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Last Days

The Week in Review

I LOOK DELICIOUS!

David Schmader is off this week.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 This week of bagel heads and moral abysses kicks off with a roadside sex party in Waukesha, Wisconsin. As the Smoking Gun reports, off-duty Waukesha police officer Ryan Edwards was enjoying a late-night jog through his residential neighborhood when he happened upon "a yellow couch on the side of the road that appeared to be abandoned." As he jogged closer, Officer Edwards noticed that the couch was occupied—according to the police report, he could see a "male's hips thrusting up and down." Acting on a hunch, Edwards yelled, "What are you doing?" causing the startled hip thruster to jump off the couch, briefly confront the off-duty officer with his on-duty erection, and then promptly take off running. "Edwards ran to the location of the couch and observed that there was nobody else on the couch," the report continues. This all but confirmed Edwards's suspicion that this wasn't your average drunken public sex romp, just a lonely man "trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions," as the report explains. Officer Edwards then chased the alleged couch humper to his apartment building, where the alleged humper locked him out. The next day, Edwards returned and once again confronted the man, but the 46-year-old suspect "stated both he and his wife went to bed at [10:30 p.m.] and never left the house," according to the police report. "The defendant adamantly denied ever leaving his apartment." Nevertheless, Gerard P. Streator was charged with lewd and lascivious couch-humping, a misdemeanor.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 The week continues with a freaky new trend that involves men with names like "Scorpion" having 400 cc bags of saline injected into their foreheads, for kicks. "As the saline is trapped in the forehead, it creates a small dam," causing the forehead to swell out like a dome, reports National Geographic Channel's Taboo. Then another man, also probably named Scorpion, presses down hard on the center of the swollen dome with one thumb, creating a desired "bagel head" effect. "Oh, sweet buttery bagels—I'm impressed!" exclaimed one newly minted bagel head, according to the Daily Mail. "I look delicious!" Although the trend hails from Japan, bagel heads have been widely praised by devout Jews and fetishists alike for their tasty breakfast/sex-club crossover appeal. Sixteen to 24 hours later, the saline is absorbed into the body and bagel heads return to their humdrum lives as pizza faces.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Today was a crummy day to be a billionaire's gay daughter, as evidenced by 33-year-old Gigi Chao, whose newly wedded life with her lesbian partner was interrupted by the news that her father, Hong Kong developer Cecil Chao, had publicly offered a $65 million bounty to any man who could trick his daughter into loving dong. "I don't mind whether he is rich or poor," the 76-year-old Cecil Chao was quoted as saying on the Raw Story. "The important thing is that he is generous and kindhearted." (And was born with a dong.) By Friday, both Chaos will have received thousands of offers from potential suitors, to the "surprise" of the elder Chao. Meanwhile, Gigi Chao will absorb her father's offensive challenge with the gracefulness we all reserve for family: "I'm actually on very, very loving terms with my father," she told the Associated Press. "We speak on a daily basis. He just has a very interesting way of expressing his fatherly love." Here's hoping his next expression involves a $65 million wedding gift—a diamond-studded tractor? Haiti?—for Gigi and her new wife.

•• Also today: Catholic bishop Thomas John Paprocki of Springfield, Illinois, warned his diocese in a video blog that voting to reelect President Barack Obama was kinda-sorta "intrinsically evil and gravely sinful" and would put the "eternal salvation of your own soul in serious jeopardy," according to the progressive blog Right Wing Watch. Paprocki added that he'd "read the Republican Party Platform," and because it only condemns gay marriage and women's access to health care, he found "nothing in it that supports or promotes an intrinsic evil or a serious sin."

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Our swan dive into the moral abyss takes a break in the shallow end of the pool today with the news that a "lost" Renoir painting discovered in "a $7 box of items that included a plastic cow and a Paul Bunyan doll" is probably actually a "stolen" Renoir missing from the Baltimore Museum of Art for the last 61 years, according to the Baltimore Sun. The piece is reportedly entitled Paysage Bords de Seine, and it's a picture of a river, kinda. It was purchased in a West Virginia flea market earlier this month and was expected to fetch upwards of $75,000 at a private auction this weekend; however, the auction has been canceled while the FBI investigates the new theft claims. "When I found out that the painting had been stolen from our museum, I took a very loud, gasplike breath," museum director Doreen Bolger told the Sun. That's probably nothing compared to the sounds coming out of the painting's flea-market buyer upon learning she'd lost out on $75,000.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Nothing much happened today.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 The week continues with a sad hot tip from Oregon: "My grandma's neighbor was eaten by hungry hogs this week," writes Hot Tipper Don. "Please tell people to be careful around hungry hogs. They aren't toys." Done! By Monday, news of the hog incident will have spread to the far corners of the internet, with KOMO News reporting that the victim, 69-year-old Terry Vance Garner, was last seen feeding his 700 pound hogs on Wednesday. "A family member found Garner's dentures and pieces of his body in the hog enclosure several hours later, but most of his remains had been consumed." Our condolences to the Garner family, who, amid their grief, must now decide what to do with the hungry hogs that devoured their loved one.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Nothing happened today, unless you count the season premiere of the ABC hit revenge drama, Revenge, which—aside from a brief cameo by (perplexingly friendless) boy billionaire Nolan Ross's abs—was a disappointment.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.

 

Comments (6) RSS

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1
David, please come back!
Posted by EdGrimley on October 3, 2012 at 4:02 PM · Report this
2
Gotta watch out for all those ding dong couch humpin' Catholic pigs who eat their own!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 3, 2012 at 4:09 PM · Report this
Godzilla1916 3
We in Coos County like our hogs, a lot!
Posted by Godzilla1916 on October 4, 2012 at 11:59 AM · Report this
4
@3: Do you eat them?
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 4, 2012 at 10:07 PM · Report this
5
David Schmader is off most weeks, isn't he? Not that I have any complaints about Cienna*, but honestly you guys should just say when she's off instead, it would save space.

*Particularly because she's not Ann fucking Romano!
Posted by notsosupermario on October 8, 2012 at 7:39 PM · Report this
6
David, next time you want to take a week off, could you please just write a column in advance, predicting what will happen next week?
Posted by jack chandelier on October 15, 2012 at 3:49 PM · Report this

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