MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9
The week began gloriously with the breaking news of Tim Johnston, the miraculous 11-year-old boy who was blessed with the ability to hang a lot of teaspoons off his face. Today the fifth grader from Piedmont, CA, broke the Guinness record for face-spoons, hanging two more than the previous nine-spoon record. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Tim's mom, Barbee, is really, really into it--she keeps his spoons in a special drawer, and professes that he'll be able to "do twelve" soon.
-- Also today: The King County prosecutor's office released the 18 bazillion hours of recorded interviews with Gary Leon Ridgway, the Green River killer, on DVD. Conducted from June through December of last year, the interviews disclose Ridgway's confessions, wherein he stresses that he is a murderer but not a rapist. (Get it? Because they were already dead!) This and lots more mightily fucked-up shit is available in a pristine 109-DVD boxed set to anybody who wants one--a steal at $2,220 plus tax.
Stranger Personals
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Today, every news source on Earth exuberantly reported that Dr. Atkins was fat and had a long history of heart disease. Atkins, who invented the cholester-iffic all-meat-and-cheese diet enslaving the nation, weighed 258 pounds at the time of his death, although his widow insists that he gained weight during his icy-fall-induced coma and had been in tiptop shape until then. But come on, lady.
-- Also today: Hell froze over when aggressively hyperactive right-wing news anchor Bill O'Reilly admitted on Good Morning America that he's now skeptical about the Bush administration and rescinded his previous support for prewar claims that Iraq had WMDs. The historic apology included the words "I was wrong," and O'Reilly continued to say that all Americans should be concerned about the nation's intelligence. When reminded that he'd promised this apology if weapons were not found, O'Reilly recovered his trademark hostility and replied, "What do you want me to do--go over and kiss the camera?"
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Today brought the deliciously horrible story of Walt Disney World employee Javier Cruz, a grown man who was dressed as a cartoon character when he was crushed to death by a parade float near Splash Mountain. Cruz had worked for Disney for eight years, and was killed in a backstage area after finishing a parade. Guest Last Days implores the world to please try to remember that the death of a man is always tragic, even when he's in a Pluto costume.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Today KOIN 6 News in Portland continued the completely astonishing story of the Oregon mom who found two dirty syringes in a box of macaroni and cheese on Tuesday. "The syringes are capped still, but the needles are missing and the plungers have been broken off, but they are still used, you can see some residue inside the syringe," said a Stayton, OR, detective. Today, the syringes tested positive for amphetamines and god knows what else, and detectives are working with manufacturer Western Family to figure out what the holy fuck happened. The mother, while very upset, vows that she won't stop buying mac-and-cheese for her kids, but she'll be more careful next time she opens the box.
-- Tonight at Chop Suey also brought The Stranger's Pre-Valentine's Day Bash, where the lovelorn brought souvenirs from past liaisons for editor Dan Savage to destroy on stage, via blender, sledgehammer, paper shredder, and blowtorch. A list of the evening's highlights includes Savage rubbing ground beef in a vegetarian's face, assaulting a young man and stealing his shirt, feeding a clit ring to a rottweiler, and commissioning someone to douse the nearest Seattle Weekly dispenser with bottled elk scent.
-- Additionally, some retard nominated George W. Bush for a Nobel Peace Prize, causing the heads of millions of Americans to simultaneously cave in.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Today, the Drudge Report posted a denial from John Kerry, in reference to its previous report alleging that the Democratic presidential frontrunner had at least one extramarital affair. Kerry told Imus in the Morning, "There's nothing to report, nothing to talk about... no." Whether or not it's true, the affair was pleasant news for Dean fans like Guest Last Days, but also mostly terrifying news, seeing as Kerry's probably going to get the Democratic nomination anyway, so Bush's odds could increase manifold now. A humble request goes out to Kerry: Hi, next time you decide to run for president, please get rid of the girlfriend FIRST and make sure you BURY THE FUCKING STORY. Cheers.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Today was St. Valentine's Day, commemorating the Christian martyr killed on February 14, A.D. 312, who had absolutely nothing to do with love and candy and cheap teddy bears. The modern holiday's origin is really from the Medieval European belief that birds began to pair up halfway through the second month of the year. Accordingly, there was a mob scene at San Francisco's City Hall, as Mayor Gavin Newsom ordered the court clerk on Thursday to issue marriage certificates to gay couples, before a Superior Court judge hears a challenge against gay marriage on Tuesday the 17th. (This was very, very nice of Newsom, since the state of California still prohibits gay marriage.) As per Mayor Newsom's order, S.F. City Hall will be open from 10 am until 4 pm each day until the challenge hearing, to accommodate as many couples as possible--and hundreds turned up today. Particularly moving was the wedding photo on CNN.com of Phyllis Lyon, 80, and Del Martin, 83--lesbian partners of 51 years and the first couple to get hitched--which made pretty much everyone who saw it cry.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15
The week drew to a close with a very special event: a rare "Link" sighting. Also known as "Elf Boy" and "Peter Pan," Link is a heavyset young man who is often seen between Capitol Hill and lower Queen Anne, always wearing a dark green tunic, a brown WWF-sized leather belt, huge custom-made tan leather boots, and little green cap (like Link from the Legend of Zelda). Guest Last Days once had the honor of sharing the #7 Metro bus with Link and his older gentleman friend, who spent the entire ride ranting and raving about poor people needing to get jobs. As a finale, Link pulled from his backpack what appeared to be a firearm at first but was actually a collapsible metal shovel, unfolded it, and began to wave it around, scaring the living Christ out of fellow passengers. Despite occasional spookiness, Link is still regarded as a sign of good luck, like a rainbow or a UFO: We spied him waiting for a bus on Denny Way, and Hot Tippers report that he's frequently found at a local coffee shop, playing chess in full regalia. Keep your eyes peeled.
P.S. David Schmader's new solo show, Mansize, opens Thurs Feb 19 at On the Boards, where it runs through Feb 29. Call 217-9888 for tix and info. And send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
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