From the Mar 20 – Mar 26, 2003 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, MARCH 10 The week begins with a fascinating tale of amateur porn, funky felonies, and inventive justice from the Aggie-packed town of Bryan, Texas. That's where a newly expelled male student of Texas A&M faced sentencing today after pleading guilty to videotaping himself having sex with his unsuspecting girlfriend, then playing the tape for a dozen of his frat brothers. According to the Associated Press, the 21-year-old ex-student was charged under a little-known law that makes it a felony to videotape or photograph people without their consent if the images are "intended for arousal or sexual gratification." Texas authorities learned of the illicit video late last year, when the tape's unwitting female star got wind of her burgeoning porn career and wisely called the cops on her pervy beau. Today in the Brazos County Courthouse, the ex-student was sentenced to five years of probation, 30 days in jail, 250 hours of community service, and hit with a $1,000 fine. Best of all, the amateur porn czar was ordered to take out a half-page ad (cost: $637) in Texas A&M's newspaper, the Battalion, apologizing to his exploited ex-girlfriend and her family, and urging fellow students to avoid "this type of immoral and illegal conduct." Upon today's sentencing, State District Judge Rick Davis dismissed the young felon with a romantic righteousness worthy of Jesus himself: "You've taken something that should be precious between a couple and made it a cheap and ugly thing." (Adding fitting insult to justified injury: the ex-student's jail term began on the same day as his former college's spring break.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 11 After weeks of passionate protest, today the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) announced total victory in its war against Michael Savage, the right-wing radio-nut-turned-TV-host of The Savage Nation, which debuted on MSNBC on March 8. In a relatively gloat-free media release, GLAAD announced the withdrawal of every major advertiser--from Procter & Gamble to Dell Computers--from The Savage Nation, whose host GLAAD has blasted for his "divisive, intolerant diatribes" against "women, people of color, immigrants, and the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community." Following the abrupt desertion of the big-money advertisers, MSNBC has been left to plug the breaks in The Savage Nation with the hilariously bizarre minor sponsors that inevitably swarm around broadcast pariahs (i.e., extended spots for French facelifts and Christian charities, framed by mercilessly repeated plugs for other, better MSNBC shows). As for the show itself, Last Days watched a full 17 minutes of the latest episode, and we were both happily surprised (Savage dissed the Taliban for collapsing walls on homosexuals and drew a reasonable distinction between early- and late-term abortions) and horribly shocked. "Immigration means disease and terrorism," said MSNBC's all-American host with a straight face. (Tragic fact: Unlike certain other hotheaded loudmouths exploiting the name "Savage," Michael Savage's surname is a pseudonym, meant to draw attention away from his real last name, "Wiener." Which explains so much.) Mr. Wiener-Savage has vowed to avenge himself against the "Nazi bastards" determined to bring him down, threatening everything from an anti-defamation lawsuit against GLAAD to a national boycott of the advertisers who deserted his show. Stay tuned.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12 Speaking of crappy television: Tonight brought the premiere of All American Girl, ABC's femme-centric spin on the reality TV/Star Search hybrid, devoted to finding "women who are talented in the worlds of dancing, sports, singing or acting, and with the personality and charisma to stand out from the crowd." Aiming to crown one contestant the titular "All American Girl," the show blasts its stupidity upon arrival: One minute the girls are shown with furrowed brows and #2 pencils laboring over written "intelligence tests," the next minute they're huffing through a variety of "physical challenges" designed to elicit maximum jiggling from the bikini-clad contestants. But all was made right during the talent competition, as a parade of spirited singers and dancers was spiked by the appearance of Venice Monagan, a thin, pretty African American girl whose talent was a self-described "Michael Jackson impersonation." Emerging in Thriller-era shades and wearing a single white glove, Venice klutzily moonwalked across the stage holding a blanketed bundle in her arms, eventually producing a skuzzy teddy bear that she proceeded to dangle over an imaginary balcony. Unfortunately for Venice, one of the show's judges is Suzanne de Passe, the Motown exec credited with discovering the Jackson 5. "I didn't mean to offend anyone," said Venice after her insta-elimination. "That's why I didn't drop it." Dear Venice Monagan: You may not be the All American Girl, but you may be a genius. Please move to Seattle and become Last Days' intern immediately.

··Speaking of the search for the all-American girl: Today brought the long-awaited discovery of a blessedly alive-and-well Elizabeth Smart, the 15-year-old girl kidnapped nine months ago from her Salt Lake City bedroom, found today bewigged and wandering around the Salt Lake suburb of Sandy, Utah. Was she brainwashed? Or is she just another teenage Mormon runaway attracted to Utah's freaky polygamist subculture? God only knows, but next week, Last Days is heading to Salt Lake City to find out some answers, or at least dredge up some fascinating conspiracy theories. Wish us luck.

THURSDAY, MARCH 13 Speaking of Michael Jackson, today a California jury ordered the financially troubled King of Pop to pay $5.3 million to a German concert promoter for backing out of two performances in 1999. Speaking of men who should be kept far away from children, today the FBI charged a former Northwest Airlines steward with assault for allegedly spiking a whiny toddler's apple juice with the anti-anxiety drug Xanax during an August 25 flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.

FRIDAY, MARCH 14 Today brings a yuk-worthy story of poor communication and poorer hygiene from the Naoma apartment building on Seattle's Capitol Hill. According to Hot Tipper Daniel, the saga began when a concerned resident left a note on a fellow resident's door warning of "a gassy smell" emanating from within. Before long, another neighbor saw the note and called 911, resulting in the immediate deployment of three fire trucks, one ambulance, and a gaggle of firefighters armed with axes and oxygen masks to contain the gassy menace. The door-busting firemen soon identified the source of the noxious fumes: an excessively stinky kitty-litter box. Thanks to Daniel and the firefighters, shame on the lazy cat owner.

SATURDAY, MARCH 15 Speaking of deadly stink: Today Reuters reported on the three Kenyan men who died while trying to retrieve a mobile phone from an open-pit latrine. According to Nairobi's Daily Nation, the female owner of the phone offered 1,000 shillings ($13.09) to anyone willing to fish her phone out of the fecal-rich pit. As over half of Kenya's population lives on less than $1 a day, there were numerous takers--but police eventually called off the search after three would-be Samaritans were killed by the "extremely poisonous fumes."

SUNDAY, MARCH 16 Nothing happened today (unless you count Bush-n-Blair's war-mongering meeting in the Azores, and news of the outbreak of the antibiotic-resistant Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome).

God help us all. Everyone else, send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.