MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26 Over the years, this column has recorded the accidental deaths, premeditated murders, fatal broilings, and puke-bucket drownings of approximately 14 million babies. Last Days' dead-baby motif grew of its own accord: After eulogizing that first infant killed with a George Foreman grill, it seemed only just to eulogize the next one, too, and thanks to the near-constant barrage of people doing fucked-up shit to kids, this column quickly grew into America's preeminent record of infant-mortality-related black comedy—a distinction we'd feel iffier about if the human appetite for dead-baby tales didn't have such deep and poetic roots. "When we bury the old, we bury the known past," writes Thomas Lynch in The Undertaking. "Memory is the overwhelming theme, the eventual comfort. But burying infants, we bury the future. Dead babies do not give us memories. They give us dreams." In light of all this, Last Days is thrilled to kick off the week with the story of Woody Lander, the 2-week-old English baby rushed to Leeds General Infirmary after his parents noticed him looking ashen and feeling cold. At the hospital, Woody suffered a massive heart attack and stopped breathing; for the next 30 minutes, doctors did everything they could to bring the baby back to life, but eventually deemed it futile, removing a tube from the expired infant's mouth and handing him to his parents for a final goodbye kiss. "It was then that the miracle happened," reports London's Daily Mail. "The lifeless baby suddenly coughed and moved. Nurses immediately grabbed Woody back, reattached the tubes and lifesaving equipment, and he came back to life in front of his astonished parents." After getting over their shock at a half-hour-dead baby coming back to life, doctors rushed Woody into surgery, where they repaired the blocked aorta that had been restricting blood flow to his heart and, three weeks later, sent him home. Despite the extended lack of oxygen, Woody appears to have suffered no permanent brain damage, and is now a fully functional and most promising 1-year-old. Congratulations to the Landers on their son's miraculous recovery, and condolences to the parents of all children denied such miracles.

•• Speaking of miracle babies: Today brought the birthdays of Lucy Green, born at 4:11 p.m. to parents Amy and Rich in Seattle, and Last Days' father Walter Schmader, born 67 years ago to parents Alice and Walter in Lucinda, Pennsylvania. Happy birthday to both.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the suicide bomb that failed to kill or even wound Vice President Dick Cheney outside a military base in Afghanistan.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28 Speaking of criminal wankers: Today brings the five-star saga of John Acerra, the Pennsylvania middle-school principal who was not only arrested for possessing and selling methamphetamine, but was also allegedly found naked in his office watching gay pornography with a collection of sex toys nearby at the time of arrest. In addition to the naked educator and his porn, police reportedly found a glass drug pipe and $200 in marked money on the Nitschmann Middle School principal's desk. "This is all bizarre," said Superintendent Joseph A. Lewis to the Associated Press, which reports that the 50-year-old Acerra has been charged with possession with intent to deliver, manufacture, or create methamphetamine, delivery of a controlled or counterfeit substance, and possession of drug paraphernalia, for which he remains in Lehigh County Prison in lieu of $200,000 bail.

THURSDAY, MARCH 1 Nothing happened today, unless you count the figurative tornado of accusations, prevarications, and shame that battered Walter Reed Army Medical Center over the hospital's years of alleged "outpatient neglect," and the literal tornado of weather that battered Alabama, killing eight people at a high school and five people in mobile homes.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2 One of the less gratifying criminal trends of the past decade has been the rash of confused elderly drivers plowing through crowds, with virtually every month bringing another instance of some octogenarian motorist turning a farmers market into a triage center. Last Days takes no pride in our anti-old-driver bias; it just seems that carefully monitoring the driving skills of the elderly would be nothing but good for all involved. (You know what really puts a crimp in the comforts of old age? Accidentally committing manslaughter.) Today the dangerous-old-driver phenomenon was brought full circle, thanks to the Associated Press report on Therese Smith, the 80-year-old woman in Boca Raton, Florida, who was summoned last month to retake a road-safety examination at a Florida DMV office, where she accidentally plowed her 1990 Mercury Grand Marquis into the office's waiting room, injuring 11 people (none seriously, phew) and proving once and for all that old people should be chauffeured everywhere.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3 The week continues with a grisly discovery in Long Island, New York, where today a suitcase containing a headless torso washed ashore on a suburban beach. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the torso is that of a 35-to-50-year-old Hispanic or black woman weighing 180 to 200 pounds. So far, the police's best bet in identifying the victim comes from her tattoo—two tiny red cherries on a green stem placed above her right breast. "Detectives are acting on leads," said Lieutenant James Gaffney.

SUNDAY, MARCH 4 Speaking of mysteries, the week ends with a lurid one, courtesy of the Associated Press. The accused: 35-year-old Army Staff Sergeant Edmundo F. Estrada of Hampton, Virginia, whom officials began investigating after a soldier claimed Estrada sexually assaulted him. The accuser: the unnamed soldier who detailed Staff Sergeant Estrada's suggested techniques "to help soldiers with their self-confidence and alleviate depression," reportedly including the reenactment of scenes from porn films, the simulation of sexual torture, and the mandatory donning of a Superman costume. (According to court documents, the soldier said he was forced to "dress in a Superman or similar outfit" while Estrada performed sexual acts on him.) The clincher: The wealth of previous allegations against Staff Sergeant Estrada, including soldiers' claims of being forced to "dress up and pose in spandex and then told not to mention it to anyone." For his alleged misdeeds, Estrada faces charges of indecent assault, having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee, and cruelty and maltreatment of subordinates.

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