MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 This week of deadly hallucinations, ironic butt-dialing, and suicide by crocodile kicks off in Turkey, where a 26-year-old woman offered a bracing retort to Representative Todd Akin's claim that raped women rarely get pregnant because the raped female body "has a way of shutting that whole thing down." The setting of today's story: southwestern Turkey, where a pregnant rape victim has distinguished herself by fatally shooting and decapitating her attacker. "Women's groups in Turkey have praised the mum of two as a heroine after it emerged she was being blackmailed by her attacker," reports the Sun. "The rapist had taken nude photos of her and threatened to send them to her parents unless she continued sleeping with him." To end the drama, the woman shot the man in the chest and groin, and then decapitated him and tossed his head in the village square. "When police arrested her in the southwestern village of Yalvac, she told them: 'That is the head of one who toyed with my honour,'" reports the Sun. "During her testimony, she reportedly said, 'He kept saying that he would tell everyone about the rape. My daughter will start school this year. Everyone would have insulted my children... They will now call my children the kids of the woman who saved her honour."
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 The week continues in Tacoma, with a ridiculous saga that began this evening around 11:30 p.m. when a 911 dispatcher received a call, during which the dispatcher heard only a woman screaming in the background and a man telling her to stop. "According to Tacoma police, the call was traced to a street where officers saw a car run a red light," reports ABC News. "Police tried to pull the car over... the suspect eventually stopped the car and ran on foot. A police dog on the scene was unsuccessful in finding the man. The vehicle, registered in Vancouver, Washington, allegedly contained several shaved keys, which led police to believe it was stolen." Tomorrow morning, 911 dispatchers will receive another call from the same cell phone, which was soon traced by police. "When they arrived, they say they found an intoxicated couple sitting inside a different vehicle than the one that ran the red light the night before," reports ABC. "Police said the man did not realize that his phone had dialed 911 either time." The man was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence while earning a permanent place in the Butt-Dialing Hall of Fame.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 In much worse news, the week continues in Thailand, where a woman suffering from depression is believed to have fed herself to crocodiles. "The 36-year-old Thai woman told her husband that she was going to see a doctor and would then go to the popular Crocodile Farm in Samut Prakarn just outside Bangkok," reports the Daily Mail. "She never returned home, but she was caught on CCTV cameras entering the tourist attraction 20 miles south of the capital." Thickening the plot: conflicting reports coming out of the croc farm, with workers telling the missing woman's husband that a woman fitting his wife's description had "jumped intentionally" into the crocodile pit and been killed, while owners denied any such incident took place. Also, reports the Daily Mail: The woman's husband said he had been "contacted by a man who said he represented the farm and wished to make a settlement." Condolences to all (except the crocodiles, who were only doing what comes naturally and probably had a great time).
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 In even worse news (sorry—when it rains, it pours), the week continues in France, where today "authorities struggled to explain why no one found a 4-year-old girl for eight hours at a blood-strewn crime scene as she huddled in a car under the skirt of a corpse," the Associated Press reports. "The stunning discovery Thursday of the girl, apparently unharmed, heightened the drama around a mysterious shooting rampage in the French Alps that left four adults dead and a 7-year-old girl hospitalized." With the initial investigation tying the slain family to Britain, Iraq, and Sweden, authorities are "studying all possibilities, including a score-settling attack or simply that the family was 'in the wrong place at the wrong time,'" the AP reports.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 In lighter news, nothing happened today, and so we must continue in darkness with an ass-clenchingly awful story from Northern California, where a man has pleaded guilty to murder after ripping out his friend's heart and tongue during a hallucinogenic mushroom trip. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports that the horror unfolded back in March 2010, when police discovered Jarrod Wyatt—a 29-year-old mixed-martial artist—naked and covered in blood at a house in Requa. As Wyatt reportedly told police, he'd just killed his sparring partner—21-year-old Taylor Powell, whose body cops found on the couch. "His chest had been cut open, while his heart, tongue, and the skin of his face was removed," reports the AP. "Court documents say that Powell's heart and tongue had been removed while he was still alive." According to witnesses, Wyatt and Powell had ingested hallucinogenic mushrooms, commencing a trip in which the men reportedly believed they were locked in a battle between God and the devil. Which brings us to last night, when Wyatt accepted a plea deal that required him to plead guilty to murder involving mayhem in exchange for a prison term of 50 years to life. "We looked for an agreement that would at least give him the opportunity to be paroled someday," Wyatt's lawyer told the AP. "As bad as 50 years to life sounds, it's better than life without the possibility of parole." Bonus: The plea deal allows Wyatt to avoid recounting/reliving the attack during a trial, thus freeing him of the responsibility of describing how he dismantled a man in front of that man's already-suffering family. Condolences to all.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 In lesser killing news, the week continues in Los Angeles, where a homeless man has been sentenced to two months in jail for fatally choking a pelican. As the Daily News reports, "Sergio Alvarez, 30, caught the bird near the Malibu pier on August 22... Alvarez first said he found the bird dead, but later admitted that he caught it and killed it because he was hungry and hadn't caught any fish." Yesterday, Alvarez pleaded no contest to animal cruelty and was sentenced to the aforementioned two months in jail.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Nothing happened today, unless you count the glorious anti-rape-culture parade of SlutWalk Seattle.
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