MONDAY, MARCH 4 This week of effective fingers, severed legs, and hunters becoming the hunted kicks off in Oklahoma, where early this morning police noticed two women lounging in the fully reclined front seats of a Toyota Yaris, which was parked outside a closed restaurant. "Asked by a cop if the car contained weapons or drugs, [the woman behind the wheel] answered that 'she did not think there was anything,'" reports the Smoking Gun, quoting from the police report. "But when a drug dog alerted to both the driver and passenger sides of [the car], cops searched the vehicle and found meth, drug paraphernalia, a pistol, and a loaded magazine." But wait, there's more: Upon arriving at jail, the women were directed to change into inmate uniforms and given body checks. "When directed to lower her underwear so that a female cop could check for contraband, [the woman from the driver's seat] 'advised that she was on her period and did not want to,'" reports the Smoking Gun. Eventually, she complied, and Officer Kathy Unbewust "observed at that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area." Further investigation revealed it was a loaded .22 revolver, which soon led Officer Unbewust to the baggies full of meth allegedly lodged in the woman's butt crack. The woman has been arraigned on felony weapons and narcotics charges.
TUESDAY, MARCH 5 In better news, the week continues in the Pacific Northwest, where a woman in Lacey foiled a pair of alleged car thieves with just her brain and her finger. Details come from KIRO, which identifies our heroine as Beatriz Pardo, a 50-year-old nurse who was running errands last Thursday when she saw her recently stolen car in the parking lot of the Lacey Fred Meyer. Pardo immediately called 911, but before police could arrive, the alleged thieves started to leave, inspiring Pardo to confront them. "I went three times, 'Give me the keys to the car,'" Pardo told KIRO. When the two alleged thieves refused, Pardo got creative: "I put the finger over here," she told KIRO, demonstrating how she pointed her finger like a gun and jammed it into one of the alleged thieves' back. "I hold her and I told her, 'If you don't give me the keys to the car, I kill you. I'm going to shoot you.'" It worked, with the two suspects handing over her keys—which featured a photo of her son on the key chain—before fleeing on foot and being caught soon after by cops. As for the situational badassery of Beatriz Pardo: "I think her anger just got the better of her, and she wanted her car back," her husband, Calvin Dawson, told KIRO. "So, good work."
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6 In much worse news, the week continues in Fresno County, California, where today a volunteer intern at a private wild-animal sanctuary was fatally mauled by a lion. Details come from NBC, which identifies the setting as Project Survival's Cat Haven sanctuary in Dunlap, and the victim as 24-year-old Dianna Hanson, who'd started a six-month internship in January. "The Fresno County Sheriff's Department said deputies shot the lion to death after the attack," reports NBC. "Another spokesperson for the sanctuary said the animal that killed the intern was a male named Cous Cous." Condolences to all.
THURSDAY, MARCH 7 Meanwhile in North Korea, the insane powers that be announced the preemptive nuclear strike the country would soon be launching against "the strongholds of the aggressors," inspiring the UN Security Council to immediately and unanimously pass even stricter sanctions against the rogue regime. "Despite the strong language, analysts say North Korea is years away from having the technology necessary to mount a nuclear warhead on a missile and aim it accurately at a target," reports CNN. "And, analysts say, North Korea is unlikely to seek a direct military conflict with the United States, preferring instead to try to gain traction through threats and the buildup of its military deterrent." Stay tuned!
FRIDAY, MARCH 8 Nothing happened today, unless you count the suspension of a police officer in Highland, New York, who was assigned to serve as an armed guard at a Hudson Valley high school in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy until he "accidentally fired his pistol in the hallway while classes were in session," reports the Associated Press. "Nobody was hurt."
SATURDAY, MARCH 9 In much worse gun news, the week continues with the tragic story of Gregory Rodriguez, host of Sportsman Channel's hunting show A Rifleman's Journal, who traveled the world hunting big game until this week, when he was fatally shot by the apparently jealous husband of a lady he was visiting in Whitefish, Montana. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies Rodriguez's killer as Wayne Bengston. Police say Bengston fatally shot Rodriguez after finding the man with his wife, then beat his wife and fatally shot himself. Condolences to Bengston's widow, who must feel terrible.
SUNDAY, MARCH 10 The week ends in Los Angeles, where a fight at a strip club resulted in the amputation of three legs. Details come from the Los Angeles Times, which reports the fight broke out early this morning at the club Sam's Hofbrau, where 40-year-old Terrence Meeks got into a tussle with two Latino men. "The altercation, which apparently included racial slurs, escalated and then spilled outside," reports the Times. "Police say Meeks got behind the wheel of his white BMW and slammed into the two other men as they were standing in front of their Mini Cooper." Rushed to the hospital in critical but stable condition, the two victims—aged 24 and 57—would be given bad news. "Doctors said one man would have both legs amputated above the knee, and the other would have his right leg amputated above the knee," reports the Times. "Meeks [is] being held on $500,000 bail and faces charges of attempted manslaughter and DUI."