MONDAY, JUNE 3 This week of wicked cheerleaders, lucky line-jumpers, and naked ladies in the wilderness kicks off with an absolutely terrible story out of Brooklyn. Our protagonists 46-year-old psychotherapist Lynne Rosen and her 48-year-old motivational- speaker husband John Littig spiced up their 20-year marriage by cohosting WBAI's The Pursuit of Happiness, a monthly radio show that "offered callers advice on how to live a happier life, sometimes tossing in inspirational quotes from Albert Einstein and Eleanor Roosevelt," the New York Post reports. Tragically, Rosen and Littig proved immune to their own medicine, as this morning's discovery of the couple's suicided corpses (complete with suffocation bags over their heads) in their Park Slope apartment made clear. "Neighbors living on the couple's quiet brownstone-lined street called news of the double suicide sad—and painfully ironic," according to the Post.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4 Speaking of terrible stories, the week continues in Minnesota, where a high-school cheerleader stands accused of pimping out a classmate. Details come from CBS affiliate WCCO, which identifies the alleged cheerleader pimp as Montia Parker, an 18-year-old senior at Hopkins High School, who allegedly responded to a developmentally delayed sophomore student's stated desire to "make some extra money" by arranging for her to turn tricks. "Parker got the sophomore's phone number and asked her if she would be willing to have sex for money," according to the criminal complaint filed in Hennepin County. "The victim said she would give oral sex in return for payment, at which point Parker asked for photos that were 'not too nasty but kinda cute'... Parker then posted the pictures on backpage.com, creating an advertisement for the victim." Soon after, Parker allegedly began driving the girl to sex dates and pocketing the proceeds. Everything was relatively low-key until the victim's mother found prostitution-related text messages from Parker on her daughter's phone, after which she called police. "Montia Marie Parker... was arrested on one count of second-degree felony sex trafficking, and one count of felony solicitation, inducement, and promotion of prostitution," reports WCCO.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5 In lighter news, the week continues in Seattle, where a local woman is making headlines with her quest to live exclusively on sunlight, water, and air. Details come from Q13, which identifies our intrepid "breatharian" as Navenna Shine, a 65-year-old woman who "plans to spend the next four to six months abstaining from food of any kind and living on only light, water, and tea... While difficult, Shine hopes the body can be trained to live through the hardships of surviving without food." Documenting the experience on her Facebook page, Shine named today as her 32nd day without food, during which time she's lost more than 20 pounds. "I have the feeling that my body has reached a point where it has used up all its stored fats and is now looking around for what next to consume," writes the world's laziest suicide. "I suspect this might be the point where it decides either to find and hook into the source where it is able to live on Light, or consume the body for sustenance... We shall see."

THURSDAY, JUNE 6 In actually spiritual news, the week continues in Florida, where a woman is making headlines with her Zenlike response to losing a $590.5 million Powerball jackpot to someone she allowed to cut in front of her in line. Details come from ABC News, which identifies our saintly star as 34-year-old Mindy Crandell of Zephyrhills, who on May 18 was in line to purchase lottery tickets at Publix when 84-year-old Gloria C. Mackenzie stepped in front of her. "The [clerk] at the counter stopped Mackenzie to allow Crandell to reclaim her spot in line," reports ABC. "Crandell declined the offer and told Mackenzie, 'Go ahead.'" Which brings us to today, when Mackenzie claimed her $590 million Powerball prize, and Crandell's 10-year-old daughter immediately recognized her as the lady from Publix. Twisting the knife: After claiming the prize, Mackenzie "released a statement revealing that another woman 'was kind enough' to allow her to cut in line when she purchased the winning ticket," reports ABC. "Crandell holds no ill-will toward Mackenzie and hopes the money 'truly blesses her family... It could have been us, but things happen.'"

FRIDAY, JUNE 7 Speaking of things happening, the week continues in Texas, where today Shannon Richardson, a 35-year-old actress whose credits include minor roles on the TV series The Walking Dead and The Vampire Diaries, was arrested and charged in connection with the ricin-tainted letters mailed last month to President Obama and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg. "Shannon Richardson... initially told the FBI that her husband, Nathaniel, sent the ricin-laced letters, but a polygraph exam found her to be 'deceptive' on the matter," reports CNN. "Investigators found that her computer storage devices contained the text of threatening letters sent to the president, but the couple's computer records show her husband couldn't have printed them out because he was at work at the time, an FBI arrest affidavit said." Accused of mailing a threatening communication to the president, Richardson faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted. (Also, Nathaniel Richardson has filed for divorce. Oh, and she's reportedly pregnant.)

SATURDAY, JUNE 8 Nothing happened today, unless you count the exploding NSA scandal/controversy, which Last Days will maybe attempt to sort out next week.

SUNDAY, JUNE 9 The week ends in Southwest Washington's Gifford Pinchot National Forest, where late this afternoon, a 19-year-old woman was seen leaving the Canyon Creek campground wearing only a fanny pack with a compass and a knife. According to the Associated Press, the fanny-packed nudist—reportedly naked for the sake of "a spiritual quest"—was supposed to return that night. When she failed to return by midnight, a friend reported her missing to Skamania County police. The search continues. recommended

If you see a nude hiker, call 911 (and keep her away from high-school cheerleaders). Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.