MONDAY, MAY 27 Hello! This week of things, things, and things kicks off with a thing in Aragon, Spain, where today a 70-year-old woman made a fatal bid for Mother of the Year by eating the drugs her adult sons were allegedly hiding from police and then dropping dead. Details come from Spain's the Local, which reports today's maternal drama went down during a traffic stop, when the mother attempted to shield her sons—age 37 and 43—from a drug-trafficking arrest by gobbling down their alleged stash. "The officers noticed the woman was 'slightly out of it' and escorted her to a medical centre in Teruel," reports the Local. "The woman was treated, and thanked the police officers and the doctor who treated her. However, she died of a heart attack shortly afterwards." Even sadder, the mother's sacrifice seems to have been in vain: "After the woman died, police determined that the son she was travelling [with] was a suspected drug trafficker, and that the drugs which had caused his mother's death may have been destined for sale," reports the Local. "Officers then returned to the homes of the two sons and found drugs there. The men were then detained in temporary custody for an alleged offence against public health."
TUESDAY, MAY 28 In lighter news, the week continues in New Mexico, where early this morning a 25-year-old man found himself in jail following an alleged law-flouting blowout for the ages. Details come from the Albuquerque Journal, which identifies today's subject as Luis Briones, an impressive multitasker who first caught the attention of bystanders by allegedly speeding down the street in a car in which he was having sexual intercourse with a woman. Soon after, Briones allegedly ran a red light and crashed into another vehicle. "Witnesses told police Briones was clearly drunk when he got out of his car, and officers found a partially full bottle of vodka in the vehicle," reports the Journal. "Briones's female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle... Briones was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out, hiding in a cactus." Booked into the Metropolitan Detention Center, Briones faces charges of aggravated DWI, reckless driving, and evading police.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 29 Speaking of people who are good at life, the week continues in Florida, where today a couple of old friends seeking to cross a few items off their "bucket list" wound up behind bars. Details come from a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun, in which investigators define a bucket list as "commonly a term used for a list of things to do before one dies," and identify today's protagonists as 38-year-old Jennifer Morrow and 36-year-old Andrea Mobley, who thought they'd celebrate their lifelong friendship by crossing a couple items off their list together. Top of the roster: stealing from a retail store, a goal which allegedly led the women to a Walmart in Ocala, where they were soon arrested for trying to steal bathing suits and beef jerky. "Cops say that Mobley stashed the bathing suits in her purse, while Morrow ate the beef jerky as she walked through the store," reports the Smoking Gun. "The items were valued at $73.78." After being booked on charges of misdemeanor theft, each woman was released on $250 bond.
THURSDAY, MAY 30 In better news, the week continues in Seattle, where today workers at dozens of fast-food restaurants carried out strike rallies to fight for better wages. "Beginning at 10:30 pm Pacific Time Wednesday, workers at dozens of Seattle fast food locations began striking, launching the nation's seventh work stoppage by fast food employees in eight weeks," reports the Nation. "Organizers expect workers from chains including McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, Arby's, Chipotle, Qdoba, and Jack in the Box to participate in the walkout, which will last roughly twenty-four hours... Like recent fast food strikers in New York, Chicago, Milwaukee, St. Louis and Detroit, the Seattle strikers are holding a one-day walkout to demand a raise to $15 per hour and the right to form a union without intimidation." In a heartening move, Mayor Mike McGinn released a statement in support of the strike: "Seattle believes in shared prosperity for all of our workers, including those in the fast food industry. Too many of them are being left behind even as Seattle's economy thrives. I support their organizing effort because our neighbors who work these jobs deserve to earn a living wage that can support their families and help them join a strong middle class." See page 9.
FRIDAY, MAY 31 In more bittersweet news, today brings an end to a beloved American life: Jean Stapleton, the character actress who'll be forever remembered as All in the Family's Edith Bunker, died today at age 90 in New York City. As the New York Times obituary put it, "[Stapleton's] portrayal of a slow-witted, big-hearted and submissive—up to a point—housewife on the groundbreaking series All in the Family made her, along with Mary Tyler Moore and Bea Arthur, not only one of the foremost women in television comedy in the 1970s but a symbol of emergent feminism in American popular culture." Even better, she was fucking brilliant, happily sublimating her natural grace, intelligence, and singing ability to bring the simple, shambling, squawking Edith to life. RIP, Jean Stapleton.
SATURDAY, JUNE 1 In worse news, the week continues in Oklahoma City, where residents and emergency officials spent the day recovering from and assessing the damage brought on by more deadly tornados that struck the region yesterday evening. "The National Weather Service reported 'several' tornadoes rolled in from the prairie, terrifying towns along their paths," reports the Associated Press. "The storm toppled cars and left commuters trapped on an interstate highway as it bore down during Friday's evening rush hour near Oklahoma City." It also killed nine people, including two children and three storm chasers, and wounded 75 others.
SUNDAY, JUNE 2 In lighter but still ridiculously awful news, the week ends in Florida, where early this morning a trio of bouncers working at the Ocala Entertainment Complex entertained themselves by razzing a fellow bouncer, 31-year-old Andrew Lobban. Driving the mockery: a videotape showing Lobban misfiring a gun at a shooting range, which Lobban's coworkers had seen and relentlessly teased him about—until this morning, when, just after midnight, Lobban stopped the teasing by shooting his coworkers dead. "Andrew Joseph Lobban, 31, was held without bond on three felony counts of first-degree murder after he admitted having shot the three men," reports NBC News. "According to an Ocala police statement, Lobban said he shot the men—identified as Benjamin Larz Howard, 23; Jerry Lamar Bynes Jr., 20; and Josue Santiago, 25—because they were laughing and teasing him over an embarrassing video."