Dear readers: I first encountered this week's guest columnist when he auditioned for the 2001 Pizzazz! talent show, with a spoken-word parody of Suzanne Vega's child-abuse ditty "Luka." He didn't make it in the show, but over the next couple years, Craig Trolli proved to be a tenacious fixture of the alterna-arts scene, seemingly embarking on a new creative path--cartoonist, drag artiste, actor--every 17 minutes. Is Trolli a scrappy, postmodern polyartist, or just a shame-free nutcase who'll try anything twice? Most likely it's both, which is why he gets this week's column. Enjoy!

--David Schmader


MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Today was all about Janet Jackson's breast. Watching Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight was puntastic! "The fallout over what fell out!" and so on. ET even went so far as to call in an expert in the making of tear-away costumes. His expert opinion? That it, um, looked like it was made to tear away, definitely. Great, thanks! Meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne said she was bummed Janet didn't "own" the prank. Yeah, Janet, why didn't you "control" the situation instead of apologizing? Worst of all, all the hubbub ended up messing with MY show, with ER blurring a scene from its next episode, which, coincidentally, happened to show an elderly woman's breast. Now, if they really wanted to detract publicity, they would've just done it and not mentioned it, right? And what's wrong with a breast? When you can show people dying on the news, is this really so big that the Oscars now have to have a five-minute delay? And they show butts on NYPD Blue, so why can't ER have a breast?

--Also: The Seattle Times reported that, at about 1:50 a.m. this morning, a 22-year-old Tacoma mother killed her 3-year-old daughter. Apparently, the mom went at her daughter with a plastic bat, a belt, and finally her own hand. Her reasoning: The kid wet the bed. Enjoy that prison mattress, Mama Fuckface.

TUESDAY, FEB 3 Today brought news that I'd be guest writing this column! This is a total dream come true! I spent most of my time in high-school journalism class reading Savage Love. I couldn't wait to move to Seattle and be Dan Savage's apprentice/slave! That didn't happen, so I guess I'll have to be happy substituting for his low-rent subordinate. Speaking of which: If you go to geocities.com/emmagawd, you'll see examples of my comic strip, in which I parody everything from The Stranger to local musicians, in my ass-backwards way of trying to make friends with other creative people. This page is proof that if you want people to like you, make fun of them in print!

--Also today: I got to indulge my new habit: America's Next Top Model on UPN. This show has taught me to laugh at people crying. Have you seen some of these crybaby freaks? I also love the judges, who make the contestants weep by saying things like, "In this picture you look like a very beautiful man!" or, "You're too short to be a model!" How many times have I heard those two comments and yet didn't cry?

--And finally: New on DVD: Lost in Translation. Lost My Attention.

WEDNESDAY, FEB 4 Remember the German cannibal who videotaped himself eating a willing victim? Yeah, some guy paid the kooky Kraut to eat his knobby knackwurst and film it. Apparently, the cannibal had long dreamed of eating flesh as a way to fill a void--the same way I dreamed of acting on Seattle stages in plays. I got as far as being in a theater group; to learn about it, go to geocities.com/outcastproductions. Anyway, back to the cannibal: Rumor has it that Hugh Grant might play him in a movie. Now remember: Grant once made a movie called Nine Months, costarring Tom Arnold, the ex-Mr. Roseanne Barr. Is it wrong that the thought of a movie about pregnancy with Tom Arnold grosses me out more than the thought of cannibalism?

--Also today: There was some kind of ruling in Massachusetts about gay marriage. President Bush V.2 called it "deeply troubling." Frankly, who cares? I mean, shouldn't Bush be concerned with soldiers dying and Janet Jackson's breast and the fact that all gay people are really just cannibals?

--And finally: Today Access Hollywood spilled the beans on teen-poppers Nick and Aaron Carter's troubled mother, who reportedly clobbered her estranged husband's girlfriend by dragging the chick out of bed by the hair, then beating her with a plastic bat... no, wait, that was the mom from Monday; the inspired Mama Carter reportedly used a remote control.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Today the Associated Press tattled on the 7-year-old girl in Pittsburgh, suspended from school after telling a classmate he'd "go to Hell" for taking the Lord's name in vain. (The boy's exact blasphemy: "I swear to God!") The girl's parents were reportedly "flabbergasted" as to how their girl was treated like she'd brought a knife or plastic bat or remote control to school. But let's face it: Nothing's more annoying than a know-it-all Jesus freak.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6 Nothing involving remote controls happened today.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Nothing involving cannibalistic snuff films happened today.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Nothing involving me happened today. (But OutKast and Beyoncé won some Grammys.)

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