MONDAY, OCTOBER 13
The week begins with two tales of fucked-up animals in Germany. The first involves the vicious crow of Dortmund, wanted after attacking a pair of innocent strollers, apprehended after being fed cat food soaked in schnapps. German authorities jovially told Reuters that the "completely smashed" crow "slept off its hangover" at a local animal home. (Right; 50 bucks says Drinky Crow was sent straight to the showers.) Meanwhile in Berlin, a man was charged with violating Germany's anti-Nazi laws by teaching his dog to salute Hitler. Police began investigating dog owner Roland Thein after receiving numerous complaints about Thein's public performances with his dog--mini, interspecies Nazi rallies during which Thein commanded his dog Adolf to "give the salute!" after which Adolf dutifully raised his right paw. Reuters reports that Thein is facing additional charges for wearing a Hitler T-shirt and shouting, "Heil, Hitler!" at a Berlin city market. Traditionally at this point, Last Days would crack a joke about those Krazy Krauts "just following orders" or something. But mocking Germans for following and/or ignoring the psychotic leadership of an elected despot was a lot more fun before we were following and/or ignoring our own.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14
If you've walked around Seattle's Capitol Hill any time in the last 18 months, you've undoubtedly noticed that the south end of Broadway (between Denny and Pine) has become a junk pit, from the celebrated "open-air heroin market" stinking up the sidewalk by the post office to the unabashed junkies who routinely shoot up in SCCC's courtyard in broad daylight. (Last Days recently encountered one of these fearless fixers face to face; we gasped like a girl, he smiled as if he were auditioning for a Calvin Klein commercial.) So thank God that our city leaders are ready to clean up the junk--or at least drive it to another neighborhood. Unveiled today by the civic trinity of Greg Nickels, Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske, and Parks Superintendent Ken Bounds, the 17-step plan focuses on the junkie mecca of Cal Anderson Park (AKA "that park with the reservoir and hobos"), which will be subject to increased after-hour foot and bike patrols, aggressively enforced parking regulations, and redesigned lighting and shrubbery to discourage drug use and camping. Park-safety activist Brad Trenary told the Seattle Times that he appreciates the city's efforts, but mourns the plan's lack of treatment and support. "Where will these people go now?" Trenary asked the Times. "What neighborhood is going to have to go through the same process we've been going through all summer?" (Our guess: an even split between Pioneer Square and the U-District.) For more extensive coverage of the Cal Anderson Park cleanup, see Amy Jenniges' story on page 17.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15
Hot on the heels of last week's kiddies-at-Kill Bill fiasco comes another eyewitness account of atrocious parenting. Today's sighting comes from Hot Tipper Eric, who was driving to work in North Seattle when he saw a woman making her way across 90th Street with a double-wide stroller. "She hurriedly pushed the stroller across the street, not the crosswalk, with cars present," tattles eagle-eyed Eric. "She got the stroller up over the curb, but something must have caught on the front wheels, because the stroller fell forward and two kids went headfirst onto the concrete. Evidently both kids were too young to know how to hold their arms to break a fall. As I drove by, the woman was trying to comfort both kids. It was the most horrifying thing I saw all day."
-- Speaking of most horrifying things: Today the world learned--via blabby Vegas neurosurgeon Lonnie Hammargren--of tiger tamer Roy Horn's decompressive craniectomy, wherein part of the injured illusionist's skull was removed to relieve pressure on his brain, then tucked away in his abdomen for safekeeping. No word yet on when the skull nugget will return to Horn's head, which remains in critical but stable condition at Las Vegas' University Medical Center.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16
Speaking of praying for a satisfactory outcome: Today Last Days began doing just that after hearing of Yoko Ono's approval of a new stage musical to be built around the songs of John Lennon. According to today's Variety, the as-yet-untitled venture will draw on nearly 200 of Lennon's post-Beatle compositions, showcasing some 30 songs via 12 actors, who'll weave "a story of the '60s and '70s" by "portraying the multiple moods and personalities that made Lennon who he was." Even worse, the show will have a moral: "Over the past two decades, I have been experiencing the feedback from the world to John's life, statements and music," said Ono via press release. "What we present on stage should again give people insight, encouragement, inspiration and fun, so they can go on with their lives with some assurance and hope." Which all sounds fine, but to deny the Lennon Project's potential for sentimental concept-to-curtain suckiness is a fool's task. (Confidential to Yoko: Last Days can only imagine how galling it's been to see an acclaimed hit musical fashioned from the tunes of your husband's musical lesser Billy Joel, but remember: When people gush about "successful musicals made of T. S. Eliot!" they're talking about Cats.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17
Speaking of musicians who might be better off dead*: Today a variety of entertainment websites reported that Prince, the eccentric musical genius whose singular stature has been sullied in recent years by a slew of deeply stupid maneuvers, has taken his Jehovah's Witnessing to the streets, knocking on doors around his home state of Minnesota to spread the word of his newfound faith. (Insert joke about "Darling Nikki" masturbating with a copy of the Watchtower here.)
--Speaking of freaks for God: Today Last Days stumbled upon the right big stink stirred up this week by the Los Angeles Times and NBC over the wealth of "seemingly incendiary comments" made over the past two years by Lieutenant General William "Jerry" Boykin, the newly promoted deputy undersecretary of defense for intelligence. Among Boykin's greatest alleged hits: repeatedly telling Christian groups and prayer meetings that Islam is evil, repeatedly bragging that the Christian God could easily kick Allah's ass, and repeatedly ranting that President George W. Bush was chosen by God to lead the global fight against Satan. "Why is this man in the White House?" Boykin asked one Christian group. "The majority of Americans did not vote for him. He's in the White House because God put him there for a time such as this."
*Q: Do you mean John or Yoko? A: Yes.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18
Nothing happened today (unless you count the debut of a freakish new Jack in the Box commercial, in which that ball-headed Jack thing hosts a board meeting with a bunch of horny executives who giggle and leer over the erotic implications of the fast food chain's new, larger chicken breasts).
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19
Nothing happened today.
So, I need an intern. Ten hours a week for 10 weeks, unpaid, doing basic secretarial/research tasks. Students a plus, as your getting college credit takes the sting off my bossing you around for no money. Interested parties should e-mail names and contact info to firstname.lastname@example.org, along with a short paragraph (200 words max) explaining why you'd be good and stuff. Everybody else, send Hot Tips to lastdays@ thestranger.com.