together." The equation, according to ABC News: warm, moist airflow from the Gulf of Mexico + "storm system" moving toward the Rockies + differing wind directions in air and on land = multiple-tornado-spawning storms. Tomorrow will bring reports of five deaths—including three children under the age of 10—in Oklahoma. "Frank Hobie and his two daughters, ages 5 and 7, died when a tornado hit their mobile home in Woodward, Oklahoma, overnight," reports ABC. "A few miles away, Darren Juul and a 10-year-old girl died when a tornado hit the home they were in. Along with the five fatalities, 29 people suffering from cuts and bruises to serious injuries were taken to Woodward Regional Hospital."
SUNDAY, APRIL 15 Nothing happened today, unless you count the first non–Easter Sunday service at Seattle-area Catholic churches since Archbishop J. Peter Sartain and the Washington State Catholic Conference asked parishes to participate in the signature-gathering effort to revoke same-sex marriage rights in Washington State. To Last Days' delight, Seattle Catholics aren't blindly following the archdiocese's orders to "do everything you can to uphold the traditional definition of marriage in our state." Instead, reports Reuters, "a handful of Roman Catholic churches in Washington State, whose Catholic governor signed a law allowing gay marriage earlier this year, have refused to circulate a petition endorsed by their archbishop to repeal the law." Two particularly eloquent dissenters: Reverend Michael Ryan of St. James Cathedral, who told parishioners that the church would not take part in the petition drive, as "doing so would prove hurtful and seriously divisive in our community," and Tricia Wittmann-Todd, pastoral life coordinator at St. Mary's Church, who echoed Father Ryan's "hurtful and divisive" claims and added something of her own: "I am particularly concerned about our youth who may be questioning their own sexual identity and need our support at this time in their lives." Bravo, and read more here.
Confidential to Eli Sanders: OH MY GOD!! I am so proud of you and the Pulitzer committee. Everyone else: Send Hot Tips to email@example.com.