MONDAY, JUNE 25 This week of protected foreskins, deadly elements, and a landmark Supreme Court ruling kicks off with a tale of milky crime and purse-based punishment in Palo Alto, California. Details come from NBC, which reports that a woman was walking down Palo Alto's University Avenue when a Range Rover full of teenagers drove by and allegedly threw a milk shake in her face. Then came the boomerang of attempted vengeance: "Authorities said the woman tried to get revenge by throwing her alligator skin purse at the passing vehicle," reports NBC. "A window was open on the Range Rover and the purse landed in the car. The purse had several of the woman's personal items and $2,000 in cash." Authorities are searching for the stylish, cash-packed purse and the alleged milkshake hurlers, who face charges ranging from battery to misappropriation of property.
•• Meanwhile, in Teaneck, New Jersey, an elderly man was arrested this evening after allegedly pulling a gun on a neighbor who farted in his vicinity. Details come from NJ.com, which identifies the alleged gun-puller as 72-year-old Daniel Collins, who admitted to police he'd confronted his neighbor after hearing him fart in their apartment building's hallway, but denied he'd made threats with a gun. "[Collins] consented to a search, and officers recovered a .32 caliber revolver from his vehicle," reports NJ.com. "He was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose, unlawful possession of a firearm, and making terroristic threats."
TUESDAY, JUNE 26 The week continues in Germany, where today the regional court in Cologne outlawed child circumcision, ruling that snipping the foreskin from kids' wangs constitutes "illegal bodily harm," even with the consent of the parents. "In the verdict, the court said that the 'fundamental right of the child to bodily integrity outweighed the fundamental rights of the parents,'" reports the Daily Mail, noting that today's ruling inspired outrage among Germany's Jews and Muslims, both of which consider wang-mangling a sacred rite. Tough poop, said the Cologne court: "A child's body is irreparably and permanently changed by a circumcision," it said in its ruling. "This change contravenes the interests of the child to decide later about his own religious affiliation."
•• Meanwhile: Tonight in Colorado, an already humongous wildfire will double in size, with tomorrow morning bringing reports of 24 square miles of flaming earth forcing the evacuation of more than 32,000 residents. Joining Colorado in this week's extreme-fire-danger club: Utah (where, as of press time, fire has burned roughly 150 square miles), Wyoming (58 square miles), and Montana (323 square miles).
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27 The week continues with updates on two news-making creeps. Creep #1: Rudy Eugene, the 31-year-old Florida man who was fatally shot by cops after he refused to stop eating another man's face. Just prior to the cannibalistic attack, the Associated Press reminds us, witnesses reported seeing Eugene swinging naked from a light pole, with the combination of frenzied nudity and unstoppable face-eating leading many to suspect that Eugene was under the influence of bath salts, the synthetic drug reported to give some users skyrocketing body temperatures and superhuman strength. But as today's report from the Miami-Dade medical examiner confirms, Rudy Eugene was not under the influence of bath salts (or LSD, PCP, cocaine, methamphetamine, or oxycodone), with the only drug found in Eugene's system being marijuana, a fact that instantly transforms this tale of would-be psychotic cannibalism into a still-totally-awful tale of the worst munchies ever. Eugene's victim, who lost much of his face, continues to recover at Jackson Memorial Hospital's Ryder Trauma Center. Creep #2: Shandy Cobane, the Seattle police officer who rocketed to infamy in 2010 after being caught on camera stepping on a suspect and threatening to "beat the fucking Mexican piss" out of him. In response to Cobane's outrageous behavior, the allegedly Mexican-piss-filled Martin Monetti Jr. filed a civil suit against the SPD, claming the department failed to properly train and supervise its officers. Today, Monetti's attorneys announced their client's acceptance of a $150,000 payout to settle the case. Onward.
THURSDAY, JUNE 28 Nothing happened today, unless you count the US Supreme Court ruling upholding President Obama's landmark health-care reform, a progressive-for-the-US decision that thrilled and pissed off equal parts of the country. Ironic heroes of the day: those Obama-haters who claimed that the president's insistence on universal health care coverage would drive them straight to Canada (home to, among other things, universal health care coverage).
FRIDAY, JUNE 29 Speaking of cultural-landscape-changing revelations, today brought news of the forthcoming divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, whose creepy union kicked off in November 2006 with an alleged five-year contract and well-documented couch-jumping, and ends after five and a half years with Holmes filing for divorce from the man who probably did more harm than good to her acting career. (Not everyone escapes marriage to Tom Cruise with Nicole Kidman–level stardom.) Holmes's living, breathing souvenir of the failed union is 6-year-old daughter Suri—Holmes reportedly wants to protect her from the Scientology that seems to have broken her father's brain. As the TomKat prenup was presumably loaded with confidentiality clauses, hopes for a Katie Holmes tell-all are slim—which means we'll have to wait for Suri's. Godspeed.
SATURDAY, JUNE 30 The week continues with more life-threatening weather, today in the eastern United States, where deadly thunderstorms downed power lines in advance of a record heat wave, which people from Indiana to New Jersey today suffered through without air conditioning and everything else requiring electricity. As of today, at least 11 people have died.
SUNDAY, JULY 1 The week ends with a hideous postscript to the whole Penn State sex-abuse scandal, as today CNN reported on alleged e-mails that suggest several Penn State officials knew that assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky had been seen molesting a boy in the college's showers and chose not to report it to police. "CNN does not have the purported e-mails," reports CNN. "However, the alleged contents were read to CNN. The messages indicate former Penn State President Graham Spanier and two other former university officials knew they had a problem with Sandusky after a 2001 shower incident, but apparently first decided to handle it using a 'humane' approach before contacting outside authorities whose job it is to investigate suspected abuse." Tragically, the university officials' "humanity" extended only to Sandusky, with no regard for his victims, of which there were at least four more after Penn State officials allegedly failed to share what they knew of Sandusky's shower behavior with anyone. As for what the formerly heralded and now dead head coach Joe Paterno knew or didn't know: "The purported exchanges began 16 days after graduate assistant Mike McQueary first told Head Coach Joe Paterno on February 9, 2001, that McQueary believed he saw Sandusky make sexual contact with a boy in a locker room shower," reports CNN. "In an exchange of messages from February 26 to February 28, 2001, Spanier allegedly acknowledges Penn State could be 'vulnerable' for not reporting the incident." (For the record, the Penn State officials allegedly involved in the e-mails have consistently maintained they were never informed of Sandusky committing sexual assault, only his engaging in "inappropriate conduct.") Last Days looks forward to all forthcoming civil suits against Penn State, and hopes at least one victim's restitution involves mandatory renaming of campus buildings, including the Sandusky Sex Crime Memorial Locker Room and the Joe Paterno Knew One of His Underlings Raped Me and All I Got Was This Lousy Library.
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