MONDAY, MAY 12

The week began with a $16 million ka-BOOM as Seattle took part in TopOff 2, the United States' first large-scale counterterrorism exercise since September 11, featuring mock bioterrorist attacks on the streets of Chicago and Seattle. Created by the Department of Homeland Security, TopOff 2 (the name's short for "Top Officials"; the first TopOff took place in 2000) involved over 8,500 people from 100 federal, state, and local agencies, all taking orders from Washington, D.C., where today over 80 federal workers gathered in a hotel ballroom to guide the terror-struck cities via phone and laptop. In Seattle, the terror came from a fake radioactive "dirty bomb," detonated just after noon near the old Rainier Brewery on Airport Way South. By all accounts, Seattle's TopOff was something to see, involving a barrage of flaming cars, HAZMAT-suited rescue workers, and local actors portraying everything from mentally challenged terror victims to pushy reporters bombarding officials with troubling questions. Along the way, local authorities received firsthand experience in dealing with everything from a contaminated water supply to radioactive dogs. According to the script, Seattle's mock terror attack resulted in 150 injuries, 20 people "missing" in rubble, and two confirmed deaths. According to the Seattle Times, the 100-plus fake injuries resulted in only two actual injuries, with one emergency worker suffering smoke inhalation and another straining his back. But perhaps the true heroes of TopOff 2 were the Seattle city officials who sent out a reported 70,000 announcements in advance of the fake terror attack, assuring citizens that this was a test, this was only a test. The info-blitz worked--police told the Times they received only a half-dozen 911 calls regarding the faux terror. A full report on TopOff 2's triumphs and failures is due in September.

TUESDAY, MAY 13

In the great tradition of cricket, Morrissey, and World War II, today brings another instance of remarkable British wussiness. Today London's Daily Telegraph shared the tale of the British teenager ordered to pay a policeman $160 for "mental anguish" after the teen drunkenly referred to the policeman as "fat." Reuters reports that officer Jack Montague was on foot patrol when the intoxicated 17-year-old delivered the insult, which British magistrates ruled to be abusive behavior. "Coppers have feelings too," said the five-foot-eight, 196-pound Officer Montague to the Daily Telegraph. "I am not fat at all. If anything, I think I am quite sporty."

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14

Meanwhile in Texas, a pair of CBS-affiliated TV stations in Corpus Christi and Laredo have opted not to air Hitler: The Rise of Evil, CBS' two-part sweeps-week miniseries dramatizing the early life of Adolf Hitler.

"The Nazi concept, if you will, is still very real, and I think anything we do to give that particular thinking a venue is a mistake," said Dale Remy, general manager of Corpus Christi's KZTV, to the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, expressing his concerns that the CBS miniseries could give dangerous ideas to white supremacists and disturbed young people.

In place of Hitler, KZTV will air The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear, the 1991 comedy featuring O. J. Simpson, a brilliant role model for both white supremacists and disturbed young people.

THURSDAY, MAY 15

Speaking of disturbed young people: Today Last Days turns to the tempest in a teacup currently heating up Seattle's Cleveland High School. The saga began back on May 2, when a student in teacher Brian Emanuels' computer-programming class referred to an assignment as "gay." Seizing an opportunity to teach a lesson in cultural sensitivity, Emanuels escorted the African American student into the hallway and inquired how he'd feel if someone called him a nigger. Emanuels then led the student back into the classroom, with the introduction, "I guess the nigger can come back in." From there, all hell broke loose, with parents and the Seattle chapter of the NAACP calling for Brian Emanuels' immediate dismissal. Today, Brian Emanuels came to his own defense, holding a press conference to explain his motives in twice dropping the N-bomb. A 15-year Microsoft employee who came to teaching for humanitarian reasons and selected Cleveland High specifically for its racial diversity, Emanuels predictably attributed his judicious use of hate speech to cultural instruction, in hopes of awakening the student to the professional necessity of watching what you say. (In a follow-up radio interview, Emanuels smartly specified how the student's use of "gay" would have gotten him fired from a variety of workplaces, from Microsoft to Boeing; during today's press conference, Emanuels wisely trotted out his wife, effectively answering the "Did he freak out 'cause he's a fag?" question.) But despite Emanuels' noble intentions, his explanation is lacking, failing to address both the basic discrepancy in the offensive words' wattage ("gay" is nowhere near as violent as "nigger") and the inherent faultiness of Emanuels' original question (to be precise, Emanuels should have asked the student how he'd feel if someone called his computer-programming assignment a nigger). But in the end, it looks like justice will be done, with officials predicting a lower-level disciplinary action against Emanuels (i.e., a verbal warning instead of a firing), and Mr. Emanuels promising to choose his words more carefully in the future.

FRIDAY, MAY 16

Nothing happened today (unless you count Hot Tipper Colin's sighting of the Human Scab--the perpetually bleeding-and-flaking man introduced in last week's column, spotted this afternoon in the U-District. Remarking upon the man's celebrated festering neck wound, Colin wrote, "It truly is massive! There were no paper towels stuck to it, and, as it was a beautiful day, the pus glistened in the sun." (Thank you, Colin).

SATURDAY, MAY 17

Today brings the thrilling conclusion to the saga of the missing Stranger delivery van, swiped two days ago while its driver made a delivery in downtown Seattle, recovered today in Tacoma. Among the items found in the jacked-and-deserted van were an assortment of objects hinting at the identity and proclivities of the van's thief, including his wallet (featuring a Washington State Department of Corrections library card and a phone number for a lady named Sunshyne), a used Ziploc bag containing crumbs from a cheese sandwich, and empty bottles of Hurricane Ice, Bud Ice, and strawberry Zinfandel. Last Days hopes the vanjacker had a delightful spree, and we'll be giving Sunshyne a call.

SUNDAY, MAY 18

The week ends with a fascinating report on the U.S. military's latest instrument of coercion against Saddam-loving Iraqis: annoying music. According to next week's Newsweek, U.S. military units have been breaking Saddam supporters with long sessions in which they're forced to listen to what some Iraqis would consider culturally offensive music--specifically, Metallica's "Enter Sand-man" and Barney's theme song. "Trust me," said one U.S. operative. "It works."

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