MONDAY, OCTOBER 22 This week of human Muppets, impending hurricanes, and the would-be intersection of misogyny and cannibalism kicks off with an episodic flip-out for the ages. The setting: New Jersey, where last night, 29-year-old Jargget Washington commenced his news-making flip-out by allegedly stripping naked at a Jersey City intersection and attempting to pull a driver from behind the wheel of his car. Before long, the Jersey Journal reports, police arrived to haul the incoherently babbling Washington to the Jersey City Medical Center, where he was given medical and physical evaluations and deemed healthy enough to be handed back to police for processing. That's when Mr. Washington's flip-out kicked into high gear: While handcuffed in a holding cell, he "became belligerent and began to spit at officers and ate the medical bracelet issued by the JCMC," reports the Jersey Journal. "In an attempt to escape his handcuffs, Washington then began chewing on his own wrists." After being placed in a spit hood and leg irons, Washington was hauled back to the Jersey City Medical Center, where he was again evaluated and deemed okay enough to be processed by police. "It was on the way to the jail that Washington... defecated in the back of the police cruiser," reports the Journal. "While at the jail, Washington gnawed one of his fingers." Charged with carjacking, throwing bodily fluids at law enforcement officers, and being under the influence of a controlled dangerous substance (which is believed, according to the Journal, to be PCP), Washington is currently being treated and evaluated at the Jersey City Medical Center, which should certainly be trusted in such matters.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23 Speaking of lunatics flinging shit, the week continues with Richard Mourdock, the Republican Senate hopeful from Indiana, who tonight participated in a debate, during which he was asked if he believed abortion should be allowed in cases of rape or incest. "Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something God intended to happen," spake Mourdock. "That life is [a] gift from God." Coming two months after Republican Senate hopeful Todd Akin claimed women's bodies had ways of preventing pregnancy after rape, Mourdock's words caused a similar humongous hubbub, which Mourdock will be forced to address tomorrow. "If, because of the lack of clarity in my words, that they came away with an impression other than... life is precious and that I abhor violence and I'm confident that God abhors violence and rape... I truly regret it," Mourdock will tell reporters. But the ultimate summation of the GOP's Rape Blooper Fiesta of 2012 will fall to Tina Fey, who'll tell the audience at tomorrow night's Center for Reproductive Rights Inaugural Gala, "If I have to listen to one more gray-faced man with a two-dollar haircut explain to me what rape is, I'm gonna lose my mind."
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24 In better news, the week continues with a busted terrorist: Ahmed Ressam, the Algerian Al Qaeda member who was arrested in December 1999, after he drove off a ferry from Canada into Washington State with a car full of explosives and a plot to bomb Los Angeles International Airport, for which he was today sentenced to 37 years in prison. "The Justice Department had sought life in prison because of the mass murder he intended to inflict," reports the Associated Press. "At the sentence hearing, US District Judge John C. Coughenour acknowledged Ressam was 'highly culpable and took substantial steps to carry out a horrific crime,' but he added that a life sentence was 'too harsh' and it was unlikely Ressam would be involved in 'another violent conspiracy.'"
•• Speaking of which: Today a federal grand jury indicted 28-year-old Virginia man Floyd Lee Corkins on new terrorism charges for allegedly shooting a security guard at the Family Research Council in Washington, DC, this summer. Previously charged with possessing and transporting a firearm into DC for the purpose of committing a violent crime, Corkins was today charged with "committing an act of terrorism while armed, attempted murder while armed, aggravated assault while armed and second-degree burglary while armed," reports TheHill.com. "Corkins has pleaded not guilty to the three original charges levied by the DOJ. If he is found guilty of the terrorist charges, he could receive up to 30 years in prison."
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25 The week continues in New York, where today an NYPD officer was charged in "a bizarre plan to kidnap his girlfriend, and possibly up to 100 other women, and cook them," as WABC News reports. Prosecutors allege the 28-year-old Gilberto Valle illegally accessed a federal database to create profiles of 100 potential victims, whom he allegedly planned to abduct, torture, rape, cook, and eat. "One document found on his computer was titled 'Abducting and Cooking (Victim 1): A Blueprint,' according to the criminal complaint," reports the Associated Press. "The file also had the woman's birth date and other personal information and a list of 'materials needed'—a car, chloroform and rope. 'I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus... cook her over low heat, keep her alive as long as possible,' Valle allegedly wrote." Charged with conspiracy to abduct, torture, rape, cook, and eat women, Valle has been suspended from the NYPD without pay.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26 In less theoretical bad news, the week continues in Seattle's Belltown neighborhood, where early this morning a twentysomething man who was walking with his girlfriend got into an argument with some men outside Tia Lou nightclub and was fatally stabbed in the chest. "The four men believed responsible for the killing got into a gray truck [or] SUV and took off north on First Avenue," reports the Seattle Times. "Police looked for the men and the vehicle, but didn't find them."
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Saturday night closest to Halloween, featuring a lot of people running around town dressed hilariously. Among the highlights spied by Last Days: a male/female couple dressed as Janice and Animal from the Muppets (complete with humongous prosthetic heads), a cute young woman in an amazing homemade Marvin the Martian getup, and a guy with a giant wang walking around in nothing but boots and a chain mail loincloth.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28 The week ends with a day of fretting and preparations for Hurricane Sandy, which will be downgraded to a post-tropical superstorm before it clobbers the holy hell out of North America's East Coast, leaving the New York City subway system underwater, dragging the Jersey Shore's roller coaster into the ocean, and killing dozens of people.
More on Sandy next week. We're literally just figuring out how awful the destruction is as I write this. Send hot tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.