MONDAY, AUGUST 4

After five years of reporting entertaining tidbits from a seemingly endless parade of headline horrors, Last Days still dares to yearn for a week filled with nothing but good news. Unfortunately, this week is not that week--a fact made piercingly clear by today's Associated Press story of the father arrested in East Hartford, Connecticut, after allegedly forcing his eight-year-old son to drink vomit. In his victim's report, the unnamed eight-year-old told police how his father had spent several hours forcing him to do pushups, sit-ups, and squats. When the boy cried, the father put a sock in his mouth; when the sock made the boy vomit, the father made him drink it. The crap dad--30-year-old Chad McCalop--has been charged with third-degree assault and four counts of risking injury to a minor, while the unlucky son and his three siblings have been taken in by the state. TUESDAY, AUGUST 5

Continuing the creative child-abuse trend, today the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported on the father in Euless, Texas, under investigation for allegedly punishing his 11-year-old son--who'd reportedly been caught in a lie--by repeatedly slapping the boy's face, then burning the boy's mendacious tongue with a fireplace lighter. Detectives told the Star-Telegram that the burned boy's parents are separated, and that the father had the boy and his 13-year-old brother at his Bedford, Texas home when the alleged assault occurred. Charges against the father are pending; meanwhile, police await results of the victim's doctor's examination, while Child Protective Services prepares to videotape an interview with the victim, presumably when he can speak without agony.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6

Speaking of child abuse: Today the Catholic Church suffered yet another stunning blow, as CBS News reported the discovery of a confidential Vatican document, composed in Rome in 1962, and seemingly setting down in writing the Vatican's instructions for hushing up any and all charges against priests for sex abuse. Written in 1962 by Cardinal Alfredo Ottaviani, the document focuses on crimes initiated as part of the confessional relationship, particularly what it deems the "worst crime"--sexual acts performed by members of the priesthood "with youths of either sex or with brute animals." Worse, the document instructs bishops to pursue sex-abuse cases "in the most secretive way... restrained by a perpetual silence. Everyone is to observe the strictest secret, which is commonly regarded as a secret of the Holy Office... under the penalty of excommunication." News of the potentially damning document was loudly trumpeted by the Church's alleged victims and professed enemies. "It's a blueprint for deception... an instruction manual on how to protect pedophiles," said lawyer Larry Drivon, claiming the document proves what he's been alleging on behalf of victims in priest-abuse lawsuits: that the Catholic Church engaged in Mafia-style racketeering. Thus far the Church's only response has been an unimpressive warble from U.S. Conference of Bishops spokesperson Msgr. Francis Maniscalco, claiming the document is being taken "out of context." Stay tuned for more fascinating fallout from the closest thing we may ever get to a Catholic-sex-scandal smoking gun.

·· Speaking of sinning your way to God: Today professional God-lover Pat Robertson issued a press release announcing the dedication of his "talents, time and energies" to preserving the sanctity of marriage forever. "I believe that an amendment to the U.S. Constitution is the only way to eternally protect the sanctity of marriage from those who are attempting to modify marriage so that it also becomes a legal pact between same-sex couples. If we all take action, we can win this battle and permanently protect the marriage tradition for future generations. Please do your part to secure the future for our children and grandchildren." Last Days admires Mr. Robertson's courage in defending the sanctity of marriage, especially in an age when holy matrimony is the grand prize on at least half a dozen game shows. Still, may God strike Pat Robertson dead if he changes one word of the Constitution. Amen.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7

Speaking of dangerously deluded freaks: Today brought a controversial conclusion to the bizarre murder trial of Eric Rupp, the 26-year-old Everett man charged with beating his grandmother to death with a rock. From the start, Rupp's trial was the stuff of a Law & Order fan's wet dreams, with Eric Rupp openly confessing to killing his grandmother, Myrtle Rupp, with a volleyball-sized rock as the 81-year-old woman sat before her computer on February 6. Things got weirder as Rupp fired his court-appointed attorneys and took his defense into his own hands. The Seattle Times reports that during the four-day trial, Rupp told jurors how he was required to kill his grandmother because she was a CIA agent and a member of a cult run by Trinity Broadcasting; Rupp also described a conversation he had with his grandmother immediately prior to killing her, and informed jurors that he had no remorse over his actions. "My life had gotten to the point that no amount of money would keep me from killing one of my relatives," said Rupp during this morning's closing arguments. "A little vengeance for a mountain of sin is healthy for the soul." Unsurprisingly, Snohomish County jurors took less than an hour to convict Rupp of first-degree murder. Far more surprising is the fact that this obviously whacked-out man was deemed fit to stand trial at all. The Times reports that, prior to the trial, Snohomish County Superior Court Judge Ronald Castleberry ruled that Rupp met the legal standard of competence. A psychologist hired by the defense reached the opposite conclusion--a position supported by the public defender appointed to act as Rupp's stand-in lawyer, who argued that Rupp couldn't rationally act in his own defense. Judge Castleberry pointed out that the standard said nothing about a defendant's rationality, and the competent-but-irrational Rupp was tried, convicted, and given a jail term of 22 years to life.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8

Hot on the heels of Monday's fitness-freak father and Tuesday's flame-throwing father comes another tale of childrearing gone horribly awry. Today in Colorado Springs, a 30-year-old mother was sentenced to 64 years in prison for inflicting months of torture--including whipping, burning, full-body duct-taping, and starvation--on her six-year-old son.

·· Also today, Last Days discovered a fascinating New York Times story, published one week ago with the headline "Vatican Exhorts Legislators to Reject Same-Sex Unions." Among the delights: the Vatican's declaration that the adoption of children by same-sex couples "would actually mean doing violence to these children," placing them in unhealthy, deviant gay homes, where homosexuality is presented as a viable social model, instead of good, safe heterosexual homes, where children are punished with lighters, whips, vomit, and duct tape.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9

One of the perks of writing this column (besides the soul-coarsening effects of reporting endlessly bad news) is receiving the weird shit sent in by readers. From the priceless treasures bestowed by King Keith (who gave Last Days both the original shooting script of Showgirls and the so-libelous-it's-only-printed in-Peru book Michael Jackson Was My Lover) to the beautifully artistic death threats mailed by miffed fans of Tamara Paris, over the years we've received an array of wonderfully fucked-up items of intrigue. Today brought a worthy addition to Last Days' collection of freaky shit, from a guy named Todd, who sent in an envelope stuffed with mind-twistingly bizarre travel brochures from across the nation. (Best in show: Fort Myers, Florida's heartbreaking Seminole Gulf Railway Dinner Theater Train; and Monroe, Ohio's Traders World, "a ten-acre adventure in shopping!") Thank you, Todd.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10

Nothing happened today.

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